// WWN.2 --0-- ::WEAKLY WIERD NEWS:: ::Issue 2:: Dedicated to bringing supermarket quality info to the Internet. --0.1-- ::COPYRIGHT INFO:: The following material may be freely transmitted, stored, printed, broken into pieces, mixed with other pieces, used for commercial purposes, plagarized and improved. --0.2-- ::CONTACT INFO:: Send articles and positive comments to dbennett@crl.com (Internet). Keep negative comments to yourself. --1-- ::CIVILIZATION STARTED BY HAWKS:: New research by the world's greatest anthropologists and psychics has arrived at a startling conclusion. The finest of what we call "culture" was inspired by birds of prey. Many millenium ago when humans started to practice the art of falconry, they had the chance to observe and learn from a variety of noble species. Horus the falcon God was the earlist known religious force in agent Egypt. In the middle ages, the rank of an individual was marked by the kind of bird they were allowed to fly. American Indians regarded hawks, falcons and eagles as mediators with the spirit. They would pray to the birds believing that when the bird reached the highest point in its flight it would cast that prayer to the heavens. "Basically these birds exhibited the kinds of behaviors that humans learned to aspire to," said an undisputed world authority. "It is a sign of our decadence and the collapse of culture that we no longer live among them. The average American does not even know the difference between a buzzard and a vulture." --2-- ::LUSH LIMPBOWEL SAYS:: Here I am folks, the Internet's favorite commentator. Notice they have moved me from the back of this tabloid to almost at the front. That's how popular I am. Let's hear it for me. (Big applause). And remember to write your local bulletin board and have them put me on (bigger applause). Before I get started on whatever I am going to say, I want to read some letters that I got from good decent law abiding people like yourself. These are on America's most popular issue. That's right, folks: the Bobbitts (big applause). Before I read these letters, I just want to say something about the femi-fascists and the way they want to screw up the American mind. They keep talking about "temporary insanity". Well I just want to tell you that when (sung to the tune of Lizzie Borden) Lorena Bobbitt took a knife And gave "Iron John" a change of life <<*>> And when the job was nicely done She drove around and had some fun THE LADY WAS NOT TEMPORARILY INSANE. She was insane when she married the guy. And it was not temporary. It went on for years. This just shows you how those liberals twist up reality. (big applause) Anyway, let me read the letters. DEAR LUSH: I am tired and offended of all the jokes about this Bobbitt thing. It is not funny. It is a sympton of what is wrong in this nation. No wonder we have the crime rate we do when cops are crawling around a parking lot looking for some cock. These people should not be in the military and they should not be on our police forces. signed: LAW AND ORDER IN COLORADO DEAR MR LIMPBOWEL: You are the wisest man in America and I think that you are a gift from God to save our nation. I feel that this Bobbitt affair shows how far we have strayed from our traditional family values. Mrs. Bobbitt was a loving, doting wife. Her husband used to sit around and say how famous he would be and how all the women would be jealous of her cause she got to clean his dirty underwear. Well she made him famous and boy did she clean his stinking jock strap ! She also let him live up to his family name. It was "bob it" and she did. But the lousy ingrate never even thanked her. It's cads like him who make all the trouble and cause our high divorce rate. signed: AN OLD FASHIONED HOUSEWIFE. DEAR LUSH:: What that lady did was immoral and irresponsible. She should never have thrown that thing into a parking lot. She should have microwaved it along with the testicles. Because of what she and the second surgeon in the case did, that man may someday succeed in making somebody pregnant. And boy that kid is going to cost the government plenty ! signed: DISGRUNTLED TAXPAYER Now folks, I just want to say something (big applause). A lot of people criticize our western system of justice. But this system gave her a chance. An Islamic or Confucian court would not have done this. So it's time we talked about responsibility. Imagine a different situation. A wife, a husband and a strap on. The husband is upset because of his sagging, bleeding anus and bites off his wife's clitoris. We would not let him get away with it ! The man would be impeached and sent to prison. (real big applause) To me, equal opportunity means equal responsibility. We live in a country where most of our men (especially the so called elites) sit around and say "I learned it this way in college" or "Nobody told me." or "Thats just the way it is done." Then they want a raise ! The opportunity is out there. Anybody with gumption, integrity and brains is needed. And if that person is a woman then to me she is "real man". But to get there she has to start doing what supposedly real men are not doing. She has to take responsibility. So lighten up women ! Its time to stop bitching and complaining and take over the system. Boy does it need it ! (HUGE APPLAUSE) ::*:: Editors Note: Some jump ropers sing the second line as "And made Iron John into a wife." --3-- ::BILL GATES PROVEN TO BE A UFO:: An top secret informer so secret that we don't even know if she/he/it exists has presented this magazine with some top secret information. America's richest computer maggot is actually from outer space. His mission is to retard the development of earthling technology so that we do not threaten his alien species. According to our expert, any dumb cluck could figure this out. His race is very long lived and does not even pass puberty until they reach fifty earth years. "If you look closely at the guy, you will realize that he is not from the same planet as the rest of us." According to our possibly nonexistent source, it has long been known that Mr. Gates has worked long and hard to sabatoge the development of the personal computer. However this was usually attributed to his relationship with IBM. "People thought he was doing it so that the new machines would not threaten the mainframe business. However after a while, even IBM could not put up with his incredibly bad software. This is why they parted company." In fact Bill Gates was trying to destroy the PC movement even before he met up with Big Blue. "In the seventies, there were two choices of 'computer language'. One was the TRAC (text reckoning and connecting) language which was easy enough for a secretary to use. It automatically supported the structures necessary for such things as multidimensional spreadsheets, which could deal with names and text as well as 'cells' and numbers. It was the inspiration of the term 'hypertext'. "The other possible language was BASIC a 'Fortran derivative' which was of interest only to those who wanted to use the computer to do pseduo algebra, the kind of stuff that boring junior high school teachers get off on. "Bill Gates convinced the early PC builders (who were ignorant of software) that Basic was a 'real computer language' because it resembled stuff developed in the fifties rather than the sixties and because it was impossible for intelligent people to use. In fact researchers have discovered that, like television, prolonged exposure to this 'language' causes the neurons in the brain to cease functioning. Bill Gates has continued this process of dumbing down America ever since. "The result has been hundreds of billions perhaps trillions in unneccesary expenses, absolutely no growth in American white collar productivity and a personal computer which in many ways is more limited and more difficult to use than machines built nearly thirty years ago. "It's a little technical, but if Bill Gates had not acted, then ordinary writers would be doing 'artificial intelligence' and 'multidimensional links' with a set of extended punctuation not much more difficult to understand than ordinary punctuation. Professional programmers would be less necessary. We would be less dependent on 'gooeys' (graphical user interfaces) to help people do things that were needlessly made complicated. "Of course Bill Gates had co-conspirators in this. A lot of people hypothesize that they had alien brain controllers stuffed up their noses. The result was computer development very similar to that which drives the stock market and which made the Savings And Loans bankrupt." Our top secret government source went on to say. "If I was a taxpayer, I would write the president and tell him to put Gates and all his buddies into prison and take every penny they made and use it to try and rectify the mistakes and catch up with where we should have been ten years ago. These people are traitors, make no mistake about it." --4-- ::PAID ADVERTISEMENTS:: --4.1-- ::I WILL THROW THE TARO FOR YOU !:: By reading the splatters of this magical island food, I can determine what you will have for lunch a year for now, what your first grade teacher really thought of you and whether you actually exist. Past, future, present, alternative universes .. NOTHING IS BEYOND MY IMAGINATION. For a limited time: Special good luck spell for dialing this number. Guaranteed to win the lottery or second good luck spell cast for free. 1-900-BE-A-DOLT --4.2-- ::LEARN NUCLEAR PHYSICS AT HOME:: Tired of pumping gas ? Why bother to go to a boring class when you can study at home while watching TV and drinking beer. In just a few months, you can design the Star Wars project or make big bucks working in Iraq. We send you all the equipment you need including rubber bands and atomic waste. Be the envy of your friends and neighbors. Lighten up every party by glowing in the dark. Give your enemies cancer. Or give it to yourself and live comfortably on government disability payments. Try some of our other easy courses! NOBEL PRIZE WINNING ECONOMIST VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES CEO OF IBM UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR CAPTAIN OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE RODENT IN A MEDICAL EXPERIMENT Just check the courses you want to take and we will help you apply for a government loan. --4.3-- ::YOUR NAME HERE:: Yes, we are now accepting advertising from NOBODIES LIKE YOU. Just email us your credit card number and we will give you world wide coverage. Rates are extremely reasonable (they never exceed your credit limit). Remember this fantastic opportunity is available for only a limited period (the Internet cops could show up any day now). --5-- ::BARNEY UNCOVERED AS DANGEROUS SUBVERSIVE:: A recent report by the UnAmerican committee has discovered that Barney the dinosaur is a dastardly plot by the socialists in Public Television to destroy the minds of American Youth and foment nervous breakdowns among responsible citizens. "It all started in the sixties" said the ghost of Jedgar Hoover (speaking through our special psychic hotline). "Back then the kids of America discovered that they could drive their parents crazy by playing rock and roll. But it took its toll on the minds of youth as well. Most of these 'sixties people' were closed minded and senile by the time they got to their thirties. "Basically the brain damage was so bad that we were able to make their children totally sterile comformists at a much younger age than was possible for their parents." According to this indisputable authority, the movement continued with punk rock, rap and numerous other fiendish variations. But now the overall strategy of this evil, godless conspiracy has changed. "It used to be sort of top down. The older kids would play the junk and the younger crowd would take it up. But now the preschool crowd is starting revolution on their own. Its been proven that 15 minutes of this Barney stuff can turn a middle aged 'dult' into a dribbling idiot who will give into any and every demand that the kid makes. Now the preteens are taking it up and there are rumors of sexually mature people forming Barney cults. This is only the beginning. If we don't do something those Abbie Hoffman <<*>> prophecies that the '90s are the '60s turned upside down may come true. The establishment may not be able to coopt this movement." Our source went on to say that any peanut brain can immediately see the danger. "Barney does not sing the RIGHT WORDS. He and his friends invent them. This is like back in the bad old days when American musicians sang what they wanted. Do you know there are hundreds of known stanzas to 'Yankee Doodle' and hundreds more that nobody ever bothered to write down? This was a revolutionary song. We have worked long and hard to stamp this kind of thing out. Every song should have the 'right words' and these words should be copyrighted. Middle aged parents know this. But their kids are too young to understand." Barney also has a very bad attitude. "Look at this 'I love you, you love me'. If this kind of thing spread people might be out playing with each other instead of watching television behind locked doors and burglar alarms. This could destroy the economy and our American way of life. Something has to be done or next thing you know, second graders will be running away from home and joining hippie communes." Fortunatly there are patriots. "The Internet has a group 'alt.barney.die.die.die' which is battling to save this country. Some of these people have dared to go out (undercover) with Barney and Baby Bop and believe me, these walking, talking stuffed animals are not what they pretend to be. "Unfortunately, the Barney cultists are trying to subvert this bastion of TRUE AMERICANISM. Many commie system administrators won't put this news group on their machine. If you are on the Internet, send (and keep sending) mail to your administrator demanding that they not only put these unsung American heroes on, but that nobody be allowed to do anything else until they have read every message ever posted to the group and answered (with no mistakes) a 1,000 question quiz. Also we need to pull the accounts of all Barney supporters. This is the only way to save the country. "And remember that when you drive or walk, never, never make a left turn. It's too dangerous. Just turn right three times. It works just as well. And you feel proud doing it." ::*:: Mr. Hoffman, along with numerous other historical figures, can also be contacted through our PSYCHIC HOTLINE. --6-- ::HELP WANTED. News Girls:: Network News Groups don't keep info long and a lot of people don't read them. Plus because we are the only force on the Internet that dares expose the grey alien, boring commie conspiracy which is ruining this country, a lot of people secretly plot to remove us. We need your help. Mail our tabloid to your friends (have them mail it to their friends), send copies to bulletin boards. Print up copies and leave them in doctors offices and other places with reading material lying around. Take our work and mix it with your own. Use your imagination. Remember information propagation on the nets is a matter of individual actions. If these actions are not taken, then we will not be able to challenge the powerful combines which control the conventional media. We would like to use boys, but we are afraid this work may be too complicated and technical and strenuous for you. But go ahead and try if you like. It's said that some males do eventually figure out how to use computers. With a couple years of practice, you may even learn to log on. Some people think this might be a hormone thing, so you might consider asking your doctor for an estrogen prescription.