From derek@teleport.com Sat Mar 26 22:20:51 EST 1994 Article: 2870 of alt.zines Path: news.cic.net!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news.intercon.com!udel!news.sprintlink.net!news.world.net!news.teleport.com!news.teleport.com!not-for-mail From: derek@teleport.com (Derek Gottfrid) Newsgroups: alt.zines Subject: NEW ZINE: SLAP #2 Date: 28 Feb 1994 23:12:53 -0800 Organization: Teleport - Portland's Public Access (503) 220-1016 Lines: 258 Message-ID: <2kuptl$s3d@elaine.teleport.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: elaine.teleport.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SLAP #2 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Letter from the Editor: This issue is late but get used to it. I am a slow person. Actually there were a series of events that prevented me from publishing this sooner. I had been watching way too much violent TV and got a little crazy. I held up a bunch of 7-11's and shot all the by-standers just for a cherry slurpy. I was arrested and acquitted of all charges on the grounds that I was a victim of Television Violence and couldn't be held responsible....Cool...I am in therapy and am on the road to recovery. After my brief time as a criminal psychopath, America plunged into a war with Japan. Okay it was only a trade war but still a war. I immediately began building a bunker and stocking it with all sorts of consumer electronics and car parts. So now from the solitude of my consumer electronic bunker, I am proud to present ......SLAP #2. I was thankful for all the mail (4 pieces) about SLAP #1. I thought maybe nobody would read it. SLAP #3 should be more exciting than ever. Look for it or mail me for a subscription. As always, I gladly accept any kind of submissions. Derek ----------------------- Dear Saiko, I need your advice. I am currently looking for a job and have had problems lately with my interviewing techniques. I was wondering if you could steer me in the right direction in terms of what to say and what not to say. Thanks and I love SLAP. Sincerely, A. Fictitious Character Dear Mr. Character: This is a problem many people have including myself. I am no expert on the subject but I would like to share some of my own experiences with you. As many of my followers might already know I have been without employment for sometime and I have a substantial amount of experience with job interviews. Since you are obviously getting interviews, I will not go into resume writing and networking. I have compiled a list of the most common interview questions asked of me and my response. The response I have given could be taken as an example of things to stay away from because I am still currently without employment. Q1. Sex: Male or Female A1.Whatever you would like me to be. I am open to anything as long as there is a good insurance plan that pays for that kind of thing. ANALYSIS: I think in this case I was too accommodating. You should be flexible but firm especially when it comes to your own gender. Q2. Why do you want this position? A1. Because the job of Pope is taken and Burger King isn't hiring right now. ANALYSIS: I avoided the question. Unless this is for a job in politics where you are showing your skill in avoiding the question, I recommend you try and answer the question truthfully. Q3. Where would you like to be in 5 years? A3. With your wife....attending your funeral. ANALYSIS: None but I know it doesn't work for some reason. Q4. Do you have any handicap that would make this job difficult? A4. Not really, I have occasional bladder control problem but I usually wear Depends. ANALYSIS: Some insecure people might feel uncomfortable talking about bladder control problems but it is not a reason to disqualify you ... unless you are applying for a lifeguard position. Q5: [Although illegal some places ask] How old are you? A5. 140 ......... in dog years. ANALYSIS: Interviewer was unfamiliar with the concept of dog years. Q6.Tell me about your last position. A6. Missionarie. ANALYSIS: Mistakenly, I thought he was referring to sex while he was really talking about my past employment. Q7. Tell me about your last job. A7. I worked with the Jehovah witnesses but I was fired because they thought I was too annoying. ANALYSIS: Stay away from discussing religion. Q8. I see you have done technical writing in the past. Have you ever tried writing any fiction? A8. Why yes, my resume for example. ANALYSIS: None Q9. Would you mind taking a drug test? A9. No, not at all, which ones would you like me to try? ANALYSIS: Answering a question with a question is not a good idea. Q10. Why should I hire you? A10. Cause you're my dad. ANALYSIS:None Well that is just a few helpful little hints I came up with. Sorry I was unable to explain the reason some of those answers failed but trust me. Good luck to everyone with their job search. Do not despair. Keep the American Dream alive .... play Lotto. --Saiko ------------------------------------------------------------- Michael Jackson Exposed With his popularity in decline and numerous questions surrounding the nature of his relations with young boys, Michael Jackson has found a new way to satisfy his appetite for little boys. SLAP has learned that MJ has been cruising the streets of LA disguised as the lovable children's TV character Barney. Michael and his entourage have been showing up at schools throughout the area pretending to be Barney. An unconfirmed report also alleges that Elizabeth Taylor has accompanied Michael on several of these excursions dressed as Ms. Piggy. On these outings Michael usually picks out one boy in particular and invites the youngster to come and see a taping of the Barney & Friends Show. On a mock studio set Barney/Michael then plays a special set of games with the boy like "Find Barney's Fossil" "Let's all be Purple" and from the popular movie "Jour Ass is my Park." All of this information was given to SLAP by Michael's sister LaToya through a psychic connection. ----------------------------------------------------- The Politics of Retribution Long after President Clinton has faded into memory and the last Kennedy has finally died off, the Pepsi generation will take over the controls of the United States. Living up to a long list of TV commercial philosophies, this generation will be young, have fun, and drink Pepsi. They will just Do It. Douglas Coupland will lay aside his literary career to lead this nation. Mr. Coupland is a Canadian but by that time America will have made Canada another state due to that fact that the US can win more Olympic medals and white people will be in short supply. With Mr. Coupland at the helm and all the original members of Nirvana serving as Supreme Court Justices, the United Sates will embark on a journey into untested waters. An entire generation will be persecuted for crimes against another generation. Let us look at the crimes of those who came of age in the 60's. These crimes are not only limited to the 60's but the 60's merely lay the ground work for the future crimes they would commit. The 60's generation were the most hedonistic and self-consumed of any in the history of America. A quick review of things then vs. now. THEN NOW Sex AIDS Drugs Just Say No Rock -n-Roll Bad Classic Rock Station everywhere and stupid reunion tours Marriage prevalent No faith in marriage Two parent families One parent family Birth Control Pills All types of strange ways to procreate Quality Education 2-hour training video for McDonald's employee Civil Rights Movement LA Riots Watergate Iran-Contra // Savings and Loan Vietnam Gulf -War (the Pepsi Generation knows how to kick ass) That was a quick review of the 60's generation but they continued their hedonistic behavior right on up to the present. The seventies saw the Sexual Revolution and in the Eighties they finally figured out money and became obsessed. They sold a generation into poverty with the help of President Gipper. The case can be well made that this generation has little redeeming value. Somewhere either in History class or Jeopardy they told us that those that did not learn history were doomed to repeat it. The Pepsi Generation will not stand for any kind of repetition and therefore have decided to make an example of the 60's generation. Mr. Coupland with the help of some sick minded individual will institute a policy of total oppression. On this issue Mr. Coupland makes Hitler look like Barney. There will be a rounding up of all AARP members and confiscation of property. They will be loaded up and moved out of their retirement communities and relocated to converted suburban malls across the country to serve out there life sentences. The most popular TV shows will be game shows in which contestants get to torture the criminals in a variety of amusing ways. All production of bladder control diapers will be ceased. All their expensive cars will be reassigned to more youthful citizens who have suffered. Any older person indulging themselves with a Mazda Miata will be excited immediately. No elderly people may possess any type of sport vehicle. Social Security will be disbanded. There will be no senior citizen discounts on anything. Politicians will not cater to the interest of the elderly because they will no longer have the right to vote. All those people who said they didn't care about debt and that it would be someone else's problems will be sold into slavery to the Japanese in an attempt to repay the national debt. These are the policies of the new generation. The Pepsi Generation will institute retribution. It is inevitable when the 60's generation get old, the Pepsi Generation will come in and kick their ass! ----------------------------------------- IN THE INTEREST OF DECENCY: Please, Help SLAP raise enough money to counter offer Playboy's offer to Tonya Harding for a series of nude photos. Our goal is to secure enough funds to outbid Playboy's offer of $250,000 and sign Tonya to a lifetime contract that forbids her from ever disrobing for any publication. I hope you will support our efforts. ------------------------------------------------------ VanRant's You know, I'm encouraged by the fact that Hillary and Chelsea got to go to the Olympics, see the opening ceremonies, enjoy some hockey, and meet some nice athletes all on my fucking dime, while I sat my fat ass on the couch eating Burger King. I'd like to go to the Olympics, but I can't afford to. Takes too much time and too much money. Apparently when someone else is paying (read as you and me, suckers) it's pretty easy to go. And all this for a little PR and Hillary gets interviewed by David fucking Letterman's mother. Invites her to the White House and her son too(Guess who's paying?). We all know what policy gurus the mother and son Letterman team are. Maybe they'll help with the health care thing and have some advice on the Bosnia situation. Hillary in Norway advancing the agenda of this great nation. Great. Hope y'all had a good time. I'm sure Chelsea did a lot for the United States there in Norway. What about Socks? How about taking me along next time, you know, the guy that's paying for it? At the same time Bill is taking a little time off in his home state offering to give supporters, especially the female ones, a ride on Air Force "6", if you know what I mean. What the hell is wrong with this country? -HL