R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH! Volume 0 Number B August 1993 A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world. Editor: Dave Bealer Member of the Digital Publishing Association Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: About Vaporware Communications.....................................01 Editorial - The Joke's On Me.......................................01 Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02 Memories of a DP Major.............................................02 System Design 101..................................................04 Product Liability Suit.............................................06 The Twit Filter: The Star Gazer....................................10 Reality Check......................................................10 RAH Humor Review: Robin Hood: Men in Tights........................11 Announcements......................................................12 Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................13 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2 Random Access Humor Page 1 August 1993 About Vaporware Communications VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR VaporWare Corporate Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. V.P., Research & Development --------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - The Joke's On Me by Dave Bealer Back in June I wrote a little piece about how constant CRT use can ruin your eyes. I even ended the piece with a crack about "my rapidly failing eyesight." Although I knew that my eyesight really is getting worse (it goes along with being human), I never realized how close it actually was to succumbing to my near-constant computer use. For more than ten years I've been working with mainframe computers, first in college and then for a living. Since 1986 I've added to the strain by fooling with personal computers at home almost every night. For the last year, the at-home use has been really intense as I bang out an issue of RAH each month. Something had to give sooner or later...it turned out to be sooner. During the week of July 12th I began to experience sore eyes and headaches near the end of my shift at work. An eye exam that Saturday (my first since the 1970s) showed only mild astigmatism. Astigmatism is really nothing to worry about, it merely means that my eyes are misshapen. Instead of their normal spherical shape, my eyes now look like a pair of pears. Red pears at that, probably Bartlett. The only good news was that my distance vision is still reasonably good. The exam resulted in a prescription for reading glasses. Oh, joy! So here I am, one of the clumsiest human beings ever to stumble around the planet, wearing a very expensive and fragile collection of wire and finely ground, UV coated, scratch resistant plastic. This will last. Sure. I hear they've started a pool at work to guess how long it will be until I sit-on, lose, or otherwise destroy these silly things. Nobody took a date more than a month away. {RAH} Random Access Humor Page 2 August 1993 Lettuce to the Editor Dear Techno-Imperialist Pig, Your ineffective government is a disgrace before all other nations. It will be destroyed from within, a victim of its own corruption. The American people are weak and their government is their greatest shame. S.H. (adolf2%behind.the.third.bomb.crater@baghdad.iraq) - - - - - - - - - Dear S, I'm not sure about the rest of your little tirade, but our government is definitely NOT our greatest shame. That honor is currently held by newly crowned Wimbledon Champion Pete Sampras. Has anyone else noticed that Pete looks like a dog lolling his tongue and panting after every point in every match he plays? No wonder people around the world think Americans are rude. We can only hope he's house broken. - DB {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Memories of a DP Major by Dave Bealer Many of the senior people in the data processing field today do not have a Computer Science/Data Processing degree. There is a perfectly good explanation for this, of course. When they were in college there was *no such thing* as a DP degree. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, mind you. One of the most talented systems programmers I've ever known has a bachelors degree in music performance (piano) and a masters degree in education. She taught music in public school before going into computers. This is quite believable, since she still brings the same stentorian presence to any room she enters. I do feel sorry for the folks who didn't major in DP; they missed out on some interesting times. I received a Bachelor of Business Administration degree in 1985 from a large public university in the eastern United States. Said school shall remain nameless since I'm not done paying for the degree and I don't want them trying to repossess my education. Anyway, the major was called Computer Applications, but was promptly changed to the sensible name of Management Information Systems right after they printed my degree. The original plan was to major in computer science, but my allergic reaction to calculus quickly torpedoed that notion. Mathematicians love to throw around strange Greek letters and call them scientific. There are two problems here. One, the mathematicians don't REALLY know what all those Greek letters mean either. Two, only those programmers/analysts working on actual scientific/engineering projects actually need all that math. The rest of us are better served by knowing how to do basic arithmetic in hexadecimal. Folks who can't even handle that often become doctors, the morally bankrupt ones become lawyers, and the totally illiterate ones usually become PC software documentation writers. Random Access Humor Page 3 August 1993 My degree program, being business oriented, required two semesters of COBOL programming for graduation. Now I was raised on structured programming techniques, with Pascal as my first computer language. Trying to learn COBOL effected my brain much like shifting into reverse at 220 miles per hour on the back straight at Indianapolis effects the car. I remain convinced to this day that COBOL is really a long term terrorist plot to undermine the efficiency of programming teams everywhere. More than half of our DP/CS professors were from countries other than the United States. This was culturally enlightening, but many of these folks had evidently failed their "English as a Second Language" courses. The really strange thing about the non-native instructors was the inverse relationship between their English speaking ability and their technical ability/attitude towards the students. The profs with good English skills often seemed as lazy and incompetent as the worst of their American colleagues. The instructors with a limited mastery of English were mostly eager and knowledgeable, which made their impaired ability to get the information across doubly frustrating, both for them and the students. A great example of this phenomenon was a pair of professors from the same country in the Middle East. We'll call them Prof. A and Prof. B for the purposes of this study. Prof. A had an excellent command of the English language, as well as several others. He also had a lousy attitude towards the students. He wasn't very helpful to students who desperately needed help. He was too busy promoting himself to anyone who could conceivably do his career some good. Students didn't fall into that category, so they were mostly ignored. This man was almost always three to five minutes late for classes, which were an interruption of his self-promotional activities. The really galling thing was the fact that this character had the nerve to state in a local newspaper interview that American students were, "lazy and always late for class." It's a good thing I wasn't in the same room with him when I read that interview, or I'd be writing this article in prison. BTW, I'm convinced that the fact that Professor A was my instructor for both semesters of torture, er, COBOL has absolutely nothing to do with my low opinion of him. Professor B had a great deal of trouble with English. This didn't stop him from teaching such topics as IBM 370 Assembler Language. He simply kept coming up with new ways of trying to get the concept across until at least a few of us figured it out. Anyone who has studied assembler can verify that not everyone gets through such a class no matter how good the instructor is, or how many times he goes over the material. I now work in a monster mainframe installation where the disk storage is measured by the terabyte and folks have been known to get lost for weeks in the DASD farm. Today my average dataset takes two cylinders of 3390 cache subsystem. And we're talking source code and JCL, not data. In college we only had 10 tracks of 3350 storage for each computer course we were taking. Some desperate students tried to make paper tape storage out of old pizza boxes. In one course we were even forced to keypunch our programs on cards. Yuck! Random Access Humor Page 4 August 1993 Well, I'm almost recovered from my experiences at "Old State". I still wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night sometimes, wondering how I can possibly complete the thirty major papers, programs and miscellaneous assignments due before the term ends next week. Of course once the realization hits home that it was only a dream, that I only have to get up and go to work tomorrow, the relief is overwhelming. {RAH} -------------- Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129 Internet: dbealer@access.digex.net --------------------------------------------------------------------- System Design 101 by Greg Borek If automobiles were manufactured the same way programs are... Team Leader (TL): OK, what have we got? Programmer (P): Well, we drove the new release out of the factory and it didn't catch fire, ...well, within the first 3 miles anyway. I think we may be onto a winner here. TL: Excellent! Does the car perform the way the customer wants? P: Sort of. The customer asked for a car that can cruise at highway speeds, and our new release can attain speeds of nearly 75 mph, ...um, under certain conditions. TL: What conditions do you mean, besides obvious ones like going down a steep hill? P: As long as there is not too much fuel in the tank and no one is actually in the car at the time, we can attain some really good speeds. Passengers particularly tend to degrade the performance. TL: Not allowing passengers in a car may inconvenience the user. How much is the performance degraded by a passenger? P: One passenger chopped the speed down to 8 mph. I'm sure the customer can adapt his highway driving to accommodate this slight restriction. I'm absolutely sure he won't mind when he gets a load of all of the fancy features included in this new release. TL: You did remember to adequately document these alleged features in the owner's manual, I hope? It was sort of embarrassing the number of support calls we got about people not knowing they had to start the car by putting the key in the trunk lock. Random Access Humor Page 5 August 1993 P: All of the features are very clearly and simply explained. That guy we hired that used to write tax booklets for the IRS can sure churn out manuals. Especially the twelve chapters devoted to the air conditioner. We felt that it was necessary to go into some detail about the air conditioner. TL: Why so many chapters about the air conditioner? P: The user wanted a really powerful air conditioner, and, well, the boys down in the design department got a little carried away. The car doesn't so much have an air conditioner as a refrigeration unit. TL: Doesn't that degrade the engine performance? P: We were worried about that too until one of the brainboxes came up with the idea of "overlaying" the engine. For the mere cost of half of the passenger compartment we swap the pieces of the engine between the engine and passenger compartments. Only the pieces of the engine that are currently in use are under the hood. We really feel this was the most clever way to provide all of the required features while reducing the overall size of the vehicle. TL: Even so the thing is a bit large. I seem to remember the target size of the vehicle being about that of a 2 seater, wasn't it? To the casual observer, our vehicle looks kind of like an Essex-class aircraft carrier. P: I know, and down in the design department we are kind of embarrassed. We really wanted to make sure we included all of the neat features we had been working on. TL: Did the user ask for all of these features? P: Well, not all of them, but they are all really neat... and he probably will once he sees what we've included. I mean, the rocket launchers alone may prove invaluable during his commute to work. TL: That's true, but what about the gas milage? P: We came close to what the user asked for, provided he's not too finicky and does not know basic math. If you look off the stern you can see the tractor semi-trailer tanker truck that must be connected to the car at all times. We are going to recommend prepositioning the tanker trucks at every exit on the interstate. TL: You know, all in all we made it a pretty lousy sports car. At least we can take solace in the fact we met the government standards for a sports car. Good job. {RAH} -------------- Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org Random Access Humor Page 6 August 1993 Product Liability Suit author unknown {Ed. note: This little ditty has been floating around the humor conferences lately. It's a real scream for Looney Tunes fans. The copy obtained had gaps in the text, which have been filled in by the editor, who is *not* a lawyer. } In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff -v.- Acme Company, Defendant Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hearby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in the profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation. Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifteen feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was Random Access Humor Page 7 August 1993 pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poor design and engineering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent steering system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled led it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa. Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernst Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette. Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalog and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalog #78 climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate. In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote: Random Access Humor Page 8 August 1993 1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle. 2. Sooty discoloration. 3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise. 4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration. 5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring. We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for this product`s sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium. To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote`s prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in the air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities. The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. Random Access Humor Page 9 August 1993 The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz, flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues-- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life. As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred- foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again. Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- -=* Advertisement *=- Uncle Lou's FAT Farm "We take the FAT out of your hard disk!" Uncle Lou's FAT Farm uses no harmful drugs or crazy, "fad" diets. Our exclusive Aerobics/2 (tm) process will forever remove that ugly FAT from you hard disk and replace it with our low cost, low fat, proprietary, legendary Data Archival Facility Technique (DAFT). Call Uncle Lou's today and get rid of your unwanted FAT! Call 1-800-555-DAFT Uncle Lou's FAT Farm, Armonk, NY. "Just South of the Catskills" Random Access Humor Page 10 August 1993 The Twit Filter: The Star Gazer by Dave Bealer One of the main functions of online conferences is passing on information - teaching and learning, if you will. Most large regional, national or international conferences have people resources capable of answering almost any technical question, no matter how basic or advanced. The problem is that some folks will spend an inordinate amount of time inspecting the dental work of any horse, even a gift one. Star Gazers are a particular species of twit who will accept information and advice only from acceptable sources, such sources being world renown in the field in question. These are the kind of folks who would only accept beginning guitar lessons from Eric Clapton or Pete Townshend. They can't accept the fact that only people like can Pete Townshend can get guitar lessons from people like Eric Clapton. Whether it's horror writing lessons from Steven King or cannibalism tips from Jeffrey Dahmer, star gazers will accept only the very best. Never mind that dude down the street who has been feeding his family by teaching the art/craft/science professionally for twenty years. His advice is obviously no good since he never had a number one bestseller or a chart-topping single. Given this attitude, it's no wonder that star gazers almost never achieve the stardom they so desperately seek. Don't concern yourself too much with star gazers, they will soon become disenchanted with the non-achievers in your conference and go their less-than-merry way. If you tire of their bombastic behavior before they tire of your group, simply place the star gazers in your twit filter. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Reality Check by Raymond Koziel The following survey was published in the June 7th edition of Computerworld. 1,977 people were asked what items were considered necessities. The following is the breakdown of the replies: Automobiles............85% Clothes washer.........82% Television.............74% Home air-conditioning..47% Microwave oven.........44% Car air-conditioning...42% *Office computer........36% Second automobile......27% Dish washer............24% Office fax machine.....23% VCR....................18% *Home computer..........11% Cellular phone..........5% Random Access Humor Page 11 August 1993 Only 36% felt the office computer is a necessity and only 11% felt a home computer is a necessity! Well at least the office computer ranked above the dish washer and fax machine. {RAH} -------------- Ray Koziel is a systems programmer (C++ and Pascal) for Blue Cross Blue Shield of IL's EMC-Net, a private bulletin board used for electronic submission of insurance claims. Living in Chicago with a wife, a new baby boy and two dogs, Ray has found RAH helpful in keeping his insanity. FidoNet: 1:115/542 (The Loonatic Fringe BBS) --------------------------------------------------------------------- RAH Humor Review: Robin Hood: Men in Tights by Dave Bealer Scene 1: (Whitehall, Pennsylvania - Summer 1974) A pair of high school chess nerds go to the West End Drive-In Theater to see _The Thief Who Came to Dinner_, which was supposed to have chess woven into the plot. A powerful thunder storm keeps them from seeing that film. Their disappointment was considerably reduced by the fact that they had thoroughly enjoyed the second feature, which was shown first as per the custom of the time. That second feature was _Blazing Saddles_, the hilarious sendup of Western movies by the incomparable Mel Brooks. Scene 2: (Kansas City, Missouri - Summer 1987) One of those chess nerds grew up to be a computer nerd and would-be humorist. Thirteen years later I have yet to see the entire movie, _The Thief Who Came to Dinner_, although I have seen the last few minutes of it on television. Conversely, I have seen _Blazing Saddles_ dozens of times and enjoyed it immensely each time. The good news is that I only suffered from an oxygen-deprivation headache from laughing too hard that first time I saw it. Oddly, Mel Brooks hit his peak in 1974, the year both his best films (_Blazing Saddles_ and _Young Frankenstein_) were released. Although his films since then are well worth seeing (especially _History of the World - Part I_), he never again achieved the inspired lunacy of his two masterworks. Hope springs eternal, of course, especially among the fans of great artists. We may know that our hero is past his prime, but we keep supporting his new stuff anyway in the hope that he may yet find a way to reach new heights. So one hot Friday afternoon I ventured into the Crown Center Mall and caught a matinee of _Spaceballs_. Why not? I can never sleep in the afternoon before an overnight software install, especially while on the road. _Spaceballs_ was definitely not a new height. In fact I was quite disappointed with that movie after that first screening. The movie has since grown on me (like a tumor) despite the presence of Rick Moranis, one of my least favorite comedy actors. Random Access Humor Page 12 August 1993 Scene 3: (Pasadena, Maryland - Summer 1993) The would-be humorist is now a practicing amateur humorist with an international (and completely demented) following. He decides it would be interesting to provide a review of a comedy movie before the movie closes in first-run theaters. Selecting the latest work by his hero, Mel Brooks, our hero ventures into Marley Station Mall to catch a matinee of _Robin Hood: Men in Tights_. This movie is a parody of the Robin Hood movies, which are sort of a genre all to themselves. The principal target is Kevin Costner's recent rendition, which desperately wanted lampooning in any case. The opening is great, and will be especially appreciated by anyone who ever wanted to hear the phrase "Hey Nonny, Nonny" in a rap song. Cary Elwes does a creditable job as Robin Hood, but his performance is just a pale reflection of his work in _The Princess Bride_. He seems to do better with subtle humor, which is not a likely part of a Mel Brooks movie. Richard Lewis portrays a neurotic Prince John, typecasting if ever there was such a thing. My first impression is that this guy does not have a big future as an actor. Mel Brooks is a scream as Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and circumcisions. Dom DeLuise has a riotous cameo as Don Giovani, the godfather associate of the Sheriff of Rottingham. Of the newcomers in the cast, the most energetic is Dave Chappelle as Ahchoo, Robin's Moorish companion and martial arts partner. Mark Blankfield has a hilarious turn as Blinkin, Robin's blind servant. If you want to know the identity of the world famous English actor who takes the de rigueur cameo as King Richard, you'll just have to go see the movie. _Blazing Saddles_ it isn't, but it sure beats _Spaceballs_. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Announcements and Observations Internet users may now obtain uncompressed text versions of each RAH issue via FTP from: etext.archive.umich.edu dir: pub/Zines/RAH This site replaces the "uglymouse" server which previously held the RAH issues, and is being phased out by the University of Michigan. We're still seeking a non-commercial anonymous FTP site to carry the RAH issues in compressed ZIP format. Please contact the editor. - - - In the finest tradition of vaporware, the "Best of RAH" hypertext book promised for September release has been delayed until next year. Excuses, er, the rationale behind the delay will be explained in next month's issue. Send all complaints to bitbucket@null. Random Access Humor Page 13 August 1993 **CAPITAL Punishment** -- The 05/17/93 issue of InformationWeek reported on news stories from China (that great hotbed of human rights) about a computer hacker being executed for defrauding the Agricultural Bank of China of about $200,000. The news reports said that Shi Biao was executed as a warning to others contemplating computer crime. Potential virus authors who plan to vacation in China should consider these consequences, given the ease with which computer viruses travel. - - - The Puffin's Nest BBS, the online home of Random Access Humor, switched to a US Robotics HST/Dual Standard modem on July 24, 1993. The new modem is capable of 1200-14400 bps in V.32bis mode and 1200- 16800 bps in HST mode. The phone number is still: 1-410-437-3463. - - - The RAH distributor family continues to grow in a most unlikely fashion. This month we picked up sites in the astoundingly similar countries of Iceland and Saudi Arabia. - - - The deadline for submissions, letters, etc. for inclusion in the First Anniversary issue (09/93) of RAH is August 14, 1993. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Taglines Seen Around the Nets Why can't women leave the lid up? Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! But what if I'm a figment of MY imagination? In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death. Liberal tagline: friends don't let friends make up their own mind. Alimony is having to say you're sorry once a month. Preserve wildlife...pickle a squirrel. I want to live with a synonym girl. Wheaties and beer: the Breakfast of ex-champions. Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington, D.C. If sanity were dollars I'd be bankrupt. May your Gakh never wonder off your plate. McBorg's -- over half a billion assimilated. I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be... ooooohh, doughnuts! They say give your money to God, but they give you THEIR address. Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode. Random Access Humor Page 14 August 1993 I think, therefore I am overqualified. Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries. Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people. Radioactive halibut will make fission chips. Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you're upside down! He's dead? I thought he was imitating Al Gore. Dawn crept across the lawn, searching for her car keys. Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste. Support mental health, or I'll kill you! Help Stamp Out Intolerance! I'm not FOR apathy, and I'm not AGAINST it. Save the Chocolate Moose! Archaeologists will date any old thing. I brake for brick walls. Fight organized crime, stamp out the IRS! Eschew obfuscation I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention! Honest, officer! The dwarf was on fire when I got here. I hate taglines. It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta pawn it off on someone else. Ah know what a bagel is, but what kind of dog is a lox? My life is not organized around high probability events. We will, we will, Pun you! Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence. I may not be right, but I'm never wrong! Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Be consistent - but don't do it all the time. Random Access Humor Page 15 August 1993 This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene. Managing programmers is like herding cats. I'm positively enameled with this subject. Minding your own business will not be tolerated. Rabbits reproduce like taglines. Zen Druidry: transcendental vegetation. "Dr. Scott!" "Janet!" "Brad!" "Rocky!" "YO ADRIAN!" Hi, my name is John, and I'm a closet lurker. From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.* Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet! Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser. The seabird hater left no tern unstoned. Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them. Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats. I think, therefore I am... dangerous. Nice computers don't go down. If you take the plunge, return it by Tuesday. People have one thing in common, they're all different. Geometry: what the acorn said after it grew up. Cogito, ergo Hormel - I think, therefore I Spam. I'm having an out-of-money experience. Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a tagline writer. The only wormhole I've seen went through an apple. I'm not short and heavy, I'm just traveling near the speed of light. Random Access Humor Page A-1 August 1993 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer Contributing Editors: Greg Borek, Ray Koziel Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-14400/V.32bis) Internet: dbealer@access.digex.net greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the publisher. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette, CD-ROM or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed in combination with any other publication or product. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS. Internet users may obtain RAH issues via anonymous FTP from : etext.archive.umich.edu Directory: pub/Zines/RAH Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via Internet to: dbealer@access.digex.net Random Access Humor Page A-2 August 1993 Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail messages. It will not be possible to make private responses to any submissions or correspondence received. The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication, so keep it (mostly) clean. RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication: 1) Any material in the public domain. 2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder. 3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder. In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material, and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of previous publication. RAH Distribution System: (Sites bearing the designation will accept your contributions and forward them to the editors.) (All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.) The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual) SailNet> 53:5000/1129 Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP (RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue) Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP (RAH9302R.ZIP and later only) Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST Random Access Humor Page A-3 August 1993 RAH Gateway Systems: Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis) RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1 007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis) W-Net_fts> 66:636/1 CrossNet> 73:400/0 SOGNet> 91:91/2 H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis) RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1 DoorNet> 75:7918/205 The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis) ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200 MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis) PodsNet> 93:9600/2 Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis) VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102 Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis) Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2 SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2655079 14400 (V.32bis) GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5 The Vision BBS Keflavik, Iceland Sysop: Jon Karlsson FidoNet> 2:391/20 354-2-14626 14400 (V.32bis) IceInet> 354:2/10 RAH Official Distribution Sites: -= AUSTRALIA =- Victoria The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis -= CANADA =- Ontario Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 1-613-545-9148 V.32bis ICELAND The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis Random Access Humor Page A-4 August 1993 -= NETHERLANDS =- BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 V.32bis Midkemia BBS Denhaag (NoFido) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis -= SAUDI ARABIA =- MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis -= SLOVENIA =- R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis -= TURKEY =- SoftCom Online Istanbul 2:430/1 90-1-2655079 V.32bis -= UNITED STATES =- Alabama J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis California InfoMat BBS San Clemente (NoFido) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32 Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual Connecticut ModemNews Express Stamford (NoFido) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis Florida The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis Flamingo Ventures Pensacola 1:3612/320 (904) 478-7716 V.32bis Hawaii Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual Idaho Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis Illinois The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32 Indiana Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual Maryland Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32 The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (NoFido) (410) 766-9756 2400 The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual Random Access Humor Page A-5 August 1993 Michigan CALnet @node.1 Detroit 1:2410/120 (313) 836-8275 V.32 007LZ Southfield 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 V.32bis Mississippi Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis Missouri Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis New Mexico High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32 Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 HST New York The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual Ohio Village Online Yellow Springs 1:110/210 (513) 767-7896 V.32bis Oklahoma H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis Oregon Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32 Pennsylvania Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual Texas Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (NoFido) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual Utah Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis Virginia Pen & Brush Alexandria (NoFido) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32 Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual Washington Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis Wisconsin The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis