From: demeter@eskimo.com (Tony Anderson) Date: Mon, 8 Aug 1994 00:33:36 GMT The following is a script written as a parody of the TV series "The X-Files". It is called, "The X-Y-Z Files" and is about Agent Moldy and his partner Agent Sullied and their investigation of a UFO landing in a nearby park. Of course a slight miss-communication from Deep Throat sends the investigation off and running! The parody will be filmed (on Hi8 video) at the end of August 1994 and plans are to have it ready by October-November at the latest. Give it a read-through and let us know what you think; anything you think might make a good addittion, let us know, there's still time to work it in! ToNy (August 7, 1994) ****************************************************************************** X-Y-Z FILES by Tony Anderson & Lorren Bell X-Y-Z Files - July 19, 1994 - Draft 5 X-Y-Z-FILES Vers. 05 1 (Insert opening teaser scene) 2 CREDIT SEQUENCE 3 INT. - MOLDY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT FADE IN: We pan across an unkept apartment as we hear the film "Invasion of the Silicon Girls" (1978 Vers.) in the background. In particular, the scene where Veronica and Betty fight off the beach ball alien. (Or something similar). Moldy is seated in a chair in front of a television. He holds a remote control in his hand as he sleeps lightly. The PHONE RINGS; Moldy bolts awake and picks up the receiver next to the chair. MOLDY Moldy. DEEP THROAT Agent Moldy? MOLDY Deep Throat? What is it, where are you? DEEP THROAT Are you watching television right now? MOLDY Yes, why? DEEP THROAT Turn it to channel 6. Moldy points the remote at the television and stops on channel 5 instead of channel 6, as instructed. MOLDY Are you still there? (pause) Hello?... Hello? Moldy hangs the phone up realizing Deep Throat has hung up. He gets up out of the chair and moves closer to the television as he watches and listens to a video segment on a UFO crash in a park. MOLDY (to himself) This is incredible. I know where this park is. 4 INT. - SULLIED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Sullied is sleeping soundly when the phone on the bedside table rings loudly, waking her from a deep sleep. She picks up the receiver after two rings. SULLIED Hello. MOLDY Sullied, get over here quick. SULLIED Moldy, I hope this isn't another moon rock sample. MOLDY No, this is bigger. I can't talk over the phone. SULLIED What monuments on Mars? (hangs up) Sullied gets up and begins to dress quickly. 5 INT. - MOLDY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Sullied knocks on Moldy's door, half asleep. Moldy opens the door with enthusiasm enough to make anybody sick. MOLDY Sullied, get in here quick, somebody may have been following you. He motions her inside and closes the door. SULLIED Not likely Moldy, they're probably asleep at 3 a.m.. MOLDY I was watching television and the phone rang. We hear "Invasion of the Silicon Girls" has returned to the television. SULLIED I wonder what the odds of that happening are? You answered it? Wasn't it bugged Moldy? MOLDY I thought of that. Sullied rolls her eyes; obviously Moldy didn't get her point. He continues on... MOLDY I picked up the phone and Deep Throat spoke to me. There is a pause as Sullied contemplates. SULLIED Moldy why don't you find some companionship, like maybe a sheep! She starts to leave and he stops her. MOLDY No, no wait a minute, you don't understand. Deep Throat is an anonymous Government contact who has given us leads in the past. SULLIED You mean there's more like you in the Bureau? MOLDY You can't imagine how many people believe..... SULLIED So what did this Mr. Throat tell you. MOLDY It wasn't that he told me anything. It was what he showed me on television. Sullied looks over at the television and sees "Invasion". SULLIED He told you to watch this, how.....educational. MOLDY No, no. He told me to watch a specific channel that was featuring a news story on a nearby UFO crash site. SULLIED And? MOLDY And Sullied, I know where that site is. If I could find even a small fragment of evidence it could blow the lid off all of the cover-ups. 6 EXT. - PARK CRASH SITE - DAY Moldy and Sullied are walking across the grass in the park where the supposed crash site was. MOLDY (Looking at the grass) Look for the ship's landing imprints, Sullied. Feeling ridiculous and a bit embarrassed, Sullied looks at Moldy peering through the grass and decides to take action. She looks down at her foot and looks at the grass. She shrugs and stamps her foot down hard, pressing a small spot down. She walks a few inches away and calls out to Moldy. SULLIED Moldy, I think I found something. Moldy rushes over to her side. MOLDY What is it? She points to the mark she had just made in the grass. He bends down and examines it. SULLIED Is that what we're looking for? MOLDY This is incredible. This is the same configuration of other craft landing gear. Look at the shape of the imprint. As he's looking Sullied smiles to herself. MOLDY Wait. He spots a piece of tin-foil and picks it up. SULLIED What did you find? He stands, holding up the foil. MOLDY I'm not positive, but I think this is a piece of the ship's protective shields. The heat on impact must have been vast, look how this metal bends now. She takes the piece from him and looks at it. SULLIED Moldy, this is tin-foil. MOLDY How can you say that? SULLIED Well as I exhale, my tongue and palate form sounds, these sounds form words, these words form sentences. That Moldy is how I can say that. He takes the piece back. MOLDY I have to get it analyzed back at the lab. SULLIED Moldy, it's foil. You are having a trained technician take his time away from billion-dollar projects to examine a piece of tin-foil? MOLDY We've got to be sure. He turns and continues looking around. SULLIED Oh, Moldy? MOLDY Yes? He turns and sees her lift her right hand, point at him, and make a sound from her throat as her eyes get wide with shock (the warning call in "Invasion") We see the fear in Moldy. She stops and begins to laugh. MOLDY That is not funny. SULLIED Yes it is. MOLDY Come on, maybe we can find some eye witnesses. 7 EXT. - PARK - DAY They walk through the park and see a park bench with a homeless man sleeping. They approach him. SULLIED Moldy, be careful. MOLDY I will. Sullied walks out of camera range while looking for evidence. He starts to lift a newspaper that is covering the homeless man. HOMELESS MAN What? Who is it? MOLDY It's just me sir. Mind if I ask you a few questions? HOMELESS MAN Who are you? MOLDY Agent Moldy FBI. HOMELESS MAN Let me see some ID. Moldy hands the homeless man his wallet. HOMELESS MAN Who's she? MOLDY Agent Sullied FBI. While agent Moldy looks away (at agent Sullied) the homeless man cleans his wallet out. HOMELESS MAN So what do you want agent Mowgli, you looking for that big blue bear? MOLDY Why have you seen one? The homeless man look puzzled at Moldy. Sullied returns, looking mad about wasting her time. MOLDY Have you seen any strange lights in the night sky? HOMELESS MAN That depends on how much I've drank. MOLDY Have you ever seen a UFO? HOMELESS MAN Is there money in seeing that stuff? MOLDY Possibly. Moldy takes out his wallet and finds out he has no money. MOLDY Sullied pay the man $20.00. Sullied looks shocked, but pays homeless man. HOMELESS MAN Oh sure. They come down here in the park all the time. MOLDY When was the last time you saw one land? SULLIED Moldy, come on. He didn't see anything. MOLDY Give him a minute Sullied. When was the last time? HOMELESS MAN Time? Uh..couple nights ago. Damn place looked like it was going to be overrun by those runty little foreigners with big eyes. Moldy considers, then stands up. SULLIED A fool and his money are soon parted. MOLDY Yea I know, the Bureau doesn't reimburse bribes, and you were the one who gave him the money. I have a person who will identify this sample for us. SULLIED Who? MOLDY She's an expert in the field of UFO's, parapsychology, and utilizing Spam for self defense. Her name is Dr. Schnozzendripper. SULLIED Schnozzendripper? MOLDY Look, you head back to the car first. That way we'll spot anybody who might be following us. Sullied shoots him a "you've got to be kidding" look. She realizes he is serious and starts to head back. We see her turn around and stop. She looks across the street from the park and it occurs to her just how small the park really is. SULLIED (to herself) You couldn't land a Buick in this park. She continues on as Moldy starts behind her many yards away. 8 INT. - CAR - DAY Sullied is inside the car as Moldy gets in the drivers side. MOLDY I think we should ask around the local neighborhood to see if anyone's seen or heard anything. SULLIED At least it won't cost me. She shoots Moldy an irritated look. 9 EXT. - HOUSE - DAY Moldy pulls up to a house in a neighborhood community and the two get out and head up to the front door. Moldy rings the bell and they wait. A few moments later the door opens and a man pops his head out. OUTRAGED MAN Not you Jehovah's again, don't you people ever give up? The man slams the door in their faces even before they have a chance to reply. Moldy rings the bell again as they hold up their FBI badges. The door swings open again and the man is now clearly upset. OUTRAGED MAN You don't get it do you? MOLDY We're FBI, this is Agent Sullied and I'm Agent Moldy. OUTRAGED MAN You guys have the answer for everything, even the end of the world! Get lost and take you're fake ID with you! He slams the door again. SULLIED He was far more helpful than the last house. MOLDY Yes, and a cheery disposition too. They turn and head back to the car. 10 EXT. - ADVANCED INSTITUTE OF PARANORMAL/ABNORMAL BEHAVIORAL STUDIES AND CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY (Mon. Wed. Fri) - DAY Moldy and Sullied arrive in the driveway of the country-home-like estate. They pull the car forward and park it next to the building. They both get out and head towards the front door; there a woman in a white lab coat. They approach her. Patient's can be seen doing odd things in the background. They approach her. DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER Hello. MOLDY Hello, Dr. Scnozzendripper? She sniffles, wipes her nose with her hand and extends it for a handshake. Moldy pauses, but shakes it anyway, as does Sullied. They both simultaneously wipe their hand on the sides of their clothes. DR. SCNOZZENDRIPPER I was told you were coming by. Let's sit down in the yard, shall we? SULLIED Of course. They follow her down the small path in front of the building and out onto the grass, where a bench is placed. They all sit. MOLDY Doctor, here is the sample of heat- shielding from the Extra-Terrestrial craft. She takes the sample and examines it intensely, she sniffs it and hands it back. DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER It's aluminum-based foil, with a slight film coating of crushed peanuts and jellied fruit possibly grape. Also traces of whole wheat product. There is a slight pause. SULLIED You mean it was shielding a peanut- butter and jelly alien? The Doctor and Moldy look at one another, contemplating peanut-butter and jelly based life. The Doctor bites her bottom lip. SULLIED It's a sandwich, wrapped in tin foil. DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER That explains the whole wheat. MOLDY I have 20 X-Y-Z files on individuals who have claimed to have been abducted by hovering baked goods in the night sky. DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER (Getting excited by the discussion) Eclairs, Bear Claws, Fritters... The doctor starts to fan herself with her labcoat, looking visibly aroused. Moldy shakes his head in agreement. DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER The Fritters are the worst, they spray the abducted with a sugar-glaze coating causing instant paralysis. The Doctors hand slips inside her lab coat as she slowly fondles her breasts. SULLIED I can't believe we are discussing diabolical day-old donuts. DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER You shouldn't dismiss any possibilities. Have you questioned the surrounding residents of the park? The Doctor now looks suddenly relaxed. MOLDY A few. SULLIED No leads or reliable eye-witnesses. MOLDY We were hoping you might have some valuable information that could help us. SULLIED Here's a stab Moldy, why don't we interview more potential witnesses. A hospital orderly arrives with a message. ORDERLY Dr. Schnozzendripper? Mr. Shatner is here for his 4 o'clock appointment. He says he has an idea for a new Drek War novel. DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER Marvelous, I hope it's nothing like the "memoirs" novel. Get me some doughnuts and a stiff drink! EXT - OVERLOOKING MACARTHUR PARK: NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Moldy and Sullied are once again going door to door looking for possible witnesses. They approach one house and knock. The door yanks open and a head pops out. OWNER Yah, whadda you want? Moldy begins to reach into his briefcase... OWNER Oh no you don't! Don't even bother, you people were here yesterday with those WATCHTOWER magazines! I've had it! He slams the door. SULLIED Weeeeelllll, that was productive, wasn't it? MOLDY Let's try the neighbors. They approach the next house and Sullied knocks. The door opens and another individual is seen. OWNER Yes? Moldy goes for his briefcase but Sullied intercepts him and shows her badge. SULLIED I'm Agent Sullied, this is Moldy. The Owner pulls away from the badge after she says it's "Moldy". OWNER That was pretty fast for a Government Agency. How did you know about her? Moldy looks at Sullied like this will break the case open. OWNER Quickly, come in before you she gets up from her nap. They enter and follow him into the kitchen. They sit. OWNER My wife has been acting strange lately. MOLDY How so? OWNER It occurs almost every month, around the same time. MOLDY What characteristics has she shown? OWNER Irritability, cramping, puffiness, water weight-gain... Sullied now features a look of complete shock over the stupidity of these guys. MOLDY I must have 100 X-Y-Z files based on those exact symptoms. Sullied is now angry. SULLIED Make that 101! The man's wife had now entered the room, looking like hell. WIFE I thought you were supposed to be out mowing the lawn? OWNER Yes, dear. I'm sorry, I have to go now. As they get up to leave Sullied moves closer to wife. SULLIED I can't figure out what's worse. PMS or men? WIFE Men. PMS only comes once a month. EXT. - PARK - DAY As Moldy and Sullied enter the park again they see a man gardening as he talks quietly to himself. MOLDY Sullied, look. He points to the gardener. They head towards him. SULLIED Good afternoon sir. GARDENER Good? MOLDY We need to ask you a few questions about some discoloration in the grass. GARDENER Where abouts? They walk over and look at the grass. MOLDY Over here. GARDENER Well? MOLDY What do you make of these? Moldy points to yellow patches while smirking at Sullied as though he had found the key piece of evidence. GARDENER (Kneeling looking closely at grass) Dog pee pee. Everybody brings their dogs to the park and what do they do? They PEE PEE! A little here, a little there. Killing off my precious grass I raised from seeds. Tending, watering, cutting, trimming, fertilizing, stroking! And all to be used as a huge diaper for doggies! As the gardner is getting more and more ecstatic in his speech, Moldy and Sullied slowly back away... SULLIED Well, that about closes this X-Y-Z file. MOLDY (Depressed) For once you were right. SULLIED Let's put this case to bed. In background Gardener is putting the grass to bed. GARDENER You don't know the pleasure Kentucky Blue Grass can bring a man! EXT. - FBI BUILDING - DAY In office, Moldy is depressed as he's closing file folder, hands it to Sullied who files it. MOLDY This is the worst case I've ever had. Special Asian Cooper enters office and approaches Moldy. COOPER Agent Moldy. MOLDY Yes? COOPER Weren't you supposed to surrender all articles ascertaining to your previous case, Agent Denise. Sullied looks confused. Moldy pulls open desk drawer, hands out dress and red pumps. Cooper, takes them and leaves. SULLIED Who was that? MOLDY Special Asian Cooper, Blue Rose case. SULLIED Agent Denise? MOLDY Well, it was a complex, undercover, uh...blue rose... top secret. Phone rings. Moldy answers it. MOLDY Agent Moldy here. DEEP THROAT You know who this is? MOLDY Mom? DEEP THROAT NO, Deep Throat you idiot. MOLDY I couldn't find any evidence of a UFO. DEEP THROAT What UFO? MOLDY The crash, the one on T.V. that you told me to watch. DEEP THROAT I told you to turn to Channel 5 so you could catch me and my granddaughter riding in the parade. Moldy hangs up. SULLIED Who was it? MOLDY Deep Throat. SULLIED What did the porno sage have to drop on us this time? MOLDY This entire X-Y-Z file has been a complete waste of time. SULLIED Now, there's a news flash. Moldy puts head down. SULLIED How about I take you out for a drink Moldy? MOLDY Okay, but sometimes I act a little weird when I drink. SULLIED This should be different. MOLDY Just as long as we don't get carried away. SULLIED Right, we can't trust anyone, even ourselves. MOLDY The truth is out there! (Panning out) Sullied and Moldy asleep on bed. We see the back of Sullied. She gets up and goes to bathroom. We see her in silhouette only. POV Sullied's head looks down at her 9-month pregnant tummy. SULLIED Oh my God! Green hands on stomach. Sullied snaps her head up and looks in mirror, seeing her green face. Make up FX. Screams. SULLIED Moldy!!!!!!!!! Fade to black. END INVASION OF THE SILICON GIRLS: FILM PLAYING AT MOLDY'S EXT. - BEACH - DAY Two well proportioned young ladies are seen on the beach wearing bikinis, they bat an alien beach ball back and forth. BETTY Eeek! Don't let the hideous limbless alien get us! VERONICA Okay Betty. The girls giggle as they bat the ball back and forth. (Audio only): VERONICA They're using their evil sunburn ray guns on us. BETTY Quick put on the Ultra SP15 hyper sun block. VERONICA I hope my hair holds out. The girls can be seen stroking their bodies with sun tan lotion. ****************************************************************************** Tony Anderson (demeter@eskimo.com) -- Tony Anderson is......... demeter@eskimo.com "Through the darkness of future past, the mysterious one longs to see, One bonus round, between two players, Fire, don't play with me." ...TWIN PEEKS the parody 1992