ÚÄ Ü Ü Ü Ü Ä¿ Ûßß ÛßÛ ß Û Û Ûßß ÜÜÛ ß ÛÛÜ Û Ü ßßÛ ÛÜÛ Û Û Û Ûß Û Û Û Û Þ ÛÜß ÛÛÛ Û ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ Û Þ ÛßÛ ÀÄ ÄÙ Ä electronic literary 'zine Ä *ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ* ù ÄÄ´ volume seven ÃÄÄ ù *ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ* stop plagiarism - let out your soul Copyright 11+12/95 ú úùcompiled & edited by Twilightùú ú ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ þ Table of Contents þ ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù 1. Bodies - Billy Corgan 2. Bullet With Butterfly Wings - Billy Corgan 3. Colors - Teufel Hunden 4. Drops Of Love - Phillips 5. Downtown - Derek De Prator 6. Dung Heap - Lynn Bonhomme 7. Engulf - Twilight 8. Eternal - Rude or Obscene 9. Fate Of Humanity - Twilight 10. Foxfires - Zita Maria Evensen 11. Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman? - Bryan Adams 12. He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss) - Carol King & Jerry Goffin 13. Hold Me - Inigo Montoya 14. How You Made Me Feel - Gena Schwam 15. I Am A Dream... - Milady 16. I Am Standing Upon The Seashore - Anonymous 17. If We'd Tried - Rude or Obscene 18. In The Arms Of Sleep - Billy Corgan 19. Paint A Suicide Picture - Janet Kuypers 20. Pebbles From Bricks - Max Raven 21. Sores - Gena Schwam 22. Sugar Coma - Courtney Love 23. Sunset - Russ Costa 24. Sweet Masochism - Jeff Stack 25. The End - Teufel Hunden 26. The Next Time - Colby C. Enck 27. The Sky Is Falling - Twilight 28. The Spider - Benjamin Cushman 29. Things You Didn't Do - Anonymous 30. Tonight, Tonight - Billy Corgan 31. Untitled - Gena Schwam 32. Wanting - Jeff Woods 33. Waterfalls - TLC 34. We Can Still Be Friends - Rude or Obscene 35. Where You Are Not - Michael McNeilley 36. You'll See - Madonna þ Including Quotes From: "V.C. Andrews", Anthrax, _The Breakfast Club_, Robb Buzsny, Billy Corgan, Courtney Love, Ian Moore, Thurston Moore, Vladimir Nabokov, Krist Novoselic, Anne Rice, Elyse Singer, Olaf Tyaransen, and Ziola ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Bodies þ Billy Corgan ùúùúùúùúùúùúùú cast the pearls aside, of a simple life of need come into my life forever the crumbled cities stand as known of the sights you have been shown of the hurt you call your own love is suicide the empty bodies stand at rest casualites of their own flesh afflicted by their dispossession but no bodies ever knew nobodys no bodies felt like you nobodys love is suicide now we drive the night, to the ironies of peace you can't help deny forever the tragedies reside in you the secret sights hide in you the lonely nights divide you in two all my blisters now revealed in the darkness of my dreams in the spaces in between us but no bodies ever knew nobodys no bodies felt like you nobodys love is suicide "This is us being us. Accept no substitutes." Ä Thurston Moore Bullet With Butterfly Wings þ Billy Corgan ùúùúùúùúùúùúùú the world is a vampire, sent to drain secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames and what do i get, for my pain betrayed desires, and a piece of the game even though i know - i suppose i'll show all my cool and cold-like old job despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage then someone will say what is lost can never be saved despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage now i'm naked, nothing but an animal but can you fake it, for just one more show and what do you want, i want to change and what have you got when you feel the same even though i know - i suppose i'll show all my cool and cold-like old job despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage then someone will say what is lost can never be saved despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage tell me i'm the only one tell me there's no other one jesus was an only son tell me i'm the chosen one jesus was an only son for you despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage and i still believe that i cannot be saved "On behalf of Dave, Pat, and I, I would like to thank all for your concern at this time. We remember Kurt for what he was: caring, generous, and sweet. Let's keep the music with us; we'll always have it, forever. Kurt had an ethic toward his fans that was rooted in the punk rock way of thinking: no band is special, no player royalty. If you've got a guitar and a lot of soul, just bang something out and mean it. You're the superstar, plugged into tones and rhythms that are uniquely and universally human; music. Heck, use your guitar as a drum; just catch a groove and let it flow out of your heart. That's the level that Kurt spoke to us on, in our hearts. And that's where he and the music will always be, forever." Ä Krist Novoselic Colors þ Teufel Hunden ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù Words are colors, Letters simply pigment splashed across a page. Red is fiery, is anger and passion. Blue for depression. A pen is poised, ready in hand To spit out words, the day's end butts of old cigars Splattering on the page, a dull yellow stain spreading; Yellow is loneliness. Words dribble out, honey for the tongue, Like the empty drops of time Slipping into a bucket, waiting to be filled; And when full To be emptied again. Love can be rose. In my dreams I held you tight as you slept, Smelled the new grass scent of your hair as you slept, Heard the soft, steady beat of your heart as you slept, Felt the warm touch of your cheek on my skin as you slept, Tasted the bitter salt of my tears as you slept, Saw the enveloping darkness as you slept, Black is peace. Then I awoke, alone The morning sun pouring through my window. White is emptiness. "Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness, and cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me." Ä Billy Corgan Drops Of Love þ Phillips ùúùúùúùúùúùúù I wipe the mask off your face it drips onto my shoulder down my chest it smears my cheek part of your precious life wiped away with my hand so little effort for so much destruction tiny drops trickle their way down my arm your life drips from my fingertips deep silence not a single thought crossing my mind for what i have done IS unthinkable unspeakable to sacrifice the one i love. Pricking into your stomach the pain of love is so deep Torn to pieces from the inside out your emotions spill out onto my face wounds manifest around your heart so much pain for such few words yet no scars nor blood just tears and indefinable pain "Pain gives you strength, strength pushes you forward, hate holds you back." Downtown þ Derek De Prator ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù as we troll the streets together roaming the south side smoking our lungs away talking on and on until we can talk no more as we stroll the downtown where many people go for their own reasons an escape from their lives an escape from the confines of suburbia an escape from the close confines of their homes we'll go together so we won't be alone you'll drift into the night like a bird that's in flight i look at you i watch you in your thrift store clothes and the way you talk to me is hypnotizing me like the sun beating down upon us the sun that will not leave us alone the streets are full of people skaters bangers hippies punks whatever the trend calls them they walk the streets with their backpacks full with souvenirs of the city they've walked up and down for hours waiting for a place to sit down and rest but there is another store with another shirt or a record or a cd that screams out for them to waste their money some more to spend their time walking around the store looking for that something that one thing they couldn't find anywhere but here for this is not someplace they get to go everyday people have jobs or go to school or have other more important things to do but they will always flock they will always be drawn like zombies and they will always be back again because after all this is downtown. "It was like dipping a stick into the ocean and trying to write something - all the little people of the world spinning out little patterns that lasted no more than a few years, and meant nothing at all." Ä Anne Rice Dung Heap þ Lynn Bonhomme ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù I have climbed this dung hill called life reaching the top thru toil and sweat and what I found at the top of this hill was that I had a better view of shit "Women are not encouraged to scream 'Fuck you' and mean it. As someone who rarely blasts music for the pure pleasure of it, I had forgotten what a release it is to let music thrash through your system. To scream *real loud*, backed up by electric guitars and a kick-ass drummer. To feel the power of a rock star." Ä Elyse Singer, regarding Hole Engulf þ Twilight ùúùúùúùúùú in the dark, dripping cave one small droplet languidly falls, reeling towards the earth - plopping serenely, yet so solemnly from the pointed tip of an icicle into the massive, glistening pool. and the crystalline twinkle envelopes the resounding echo, flirting ever-so-cautiously while piercing a hole in its tranquility, sucking into a gripping, deep void. and the little arms furiously pull, desperately clenching for the missing piece to join them and become one. invisible but for a few dancing ripples - already disappearing...unifying... until the fading screams are finally engulfed once again by the deadly still of silence. "[Courtney Love stagedived] in one of the bootleg videos I ordered from some guy on the Net. I ended up looping a clip of her stage dive into the play ['Love in the Void']. She stands at the edge of the stage and then climbs atop the mass of screaming bodies and outstretched hands. She dives three times and, in the fourth, is held aloft and then swallowed by the pit. Terrifying. I realized that her stage diving could be compared to her journey through the Internet, and crowd/Net surfing became another 'Love in the Void' theme. Putting herself into the hands of her fans, whether physically or psychologically. Diving into the void." Ä Elyse Singer Eternal þ Rude or Obscene ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù A neverending craving Life couldn't satisfy A soul that's not worth saving A body that won't die My mind is getting sharper As my soul is turning grey And I'm running through the darkness And I'm running from the day. Fate Of Humanity þ Twilight ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú A feared leap onto a hidden stepping stone Blindfolded and reaching, along the chosen path I found a hand - The first niche in a darkened world The initial feeling of belonging. My first friend of my new beginning, at ease, tranquil, yet eager to please. And then I felt like I belonged... amidst those so foreign. Alongside, a carried torch, a happily flickering light to brighten the drab grey stones that surrounded and engulfed A leader, a guide, my mentor... But as soon as I found my balance, when I could finally stand alone, and easily found new places to step - I didn't need the hand...anymore. Yet within, I never forgot the aid that was so generously given... And of late, I see so much has dimmed... A selfish bastard snuffed the torch, bringing down thick a blanket of darkness and leaving that gaping hole where such a happy disposition could always have been depended upon. I carry on in solemn tranquility, silently mourning, quietly grieving, thinking that one so bright... will never again rest his eyes on the sun... and feel its delicious warmth. In such a world, light diminishing leadens the hope in such penetrating doom as the youthful are constantly being taken away - I mourn the loss of a friend and the fate of humanity... The only consolation is that his creative soul... may ever fly free. "The death of another person is perhaps the only genuine supernatural event we ever experience." Ä Anne Rice Foxfires þ Zita Maria Evensen ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú in the realm of your intelligences are kings, advisors, paupers, monkeys chattering gossips and charlatans with maple-syrup tongues that make skycrapers shed honey-dew for thirsty aphids and rover ants listen to the breast-beatings of those who come to confessionals with haloed piety of a saint asking forgiveness for dispensing toxic advice and wanton morality there is a little boy's mind slinging stones at stain glass windows of the house of beautiful language there are skeptics addicted to burning manuscripts and lovers who do not listen at all "Give me a man or woman who has read a thousand books and you give me an interesting companion. Give me a man or woman who has read perhaps three and you give me a dangerous enemy indeed." Ä Anne Rice Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman? þ Bryan Adams ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù To really love a woman, To understand her, You've got to know her deep inside Hear every thought, See every dream, And give her wings when she wants to fly Then when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms, You know you really love a woman When you love a woman, You tell her that she's really wanted When you love a woman, You tell her that she's the one She needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever So tell me have you ever really...really, really ever loved a woman To really love a woman, Let her hold you, 'Til you know how she needs to be touched You've got to breathe her, really taste her 'Til you can feel her in your blood And when you see your unborn children in her eyes You know you really love a woman You've got to give her some faith, Hold her tight, a little tenderness You've got to treat her right She will be there for you, taking good care of you You really gotta love your woman And when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms, You know you really love a woman When you love a woman, You tell her that she's really wanted When you love a woman, You tell her that she's the one She needs somebody to tell her that you'll always be together So tell me have you ever really...really, really ever loved a woman He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss) þ Carol King & Jerry Goffin ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù He hit me, and it felt like a kiss He hit me, but it didn't hurt me He couldn't stand to hear me say That I'd been with someone new And when I told him I had been untrue He hit me, and it felt like a kiss He hit me, and I knew he loved me 'Cause if he didn't care for me I could have never made him mad And he hit me, and I was glad Baby won't you stay... He hit me, and it felt like a kiss He hit me, and I knew I loved him 'Cause when he took me in his arms With all the tenderness there is He hit me, and he made me feel Baby won't you stay... "I still dream a dream of humanity." Ä Ian Moore Hold Me þ Inigo Montoya ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù Hold me in your soft brown eyes the ones which weep withered rose petals for the sadness that they see in me Hold me not as a lover, but as a friend because I need not one who will leave but one who will remain and hold me as I lose my passion for life angry at a world's mystery vacated and an innermost core destroyed hold me that I am not strong in hiding behind false arrogance afraid to be me left alone unheld like all the days when the rain and all the nights when the pain made me long for a death which would hold me forever and let me burn away in the paradise of tender arms which would crush me gently as they hold me because you can see into me into my loving heart bleeding upon my armour as it fills with fear that no one will hold me and come to know the person that I really am beneath the man who I am not as the loneliness consumes him hold me because I can trust your touch on my cheek against your body where I can trust you just to hold me. How You Made Me Feel þ Gena Schwam ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú so alone dying frightened angry child reverted to pre-adolescent screaming no one listening walls caving in heart disassembled jelly blobs of bleeding red i cried and you laughed at me my tears were heightened in their flow and the emerging wave of anger burst forth a broken vein gushing spurting black words poisonous echoes and from you silence cavernous sadness racing nausea how i love you i cannot hold on the rope is tangling around my neck "Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness..." Ä Billy Corgan I Am A Dream... þ Milady ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù I am a dream in the day One that sleep does not require To feel me without touch To caress with infinite desire Closed eyes see me shadow While taste is just a memory Mind's fragrance is of the essence And time thinks of me Waiting for you to hold me And feel your tender touch My heart beats wildly For the one I miss so much Only the day will know your thoughts of me And the night shall bring me there "'Reality' [is] one of the few words which mean nothing without quotes." Ä Vladimir Nabokov I Am Standing Upon The Seashore þ Anonymous ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù White sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, "There, she is gone!" "Gone where?" Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says "There, she is gone!," there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!" And that is dying. "It's amazing the capacity people have to learn. You NEVER cease learning... you spend half your life (sometimes all of it) searching for an identity and trying to establish beliefs; and though you may establish your beliefs, you'll never know everything there IS to know regarding yourself. You, yourself, are so infinite...it's wonderful." Ä Ziola If We'd Tried þ Rude or Obscene ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù Last night while I was sleeping I closed my eyes to see Standing at that wide ravine You were there with me Together in that sacred place Shunning time and gauging space We reminisced of childhood dreams And all our adolescent schemes Making plans and setting goals We'd doused the fires but teased the coals We laughed But still We must have cried We might be dead We might have died We might have made our dreams come true You might have made it I might have too We might have lept that wide ravine And who knows what we might have seen? We might be dead We might have died But we might have made it If we'd tried. In The Arms Of Sleep þ Billy Corgan ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú sleep will not come to this tired body now peace will not come to this lonely heart there are some things i'll live without but i want you to know that i need you right now i need you tonite i steal a kiss from her sleeping shadow moves 'cause i'll always miss her wherever she goes and i'll always need her more than she could ever need me i need someone to ease my mind but sometimes a someone is so hard to find and i'll do anything to keep her here tonite and i'll say anything to make her feel all right and i'll be anything to keep her here tonite 'cause i want you to stay, with me i need you tonite she comes to me like an angel out of time as i play the part of a saint on my knees there are some things i'll live without but i want you to know that i need you right now suffer my desire suffer my desire suffer my desire for you "Although Courtney Love's language [on the Internet] provided the inspiration for 'Love in the Void', the play really took off once we experienced the music first-hand - in the pit, in our lungs. And it felt damn good to finally inhale." Ä Elyse Singer Paint A Suicide Picture þ Janet Kuypers ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù To the family of Jocelyn Burn I found these letters, you see, and I didn't know what else to do with them. I just moved into an apartment on the lower east side, and there was a box of belongings left in a storage space in the back of my pantry. There were mostly old pots and pans in there, so I didn't think anything of it, but then I came across these letters. I assume they are from your sister, because I liked her music (I even saw a show of hers in Phoenix), and the date of the last letter corresponds with the day she passed away. I didn't know what to do with these letters. They weren't in envelopes, so there was no address, and my landlord refuses to tell me who used to live here. Security purposes, he tells me. They haven't tried to get their belongings back, and I waited a while for them in case they did. I almost wanted to keep them for myself; they just seemed to say so much, I felt like I had almost felt these things. I didn't want to give them up. But I know your family would have wanted to read them. They belong to you. Let me just tell you to prepare yourself for these letters. They are from the last month of her life. She was going to a few shows... I don't know why she felt the way she did. Her band was starting to make it. The radios gave her air play in the last two months. These letters are sad to read. I don't know who the letters are addressed to. Maybe you do. I wish I did. I suppose it doesn't matter now, though I would like to see the mystery revealed. I'm sure you feel more strongly about this than I do, but I would like to know why. The fame and love she looked for she received partly because of her death. She is now revered. If only she could feel it. I hope these letters answer some questions for you, or possibly bring you some peace. They are strong letters. I am sorry for your loss. Joe Pagliano New York, New York * September 23 i hate everyone and everything. why can't i find someone that cares about me? even a best friend? even someone who claims to want to spend the rest of his life with me? even if i can't stand him? why do i feel so worthless? why do people stab me in the back? i hate you all. i really hate the fact that you hurt me so much. i really want to not exist for a while. i'm tired of people hurting me. i'm tired of people. there are some times when i feel so lonely and unwanted that i want to die. i want it all to end. i just hate having to deal with the people in life that make life difficult. when i start in this cycle, i just know that i fall farther and farther down. who do i blame for this? i want to blame someone so i can think it isn't my fault. that i don't have a terrible fault that brings all this pain on me. i really need to get away from here. i need to find someone that cares. i think i care about myself, but god, i want to know that i am not the only one. i feel so lonely, so betrayed. i have no friends. everyone is so fucking fake. why can't i count on anyone? why can't i find someone to lean on, just once? every time i try, every time i start to feel confident about myself, someone has to come along and shatter it all. i hate feeling like this. i wish i had people i could count on for once in my life. i hate crying. i hate feeling this way about myself. i hate it. it's over October 1 i keep getting screwed over. i'm supposed to do this show. i make plans for it. then i find out though the grapevine that i'm not going. my managers couldn't even tell me. i have to ask and pester and bother in order to find out what i'm doing. then i'm not going. then four days before the show i find out that i am going, it's back on. how am i supposed to prepare for this? October 3 i really don't like tom. he doesn't understand that i just want a little attention. he thinks i really like him. i couldn't like that. no, i just want an ego boost if i can't have someone real. October 4 i just want to feel like i'm alive again. i don't feel that way now, and i don't know how to get that feeling back anymore. i was sitting in the hot tub yesterday evening, and it put me in the best mood ever. i was in a good mood all night until i realized that i wasn't going to be going out; then i just went to sleep. i like doing the shows, i guess. i like going to different towns for shows. it was nice for a few hours to be in another city, high up in the air in my hotel room, half dressed, thinking that i owned something. myself, maybe, or maybe just some ideas. for a little while, i felt alive. i miss that. i want to feel alive all the time. i want to feel alive. October 11 i hate feeling lonely. i hate feeling alone. i can't believe a one of the managers wanted to sleep with me last night. a part of me still doesn't want to have to deal with it. i wouldn't want to date him if he was single because not only do i work with him, but i also know what a woman watcher he is. it's not as if i should think it was because i was special, though. i think it was pretty much because i have breasts. what a joke. always me. i didn't wait for tom to call me back yesterday, and he didn't. i thought at least he would try to screw me. i didn't even get that effort. and i'm sure todd won't ever want to call me back. i'm just sure of it. and i'm sure jeff looks like a horror movie creature. where is my soul mate? maybe i have no soul. that's why i can find no one. i think i should just start fucking everything that moves again. at least then i had an ounce of physical satisfaction. god, and i know my life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. the more depressed i get, the more people don't want to be with me, and then the more depressed i get. why do i have October 16 all of my true goals are destroyed by other people. i want someone to lean on. i want someone who doesn't make me feel like shit. i want to achieve my goals. i want to be successful. i want to be famous. i want to be rich. i want to make everyone jealous and feel like they are worthless compared to me. i want to feel like i am above everyone else. everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless. everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless. everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless. everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless. everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless. everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless. everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless. everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless. people are such liars. i hate them all. why did i let myself get like this? why did i let people do this to me? i've just destroyed my future musically and it was all because of someone else. someone i thought i could count on. someone who i thought loved me. someone who i thought would always love me. i was wrong. i was terribly wrong. no one loves me. no one loves me at all. i am not important. i am not important at all. i am worthless. i mean nothing to no one. i am worthless. i could just drop off the face of the earth and it would only matter to the people who had to prepare my remains for the funeral. and to them it would only be another client in their day. why do i have to be so alone? why do people have to be so fake? am i not talented? am i not successful? am i not funny? am i not important? if you're so funny... why are you on your own tonight? i can't do anything. i can't sing. i can't perform. i'm useless. i'm worthless. i'm nothing. i wish i could be something, but i am only nothing and i will always be nothing. i wish i could count on someone. i can count on no one. everyone who i thought was important to me, well, i was not important to them. i hate being nothing. even the people who i thought would always love me, well, i should know better, they don't care about me either. every single person who i thought was a part of my life, well, i was wrong, s/he isn't. i mean nothing to them. i always thought i did things to improve myself because i care about myself. i was wrong. i still do things because i care about how other people think of me. and i have failed. i have no one. i have no talent. i have nothing - even in myself - to count on. i have no one. i feel so alone and i feel so incompetent. and i feel as if no one cares. no one does. October 18 life is so interesting sometimes. it's amazing how one conversation can change my whole outlook on life. i need to be reminded sometimes of what i am doing, of who i am, of what is deep down inside me. i have to be tested. i don't know if i will ever get to sing - and be appreciated for it. i don't know who i want to spend the rest of my life with. who they will be, when it will be, anything. it is almost nice. here i am, in another country, sitting once again in some lounge with absolutely no soul, drinking something. i figured i have $27 canadian, oh, probably $30 with my dollar coins, that i won't be able to spend in the states. i could go window shopping, but that would require motion; besides, david might be trying to get ahold of me, and i don't know whether or not i should wait for him. never have enough time. when i do, i do the same things - drink and think too much. amaretto stone sours are particularly good. and then i will get on the plane and... uh... mark will pick me up (yes, it really did take me that long to think of his name). david was laughing at how i throw men around. well, none of them are good enough for me to keep. show went okay tonight. i do like the travel. it makes me feel better for some reason to be alone in another city than in my hometown. October 20 why am i that worthless to you? am i that worthless to you? i guess i am, since you treat me the way that you do. i came here hoping to get out of my depression. you only succeeded in sinking me deeper. i want to die. you succeeded in your mission. i hope you're happy. now i know that everyone hates me. i can't do anything tonight. tonight was supposed to be the beginning of the rest of my life. i was supposed to start anew. you've destroyed that for me. you've used me, that's all you've done. you've succeeded in making me feel even more worthless than i already did. are you happy? were you looking to destroy me? probably not, you were probably not even thinking about me, giving me a single thought in your head. that's how little i mean to people, and i know it. don't worry, i guess you're not the only one, but i think you were the straw that broke the camel's back. i wanted to hear it from you because no one else would tell it to me. but you didn't, either, and now i know the truth about myself and what people think about me. i guess i should almost thank you for showing me the light. it is a painful light, but it is the truth nonetheless. i've always said i wanted the truth out of people, and now i guess i've got it. no one cares for me. i am useless in this world. maybe i'll be more useful in the next. what a fucking joke. if there were a next world. when i die, i don't want any ceremonies done. i don't want to be filled with any chemicals so my body can be displayed for people who claim to mourn; i don't want to be a part of that modern-day ritual. i want to die, and i want my body to decompose the way it normally would so that maybe at least my remains may benefit nature somehow. i feel like kurt cobain, except i've done nothing that would make me revered. i've done nothing. no one appreciates what i've done in my life. i've overcome so much, and it still isn't enough. nothing ever works out for me. ever. i'm alone October 22 my dreams are always just that, dreams. if i ever achieve anything, it is in a half-ass way that proves that i really can't achieve my goals after all. i feel so lonely. lonely even when i am in a crowded room. alone. i want someone to know me and appreciate me for my talent. i want someone to feel as if they can follow me just because of the work that i do. i want to be accepted and appreciated in that realm. when that doesn't happen, i look for someone that appreciates me in a physical sense. then i find them and i realize that it is only temporary, that no one has any respect for me, that i have still lost. that no one really cares about me. that i am nothing. that i am worthless. i wanted to think that you would always care for me. i should have known better. i should have known you were just like all of the others, even after all we have been through. gone through? what the hell have we gone through? you followed me like a puppy dog. you have a small penis. i don't know, i guess other than the harrassment i felt from you after we broke up, after the bout with arthritis after dating you again, you haven't brought me much. i want to think that i have happy memories in my life, but i can't think of any. with you or with anyone. life will go on without me. i just wish a lot of the time that it would end for me sooner than later. i've always said that i know that i will always lead a long life because i know that with my luck, i'll be forced to live this miserable life for the longest time possible. what i've never said is that that notion really depresses me. there are a lot of times when i just want to die. i just want to disappear and never have to deal with anything - never even have to live - again. sometimes even breathing seems like a chore. i wish i could feel alive writing used to help me, but it doesn't seem to anymore. i don't even feel like getting drunk now. usually that is my answer for anything. i don't have the answers anymore. October 23 when someone reads this, i will be gone. i want to die. no one loves me. i am worthless. every time i tried to reach out to someone, he always failed me. i'm tired of being there for people when they are never there for me. i'm tired of being strained, i'm tired of being pushed around, i'm tired. don't you understand? i'm tired of crying. i'm tired of hating myself any more. i'm never going to make anything of myself. no one will let me. let me die. i haven't felt like this since my father beat me. now i should be stronger, but i can't fight the whole world. fuck my dreams. i can't achieve them. fuck the causes. fuck them all. i can't beat everything in this whole world. i give up. give me some pills. wait. i have some. soon it will be over for me. don't let the world remember me. i want to die without a trace, the way i lived. i never found the answers. why couldn't anyone love me? was i that difficult? why did everyone destroy me? i can't fight you. why aren't these pills working? i'm so tired. by the time someone reads this, i will be dead. i will die crying. i will die knowing no one cared. i wish someone could have loved me, once. þùúùþ Janet Kuypers, Chicago, is the editor/publisher of the literary/art magazine "children, churches and daddies". She has had two books published, _hope chest in the attic_ and _the window_, is a graphic designer by day, and also sings with a band. Bio sketch: Employment: Art/Production Editor for a publishing company in Chicago Education: bachelor in News/Ed. Journalism (Communictions), with a minor in photography, from the University of Illinois, Urbana/Champaign Publication Credits: published over 600 for writing and over 150 for artwork. "What does 'selling out' mean, anyway? Most commonly, it refers to someone who sacrifices her soul in order to make lots of money. I'd like to expand the definition to include any act in which you trade authenticity for popularity, any behavior in which you seek power or praise at the expense of truth and heart." Ä Robb Brezsny Pebbles From Bricks þ Max Raven ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù I toss pebbles from where I sit on this black towering cliff. I listen for the sound of the ground catching up to the pebbles. I listen for the sound of screaming from the pebbles and wonder if they know they are falling. I fell once from one of the bricks, silently embracing the chasm in my mind. I never wanted to climb again this taunting torturing mountain. I never wanted to know the feeling of flying out of fear of the inevitable approaching ground. And I sit on this cliff face higher than I ever have been before. My feet dangle off the edge although I still fear falling into myself. My feet dangle off the edge and I know death's bony grin shall never have its place at my dinner table again. I have learned how to fly away from damaging silky depths. I have found an angel to teach me to fly past the clouds, pagodas, and stars. I have found an angel to show different sides of all the walls and to give the keys to my soul. I sit, tossing pebbles. I sit, throwing away pieces of me. I sit, forgetting the bad of me. I sit, living the good of me. Through the windows of the universe the angel comes to break away the wall. I stand above the crumbling bricks, hold my angel's hand, and fly. Sores þ Gena Schwam ùúùúùúùúùúùúù soft grapes lying in the sun dying the mold of wet makes sores the skin once purple now yellow a seed sores like vermin infest my thoughts my brain an insipid mess reeling from nights of heavy bodies legs and lips locked tongues sore like the flame of a forgotten fire blue and white needling points individuals thoughts carved scraped from my flesh and you gouge me there are scars love bites welts sores open and crying like gulls shading me from the garish moon a harelip smile the gulls fly through the clouds dipping into the warm sea salty and festering a giant swelling sore fish in their beaks blood falling landing amidst the sand no one will ever know the pain the agony rendered here "Bless my body, bless my sore; dip it in turpentine..." Ä Courtney Love Sugar Coma þ Courtney Love ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù Do what you want Cause I'll do anything I'll take the blame Baby, you're dying It's yours, it's mine 'Cause I'll do anything I'll take the blame even when you're dying He said I'll never never ever go away He said he'd always always, he would always stay They said they'd never never ever go away They said that they would always always, they would always stay And your eyes I thought I saw everything I'll take the blame Baby, you're lying Do what you want 'Cause I tried everything I'll take the blame even when I'm dying He said I'll never never ever go away He said he'd always always, he would always stay They said they'd never ever ever go away They said that they would always always they would always stay He was good tonight He cried tonight I was not surprised He said I'll never ever ever go away He'd said he'd always always he would always stay He said he'd never ever ever go away He said he's always always, he would always stay Baby you wanted to die Now you decide Help me alive Let him make rise Baby, all your lies Now you decide "Although Courtney would later describe her band's sound as 'angry vagina music,' she has consistently denied that the name refers to the female genitalia. According to her, the idea for the name goes back to the classics. There is a section in Euripedes' _Medea_ where the female protagonist describes a hole going directly through to her soul. 'It's about the abyss inside,' she has always insisted, though like the author character in Dennis Potter's _Blackeyes_ who wrote a novel called _Black Bush_ and sold volumes of volumes on the sexual innuendo of the title, Courtney had definitely realized how the name could be misconstrued to her advantage." Ä Olaf Tyaransen Sunset þ Russ Costa ùúùúùúùúùúùú My tears should fall on the page but there don't seem to be any. they have all left me you see. they left soon after your final words and my last glimmer of hope. but that was then, and although I still think of you, from time to time... it is different now. The sun has risen before me. I feel its warmth and light upon me now. It has been rising, I'm sure, the whole time you've been gone. but it's amazing how blinding pain can be. The sun has risen before me. it shines the light of tomorrow and finally I can see beyond today, beyond sorrow, beyond you. The sun has risen before me. and today I will revel in it. I will let myself be happy about life, my existence, myself. and as it sets I will look back at it and admire it and know I have no regrets for you were you and I was myself for that I can not mourn. I can just look back and admire the beautiful glow of the sunset of our love. "For every ray of sunshine, there's a shadow lurking." Ä "V.C. Andrews" Sweet Masochism þ Jeff Stack ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù Whip me beat me chain me make me miss you more ahhh... sweet masochism Each night we talk on the phone and through the wire I feel the beating of your heart the quavering of your voice your want and wanton desire thrill me kill me Put me in a rubber room here I go again thrashing wildly beating slamming myself into the cold hard you-less walls like a dancer or a mime trapped in an intangible box It's heaven to have you here my stunning, strident, glowing angel But through these years I've grown accustomed to the pain of missing you I think I'm starting to like it. So whip me beat me chain me, baby make me miss you more. The End þ Teufel Hunden ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù A broken bird lies on the beach. "I hate you", she said. Feebly flapping, useless wing twisted. This is the end, all is finished. Pitifully screaming, mutely crying to the waves for mercy. I sit in a darkened room and think of my loss, Think of the days together, now gone. The smell of her hair, the feel of her skin, The warmth of her body, no longer mine to hold. The waves advance, tantilizing, closer. The bird struggles, its efforts weaken. Life waning as the tide waxes. A rope in hand, I tie a knot. The struggles fade, and finally cease. A beak opens for one final cry of defiance, Never to shut again. An eye that knew the heavens stares on them blankly. All is Finished. The Noose is made. The Rope is hung. All is Finished. The broken bird spreads its wings. And Sails Out To Sea. The Next Time þ Colby C. Enck ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù The next time I have you over to my room As I stumble into your eyes My heart will stop My mind will cease Burying my hands in your hair Bending to kiss I will be reborn The moment will pass Fears will return in strength With sounds and movements bathed in blue light The doubts will be slain And with sapphire whispers I will love you There would be a first time Before the next time I think to you Gazing at your hair which I so long to touch And your presence I so long to know The Sky Is Falling þ Twilight ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú Amidst the cold and pelting rain I reached out - I found a hand to grasp Of warmth and guidance My first-found companion In such a stone-grey foreign land Beneath the shining sun I reached out - I found a friendly smile Of comfort and good cheer A dependable leader and mentor There if I ever needed one Enclosed by a darkening presence I reached out - I found my hand grasping a gaping hole Oozing nothingness from between my fingers Stumbling furiously, I reached out - And you were gone The Spider þ Benjamin Cushman ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú You said a spider stayed the night And slept beneath your sheets - Explored your skin on tiny legs That tickled, soft as sin. You said the spider bit you, So softly, as you slept - Touched you, as a lover does, And left its venom in. You said you let the spider in Thinking it was me - Me crawling there on tiny legs; I wish I was so small. Things You Didn't Do þ Anonymous ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú Remember the day I borrowed your brand-new car and I dented it? I thought you'd kill me, but you didn't. And remember the the time I dragged you to the beach, and you said it would rain, and it did? I thought you'd say, "I told you so." But you didn't. Do you remember the time I flirted with all the guys to make you jealous, and you were? I thought you'd leave me, but you didn't. Do you remember the time I spilled strawberry pie all over your car rug? I thought you'd hit me, but you didn't. And remember the time I forgot to tell you the dance was formal and you showed up in jeans? I thought you'd drop me, but you didn't. Yes, there were lots of things you didn't do. But you put up with me, and you loved me, and you protected me. There were lots of things I wanted to make up to you when you returned from Vietnam. But you didn't... Tonight, Tonight þ Billy Corgan ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú time is never time at all you can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth and our lives are forever changed we will never be the same the more you change, the less you feel believe, believe in me, believe that life can change, that you're not stuck in vain we're not the same, we're different tonight tonight, so bright tonight and you know you're never sure but you're sure you could be right if you held yourself up to the light and the embers never fade in your city by the lake the place where you were born believe, believe in me, believe in the resolute urgency of now and if you believe there's not a chance tonight tonight, so bright tonight we'll crucify the insincere tonight we'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight we'll find a way to offer up the night otnight the indescribable moments of your life tonight the impossible is possible tonight believe in me as i believe in you, tonight "Seize the fucking time." Ä Robb Brezsny Untitled þ Gena Schwam ùúùúùúùúùúùúù A scourge, your tongue stabs into me like a mallet a soft hot wedge molten love covering me in ethereal dreams of blue mountains sliding rows of clouds up in the sky groves of autumn trees i am splayed out wicked little needles crawling over my skin your hot fingers spark-starters fever-inducers so you have me the certainty is clear laid out in glass cases my love on display an open wound trembling like a rabbit i am the innocent doe My eyes are crystals staring back at you heart thumping like a hammer smash the glass Allison to Claire: "It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it?" Claire to Allison (sneering): "What?" Allison to Claire: "Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have, you're a slut. It's a trap... Or are you a tease?" Ä _The Breakfast Club_ Wanting þ Jeff Woods ùúùúùúùúùúùú I want to not want anything air bubbles bursting inside my sullen leaves as i press myself face first beneath this grass I want to climb up and out of this but i find my fingers clenched roots holding me tightly down leaving my head to bang against this ceiling of soft damp soil I want to jump into those clouds with leaves of ruffled feathers limbs like outstretched wings but i just can't seem to climb above this grass everytime i peek up at you everytime the yearning drives me to lift my head i fear all that sound like the sky is about to fall and i dig back in deeper still staring wide-eyed at the thick air of my burrow wrapping myself in silk i wait to emerge my mind becomes a flurry of butterfly wings fluttering against the inside of my eyes. Waterfalls þ TLC ùúùúùúùúùú a lonley mother gazing out of her window staring at a son that she just can't touch if at any time he's in a jam she'll be by his side but he doesn't realize he hurts her so much but all the praying just ain't helping at all 'cause he can't seem to keep himself out of trouble so he goes out and makes money the best way he knows how another body laying cold in the gutter listen to me don't go chasing waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to i know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all but i think you're moving too fast... little precious has a natural obsession for temptation, but he just can't see she gives him loving that his body can't handle but all he can say is baby is good to me one day he goes and takes a glimpse in the mirror but he doesn't recognize his own face his health is fading and he doesn't know why three letters took him to his final resting place y'all don't hear me don't go chasing waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to i know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all but i think you're moving too fast... i've seen a rainbow yesterday but too many storms have come and gone leaving a trace of not one god-given ray is it because my life is ten shades of gray i pray all ten fade away seldom praise him for the sunny days and like his promise is true only my faith can undo the many chances i blew to bring my life to anew clear blue and unconditional skies have dried the tears from my eyes no more lonely cries my only bleeding hope is for the folk who can't cope with such an enduring pain that it keeps them in the pouring rain who's to blame for tooling 'caine in your own vein what a shame you claim the insane and name this day in time for falling prey to crime i say the system's got you victim to your own mind dreams are hopeless aspirations in hopes of coming true believe in yourself the rest is up to me and you... don't go chasing waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to i know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all but i think you're moving too fast... We Can Still Be Friends þ Rude or Obscene ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù The sunset's not the color That it used to be The fish are more exotic Swimming in your sea And now there's little room For a perch, Or carp, Or me Heaven seems even darker now My sardonic smile yields to a frown Somehow I knew you'd tire of me I should have known That I wasn't What you wanted me to be. I agree You've changed I can see it in your eyes And now you cannot hear me Regardless of my cries But our paths must cross this one last time My love for you drives me to this crime A tool of darkness in my hand I'll spill your blood upon this sand No, I don't want to know And I don't want to see Where you think you're going to go Or what you've planned for me I don't give a damn I'm certainly not afraid That they'll know who I am For tonight you'll not be saved Ah! A bloodcurdling scream! It's almost over now... A brilliant red stream Oozing from your brow But should I stab you again? The bleeding seems so slow... Yes! You must bleed quickly! For soon I'll need to go... The remnants of a lover Imprisoned in my foe Now both will understand Just how far I will go. "Women are not encouraged to scream 'Fuck you' and mean it. As someone who rarely blasts music for the pure pleasure of it, I had forgotten what a release it is to let music thrash through your system. To scream *real loud*, backed up by electric guitars and a kick-ass drummer. To feel the power of a rock star." Ä Elyse Singer, regarding Hole Where You Are Not þ Michael McNeilley ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù waiting here just past dawn perfect grey light through the northeast window I visualize you in the chair I know you would choose reclining with one leg stretched out one pulled up back arched hair flowing over the paisley print and I imagine you there by defining the space where you are not seeing you surrounded by negative space drawing you in the space that would encompass you if you were here the lights in your hair defined by threads of shadow the smell of you here in a palpable absence in chill air but it is too cold in the room where you are not and I move to warm myself again but closing the window lets you out You'll See þ Madonna ùúùúùúùúùú You think that I can't live without your love You'll see, You think I can't go on another day You think I have nothing Without you by my side, You'll see Somehow, some way You think that I can never laugh again You'll see, You think that you destroyed my faith in love You think after all you've done I'll never find my way back home, You'll see Somehow, someday All by myself I don't need anyone at all I know I'll survive I know I'll stay alive, All on my own I know I'll stay alive, All on my own I don't need anyone this time It will be mine No one can take it from me You'll see You think that you are strong, but you are weak You'll see, It takes more strength to cry, admit defeat I have truth on my side, You only have deceit You'll see, somehow, someday All by myself I don't need anyone at all I know I'll survive I know I'll stay alive, I'll stand on my own I won't need anyone this time It will be mine No one can take it from me You'll see "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger." Ä Anthrax ßÜ ÜßÜÝÜßÜ ßÜÞÜß Ü Ü Üß Ü ÜßÜ ÝÜßÜß ÜßÜßÜ ßÜßÜ ÜßÜßÞÜß ÜßÜ Ü ßÜÜßÜß ßÜßÜÜß Ü ßÜßÜÝÜßÜß ÜßÜ ßÜ ßÜ ß ßÜßÜß Üß Ü Ü ßÜÝÜß Üß ÜßÜ ßÜÜßÜßÜ Üßßß Üß Û Ü ÜßßÜÞ ÜßÜß Ü ßÜßÜÜ ßÜß Üß ßÜÜß Üß Ü ßßÜßÝßÜß ÜÜ ßÜßßÜ ß Üß ÜßßÜÜß ÜßßÜ ßÝß ÜßÜ ßÜßßÜ ß Üß ÜßßßÝÜß ÜÜßÜÞÜßÜß ÛÞßßÜ ß ß ÜÜßÜßÜß ÜßÜÞÜß ÜßÜÝßÜÜß Ü Üßßßß ßÜßÝÜßÜÜßÜß Ü Ü Ü Ü ßÜ ßÜ ßÜßßßÜÜßÝÜÛßÜßÜÜß Üß Üß Üß Ü ßÜßÜ ßÜÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜÜÛÛÛÜßßÜßÜßÜßßßÜÜß ÜßÜß ßÜßÜßÜßÜßßÜ ßÜ ßÜßÜß ß Ý ß ßÜ ßÜßÜ ßÜßÜßÜßßÜ ÜßßÜßÜ ßÜßÜ ßÜ ß Þ ß ß ß ß ß Ý Ý Þ ß ùtwiù Legalize. ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù Submit your original literary works for Spilled Ink, [volume eight], to Twilight via Internet e-mail: twilight@mail.utexas.edu ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù