//WWN.1 --0-- ::WEAKLY WEIRD NEWS:: ::ISSUE 1:: AN INTERNET TABLOID. --0.1-- ::COPYRIGHT INFO:: The following material may be freely copied, transmitted, printed, broken into pieces, mixed with other pieces, used for commercial purposes and plagiarized. --1-- ::GOVERNMENT ADMITS IT WAS RUN BY A UFO ALIEN:: Recently released intelligence documents reveal the following. In the 1930s code name "New-man" appeared. He claimed to be from Hungary. Subsequent investigations revealed that he had never be near the place. It was noted that he drove his car as though it were a flying saucer. He could do sums in his head faster than any existing machine. He is credited with inventing the computer we use today. Then he invented another computer that we are only beginning to figure out. Some scientists say that "sillier automata" are the key to modeling the universe. Some even say it explains the game of life. He ran the government bureaucracy. Thirty years after his death the Star Wars program was initiated at his instigation. It was felt that it would be nice if we could fulfill his very last request and nuke the Russians. Was he a good alien or a bad one ? Agent X of an agency too secret to be identified is quoted as saying (off the record):"It might have been safer to drop him on Hiroshima along with the bomb he helped build." Why have we heard never about this man before ? What deep dark secrets is our government hiding ? What was his real name ? Why don't we teach about him in our public schools ? --2-- ::PAID ADVERTISEMENT:: TRADITIONAL FOLK REMEDY LETS YOU EAT ALL YOU WANT WHILE LOSING 4 POUNDS A WEEK. The answer was known to our grandparents, but we have forgotten the wisdom of the ages. Tapeworms make wonderful companions. You begin to think of as pets who you want to feed well. Umm would they like that chocolate cake, how about two cakes ? Maybe a cherry pie. Sound good? About three hamburgers and a pizza, a double order of double fries. Let's wash it down with a couple milkshakes. Gee whiz you're still hungry. Forget the appetizers, let's get down to the main course. Isn't this the life style you've always dreamed of ? Learn about our franchising opportunities. You breed worms at home and sell them to your neighbors. Get our MANUAL OF HUMAN PARASITES (tm), the great how-to book that changes your life in ways you can't believe. Keep falling asleep at work ? Scabies and lice will keep you awake and jumping. You'll get a promotion and you will be real exciting in bed. Your lovers won't believe that it is you. And all without the use of harmful drugs. Did you know that Steven Jobs started a multi billion dollar computer company with the money he made from a flea circus. You could too, if you had as many fleas as he had. The opportunities are endless. Send us your life savings and we will generously give you a lot of bugs. --3-- ::THE DRAGON LADY SPEAKS:: Okay girls its time for some frank, lets get real stuff. We need "WOMEN'S LIB", not this namby pamby "feminism" which tells us we're good, pure and sweet and turns us into victims. A lot of big bosses are bullies. They've been practicing since kindergarten. They find the things that make us quiver up and one of them is sexual harassment. A lot of "feminists" give into this blatant power play by acting as prudish and shocked as a sweet Victorian poet. They faint and have heart attacks and can't sleep for weeks at the statement that pubic hairs somehow always find their way into coke cans. The proper reaction is to crack up thinking about the only way that Clarence could have got his short hairs stuck on a quick pull tab. If you think about it, this means that either a particular part of him is very small or very shredded. Getting upset by perverts only excites them. They crave attention. Remember how they used to loudly fart back in fifth grade ? To take them to court is what they dream of. This way they show the world that they really did have a sex life, they actually got the attention of a real live girl. Ordinarily they have to pay a two bucks a minute to talk to one on the phone. Still jerks are jerks and sometimes you have got to shut them up. Remember men are much more vulnerable than women when it comes to humiliation. They go limp at the slightest criticism and then they go into the woods, beat on drums, dance naked with each other and drink a lot. God knows what happens after that. They call this "male bondage" and write books about iron johns and other porta-potties. You must be gentle. You can not provide the same level of crudity as men do. Still, the following sweet rebukes usually do the trick. Remember speak in a calm tone. Let the male know that you are making a friendly observation. You are saying these things because you care for him and would like to make him happy. This makes him feel less threatened. "If I were you, I'd get a castration. It did wonders for my dog." "Couldn't get it up again last night ?" "You really want something hard, big and hot up your bottom, don't you. I can always tell by the way you wiggle it." "Oh go back to the toilet and finish masturbating. You know it's the most important thing in your life. Don't let that big meeting stop you." "Oh I don't mind your big mouth at all. I understand its compensation for a small something else. Go ahead and be an insecure jerk. It's not your fault that you were born inadequate and still have a thing about your mom." "You should be happy that your wife found someone to satisfy her. Women need that, you know." Get the drift girls ? How bout you boys ? If another guy is being a jerk, then you can be a jerk. It hurts their ego even more when it comes from another male. And this kind of action will make you real popular with the girls. Sometimes a few words are not enough. You have to have a "hen party". Everyone pecks a little and before you know it there's just a little pile of fluff and a lingering odor that will live in your memory forever. At one company, the hot shot vice president asked every female for a date. Nobody agreed and suddenly work was a lot more of a hassle. Something had to be done. Here and there a mildly curious female worker asked a male "do you think he is gay." The male shook his head. After all the vice president was giving a real big score. He had even penciled it up in the mens bathroom. He would bring in girlie magazines and all the guys would stand around and get erections. Then they would unzip their pants to see whose was biggest. If that wasn't normal, redblooded American heterosexual behavior, then nothing was. But then the sly, little shy thing would continue. "But when he took Jenny out he insisted that they go see some male bikini dancers, you know one of those places where they don't let men in without a female escort. She thought he was doing it to get her aroused, but he seemed to enjoy the show more than she did. And he wanted to stay and see the next show. Barbara said when she went out with him, he spent all his time talking with a hairy, smelly biker they met in the bar. Then he dropped her off home and went some place real quick. Sherry says he can't get it up unless she wears a strap on and a fake moustache. And have you seen the way he stares at your rear. I think he really likes you." While male lust for females is accepted within corporate culture, male sexual interest in other males provokes immediate response. The vice president was soon unemployed. His wife divorced him and got all the property because the judge thought it criminal the way he had exposed her to the risk of AIDs. You can see him in a brown stained coat, mumbling to himself. Every once in a while he starts shouting "I am not gay ! I am not gay !" Passersby mutter "Sure buddy" and hurry on. Since his departure, corporate productivity has shown immense improvement. Sexual harassment is an equal opportunity pursuit. Women should practice it more often. It would do men good. --4-- ::YOU MAY BE TOO SMART:: Researchers have come up with a startling conclusion which most people have suspected for years. American organizations want their employees dumb. According to brilliant scientists at a major university "Brains, creativity and the ability to figure out the bookkeeping pose a threat to our national leadership. These are insecure people who desperately want to be secure." The solution "Start your own business or go work for a Japanese company. If you can't do either of these, then watch a lot of television. Or else get a Phd." --5-- ::MONSTERS FOUND IN PEOPLES BRAINS:: According Carl Jung, a dead Swiss psychic, our heads contain the seeds of dragons, gargoyles, drolls and other monsters stored in nerve tissue known as "archetypes". These little reptile eggs are passed down from generation to generation without anybody knowing it, but sometimes they emerge and make crop circles or kidnap people and perform genetic experiments on them. --6-- ::LUSH LIMPBOWEL SAYS:: Lighten up America ! I'm just a chubby, not too bright guy who wanted to be a major entertainer and guess what? I am ! I'm happy about everything. I don't want to shoot anybody. I even love those I disagree with because some of them are always saying or doing really dumb, asinine things that I can use on my show. Furthermore I even have a vague idea of what is written in the Constitution. But you should see some of my audiences. Spittle and spite don't begin to describe it. Some of these people are Germans waiting for a Hitler. Be thankful I'm not a George Wallace or a Spiro Agnew and all I want out of ranting is better ratings. Lighten up America ! Cause if you think I'm bad, you need a reality check. --7-- ::HELP WANTED:: ::WRITERS:: Individuals capable of maintaining our level of journalism are wanted. Hacks and liars only. Artists need not apply. Send submissions (under 1,000 words) to: dbennett @ crl.com. ::EDITORIAL PRACTICE:: --7.1-- To save trouble and to show our adherence to traditional editorial arrogance, we will probably not inform you that we have published your work. --7.2-- If you wish correspondence from readers, please put your Internet address in the article. We are not in the mail forwarding business. --7.3-- We will rarely bother to edit or even read submitted work. However in some cases we will insert spelling and grammatical errors to make you look stupid. --7.4-- As far as we are concerned you are overpaid. Don't bother to write and tell us that we are not giving you a penny. As far as we are concerned that is way too much. --7.5-- We expect gratitude that we have gone to so much trouble to create the sort of environment that printed writers expect. --7.6-- We are an equal opportunity employer.