R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH! Volume 0 Number A July 1993 A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world. Editor: Dave Bealer Member of the Digital Publishing Association Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: About Vaporware Communications.....................................01 Editorial - Desperately Seeking Boredom............................01 Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02 Electronic Tower of Babel..........................................03 Things That Go Bump in the Hard Drive..............................05 The Truth Behind MTBF..............................................07 DaffyNitions (M-Z).................................................07 RAH Humor Review: Usenet alt.comedy.british Newsgroup..............11 Announcements......................................................12 Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................13 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2 Random Access Humor Page 1 July 1993 About Vaporware Communications VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR VaporWare Corporate Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. V.P., Research & Development --------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - Desperately Seeking Boredom by Dave Bealer It's been an interesting summer so far here in Pasadena. I blew out a tire at high speed on the Baltimore Beltway (an amateur demolition derby venue that surrounds the city) but somehow managed to avoid death and/or dismemberment. The tire blew when I ran over a kitchen sink that someone had carelessly left lying in the middle of the fast lane. All right, it wasn't REALLY a kitchen sink, but it sure looked like one during the split second I had to try and avoid running over the stupid thing. Actually both tires on the passenger side were damaged beyond repair, but the front one managed to hold up while I limped the car to a tire store. Fortunately the trip to the tire store was only a few miles since my car has one of those tiny spare tires meant for a go-cart. The fact that this incident occurred on the first day of my vacation should have warned me that I was in for a bad time this summer. Actually, when the kitchen sink hurled itself in front of my car I was on my way back to Pennsylvania to visit Uncle Fred for the last time. I did finally get to see him a couple of days later, just two weeks before he died. Uncle Fred was a funny man. Not in the way a Dave Barry or Steven Wright is funny, but he was always ready with a clever comment. Fred was a mechanic and a card player whose special love was pinochle. Greg Borek and I both consider him our favorite six-handed partner. The extra limbs came in especially handy when dealing. Fred was a good man...the world could use more like him. Greg Borek swam across the Chesapeake Bay on June 13th. Greg denies that it had anything to do with the fact that Vinnie was chasing him at the time. Greg wasn't sure that he would have an article ready for this month's issue. We'll have to see just how persuasive Vinnie can be. Random Access Humor Page 2 July 1993 Considering the recent flap over syringes in soda cans I'm hesitant to report my next near mishap, but it really happened. Two co- workers and I were having a luncheon buffet at work consisting of some Chinese carry-out food when I bit into a piece of glass. The glass in question was 5/8" long, about 1/4" wide at the widest point, and 3/32" thick, a piece of green bottle glass. The odd thing about it was that the glass was hidden inside the stem of a green onion (also known as a scallion). The odds against a piece of glass accidentally becoming lodged in the stem of a scallion in this fashion are very high. Fortunately I bit into the glass on the flat side and was not injured, although my molar left a mark in the glass. Needless to say my co-workers and I were quite unhappy that night since none of us were sure if we had ingested any glass. We were lucky as it turns out. The owner of the restaurant merely gave us our money back, and denies that the glass came from his place. We'll just see what the County Health Department has to say about this. As for me, I'm considering relocating to someplace safe, like downtown Detroit. Yep. Things sure have been interesting, like in that ancient Chinese curse: "May you live in interesting times." --------------------------------------------------------------------- >>>> Lettuce to the Editor <<<< Dear Dave, Ever since reading my first copy of RAH (Volume 0 Number 3) I have also been able to keep my insanity only by reading every single word in each month's issue of RAH. I have tried to get a RAH cult together, but nobody would give me enough money to buy that faster modem I was going to use to download RAH quicker each month. Also, please don't make that cool hypertext annual edition of RAH (in September) that you mentioned in the last (June) issue commercial software, especially $9999.99. Make it freeware, otherwise I will stand outside VaporWare HQ with a giant picket sign saying 'No Grapes'. Keep on RAHing! Mike Russo (mike.russo@cdreams.com) - - - - - - Thanks for the confused words, Mike. I can assure you that no grapes, Chilean or otherwise, are used in the production of RAH. Vinnie's hamsters may eat grapes from time to time, but that shouldn't matter to any of our readers. As far as the annual edition is concerned, it will definitely be a commercial product. It will probably fall in the low end of the price range mentioned last month, however. The monthly issues of RAH are and will remain freeware. Where else can you get humor of this quality for nothing? If annual edition sales warrant, next year we will start producing RAH t-shirts, hats, hamster cages, toilet paper, curtains, bed sheets, etc. DB {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Help Wanted - Food Taster. Must like spicy Chinese food and be willing to work odd hours. Call (410) 555-OUCH Random Access Humor Page 3 July 1993 Electronic Tower of Babel by Dave Bealer Most newcomers to the BBS hobby are stunned by the bewildering variety of BBS software packages they must contend with. Commands and screens are different for each package, and sometimes for different versions of the same package. This guide is intended to provide some basic information about each major software package in use on bulletin boards today. Mailer software: These packages are known as "front-end" mailers, because they are the software that actually answers incoming calls. The mailer then determines whether the call is a network mail call or a human caller for the BBS. They do this by taking the pulse of the incoming caller. Since other mailers are not alive, they have no pulse. BinkleyTerminator - Freeware that gets the job done brutally and efficiently. It will always be back. DoorBell V2.10 NC (Non-contributing) - Users of this version aren't helping to make the payments on the author's Porsche. D'Plane! - Mailer written by a midget (like a fantasy come true). HostFink - Snooping mailer used by the bosses of the CRIME network to maintain absolute control over their members. BBS Software: This is the software that allows the caller to actually download files, enter doors, download files, read messages, download files, read bulletins (ha!), download files, enter messages or download files. BTBBS (Bigger Than a BreadBox System) - A system that keeps you guessing. The Kernel BBS - Stiff, proper and formal. A thoroughly professional package. PC Bored - Not what you think: politically correct BBS software. Mountain Goat - A sure-footed and surprisingly agile system. Parrot - Polly wanna chat? Kitchen Sink Net - A new entry that comes with everything. No utilities needed. Random Access Humor Page 4 July 1993 Flashlight - A truly portable, illuminating package. Batteries not included. Asgard - The final destination system for all true BBS warriors. Sopwith Camel - Recent versions have had some trouble with looping. But, all in all, a sturdy system. Minimal - Functionality is the name of the game for this no-frills package. ABCBBS - Written in BASIC, one of the first Freeware BBS packages. This is the "see Spot run" of BBS software packages. CD-ROM Glom - Avoids all pretense of offering features other than file downloading. Works directly with most popular CD-ROM collections. BBS Utilities: Features are often added to BBS software packages in a haphazard fashion when they are added at all. Enterprising sysop/programmers often cook up their own utilities to add some desired function. Many of these features are eventually added to the core BBS software, but others are not. BBS Utilities can be divided into two major categories: those written to work with a specific type of BBS software, and those written to work with almost any BBS package. The sheer volume and variety of BBS utilities makes it impossible to adequately cover the field with anything less than a book length work. Nevertheless, a brief sample of the utilities available is presented here for your confusion. Attack of the Alien Zombie Vampires - A Game door. This particular game involves defending the planet against some un-ET-like visitors from an extremely violent galaxy. We're talking a galaxy that is more violent that downtown Beirut, but not quite as violent as downtown Washington, DC. Most of the game seems to consist of watching the bad guys tear the heads off of humans in slow motion, all vividly depicted in your choice of RIP or NAPLPS graphics. Download Counters - These utilities allow fad conscious users to only download those files that are very popular. These utilities maintain the count for each file and insert the count somewhere in the file description. Some BBS packages already provide these counters as a standard feature, but a few of those need extra help to handle those 7 digit counts that are becoming commonplace on the larger (2 or more line) boards. Random Access Humor Page 5 July 1993 Last National Time Bank - Allows users to save access time not used today against the day they want to spend six straight hours playing "Attack of the Alien Zombie Vampires" or reading _War and Peace_ online. User Record Twaddler - This is a behind-the-scenes utility used by the sysop to perform such useful feats as twitting every user whose last name begins with "Q" on a daily basis. This product represents a whole class of utilities which allow sysops to automatically slice, dice, and make julienne fries out of user records, file areas, message bases, individual files and messages on the system, that new users' first born child, and other important system resources. If you are a new BBS user and reading this article has left you more confused than ever, fear not. Sysops are only slightly more aware of how their systems work than you are. {RAH} -------------- Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129 Internet: dbealer@access.digex.net --------------------------------------------------------------------- Things That Go Bump in the Hard Drive by Ray Koziel Man has been trying to prove the existence of ghosts and spirits for generations. In this attempt to prove their existence, various classifications have been made. An example is "poltergeist", which classifies ghosts that tend to be mischievous and playful. Recently there appeared a new category of ghosts - "cybergeists." These are ghosts which inhabit computers and are able to somehow communicate with them directly. The first reports of a cybergeist comes from Paris, France. An accountant by the name of Jean-Claude Beaubien believes his computer is inhabited by the ghost of Napoleon. "I recall my first encounter quite well," Jean-Claude explains. "I like to play chess, so at work I have a PC version of a chess game that I play on break. One day I was playing the game and was getting frustrated because I could not beat the computer. Then, right before my eyes, one of the pieces moved without me touching the keyboard! I was amazed! It was that move that showed me what I needed to do and I eventually won the game. Since then I've had similar help with my games and I began to realize that this could not be a virus - there was some kind of entity inside my PC! One day I tried asking him what his name was and the word 'Napoleon' appeared on the screen. With the skill and strategy he displays while playing chess I feel this ghost must be the spirit of Napoleon Bonaparte himself!" Random Access Humor Page 6 July 1993 Another report of cybergeist activity comes from Susan Gudenbed, a secretary in New York City. "I've always been one to run a tight ship. I don't like letting files clutter around so as soon as I feel I'm finished with something I delete it off my PC. I can't stand having all these files taking up space on my disk drive. About a month ago I erased a bunch of files pertaining to a proposal my boss was working on. The proposal never fell through so I felt I could get rid of the data. The next morning I came into work and all the files were back on my PC! My first idea was I thought I erased them but actually forgot to so I just deleted them again. The next morning the same thing happened! I thought I was beginning to loose my mind! But that same day my boss rushed up to me asking for the data in those files. It appears the other party had second thoughts on the proposal and wanted to look at the figures again. There must have been something in my PC which somehow kept me from completely deleting those files as it knew I would need them. Now I am convinced that some sort of spirit exists in my PC because it has helped me many times recovering files I thought had been lost." It appears that not all cybergeists have good intentions. There have also been reports about PCs suffering from the worst disk crashes and program anomalies yet there were no viruses or hardware problems detected. It could only mean the existence of cybergeists. Ronald Wizzbanger, expert in the study of ghost and paranormal activities, shares his views about the existence of cybergeists. "The possibility of the existence of ectocyber-activity is phenomenal! If ghosts are able to inhabit and haunt houses and such, why not a computer? This could be the lead we've been waiting for in advancing artificial intelligence by studying how spirits can interface with the circuitry of a PC. Also imagine being able to transfer someone's spirit from the human body into that of an android - thereby extending that person's existence. Why, the possibilities of this technology could be endless!" What do you think? Are cybergeists real or just fabrications to cover for miscoded programs and human error? We may never know for certain, but if your PC begins to act a bit out of the ordinary, don't rush for the virus scanners. Your PC may have just turned into a new home for someone beyond the grave! {RAH} -------------- Ray Koziel is a systems programmer (C++ and Pascal) for Blue Cross Blue Shield of IL's EMC-Net, a private bulletin board used for electronic submission of insurance claims. Living in Chicago with a wife, a new baby boy and two dogs, Ray has found RAH helpful in keeping his insanity. FidoNet: 1:115/542 (The Loonatic Fringe BBS) --------------------------------------------------------------------- The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?" Random Access Humor Page 7 July 1993 The Truth Behind MTBF submitted by Albert Fixl (Sunnyvale, CA) >From Tue Jun 22 11:42:40 1993 Subject: Forwarded: MTBF daemon From the net: Sun Microsystems has long been aware that too high a value for system MTBF (measured in days or fractions thereof) leads to a stultifying sense of boredom and complacency on the part of the network administrator. Thoughtfully, SUN has incorporated the little-known MTBF daemon, which is quietly spawned at boot time, to ensure that all users are exposed to the excitement of real breakdowns at reasonable intervals. MTBFd is intelligent insofar that it automatically detects the busiest server on the network and grafts itself onto the server's sendmail daemon. Lifeboat simulations are no substitute for that first actual file-scrambling catastrophe. Quoting the MTBFd (8) man page, "it's not actually data corruption, as we use a special write- only encryption algorithm." The initial panic and wringing of throats soon gives way to the familiar elation of the front-line soldier under fire: sinews are stiffened, blood is summoned. Site-wide solidarity is magically rewoven as an almost forgotten camaraderie emerge to weather the blitz. "For the system administrator shall lie down with the controls engineer, yea, even the simple coder shall lie down with the OI group leader." -- St. Presper's Epistolary Update to the Pascalites, Release V, Level 1.2. The traditional supplier/user frictions also, surprisingly, disappear since the user is now, as it were, a born-again nonuser, and by definition a prospect for *something*. Long-forgotten salespersons will arrive to offer condolences and quotations for extended and enhanced service: contracts, add-ons, RAID systems, UPSes, upgrades, and newly-released allegedly working software. Eventually, the peaceful boredom of uptime will be restored, prisoners exchanged, scapegoats tried and executed, memorials erected to lost files, and a candle placed on the console to honor the Unknown Coder. ----- End Included Message ----- {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- DaffyNition Taglines (M-Z) compiled by Rob Nykvist (Theodore, AL) MAD: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence... Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... Maniac: An early computer built by nuts... Marriage: A sentence, not a word... Marriage: The mourning after the knot before... Masturbation: The human version of AUTOEXEC...BAT Medical Staff: Doctor's cane... Random Access Humor Page 8 July 1993 Memory dump: Amnesia... Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro... Microwave: Wave from a midget... Minor Operation: Coal digging... Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses... Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress... Mixed Doubles: Renee Richard and Martina Navratolova... Mobile: [Mo-BEEL'] -n... Cultural center of the Universe... Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds... Mondays: The potholes in the road of life... Morbid: Higher offer... Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once... Newsflash: Headless body found in topless bar... Nitrate: Cheaper than a day rate... Node: Was aware of... Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory... Nymphomaniac: A girl that can only count up to sex... Organic: Musical... Outpatient: Person who has fainted... Oxymoron: One who has used too much acne goo... Papsmear: Fatherhood test... Paranoia: Believing this tagline is written about you... Parking lot: A place where arguments start from scratch... Parking space: An area that vanishes as you make a U-Turn... PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair... Pedestrian: Someone who found a place to park... Pelvis: Cousin of Elvis... Perot: (A)bort (Q)uit (E)nd (T)erminate... Random Access Humor Page 9 July 1993 Pessimist: An optimist with experience... PETA: People for the Eating of Tasty Animals... Peter Pan: A washbasin in a house of ill repute... Petting: A study in anatomy in braille... Pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience... Postoperative: Letter carrier... Procastinator: A fishing expert, gifted at casting lures... Prostate: Flat on your back... Protein: In favor of young people... Prune Juice: The breakfast for Runers... Psychoceramics: The study of Crackpots... Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something... Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness... Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines... Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing... Purrson: A male kitty... Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty... Pussability: A surprised kitty's "BOING..." Pussy Whip: The dessert topping for cats... Recovery Room: Place to do upholestry... Rectum: Dang near killed him... Redundancy: An air bag in a politician's car... Rheumatic: Amourous... Rubber band: Flexible musicians... Secretion: Hiding something... Seizure: Roman emperor... Semiconductor: Part-time band leader... Serology: Study of knighthood... Random Access Humor Page 10 July 1993 Sit In: When you sit down to stand up for your rights... Skydiver: A guy whose talks fall flat... Soviet spy-dancer: A ballet ruse... Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes... Tablet: A small table... Elephone: How elephants call home... Terminal glare: A look that kills... Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport... Terror: A female Klingon with PMS... Three stages of Sex: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly... Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes... Tumor: More than one... Urine: Opposite of "You're Out..." Valorus: Large animal vit tusks; lives in vater... Varicose: Near by... Varicose Veins: Veins very close to each other... Vein: Conceited... Wedding rings: The world's smallest handcuffs... WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation... WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses... ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII... {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Said by my girlfriend just prior to her vacation to Mexico: "I Have to be careful what I drink down there because they have orgasms in the water." Forget Spring Water, let's bottle some Mexican water. submitted by: Christopher Boerma Random Access Humor Page 11 July 1993 RAH Humor Review: Usenet alt.comedy.british Newsgroup by Dave Bealer Is your regular humor conference/echo/newsgroup getting you down? Are you sick of the same old blonde jokes, Koresh and burn jokes, and "Mommy, mommy" jokes being repeated on a weekly basis? Then consider reading the USENET alt.comedy.british newsgroup. Despite their country's generally dull reputation, British humorists have been showing the rest of us how high class humor should be done for many years. Monty Python and Benny Hill are the most well known British comedy shows, at least in the United States. A few discerning individuals are familiar with some of the other good shows, such as Blackadder; Fawlty Towers; Red Dwarf; Yes, (Prime) Minister and The Young Ones. Discussions of all these programs and many others occur regularly in the alt.comedy.british newsgroup. Since this is not a moderated newsgroup you will see an occasional brain dead post by some clueless Neanderthal, but these are rare compared to other humor conferences. Most of the posts in this conference are not actually examples of British comedy, but requests for information regarding British comedies and comedians. Article 3046 (20 more) in alt.comedy.british: From: kds52568@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (The Bean) Subject: Re: Blackadder merchandising question Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1993 01:04:11 GMT Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana Lines: 19 sherman_s@spcvxb.spc.edu (Scott Sherman) writes: >Does anyone know of a catalog or store that sells Blackadder >memorabilia? Such things as mugs, t-shirts, torture devices, etc. >Please E-Mail any responses to: >Scott Sherman >Internet: SHERMAN_S@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU >Bitnet: SHERMAN_S@SPCVXA.BITNET >Thanks in advance This past Saturday was a "Blackadder Fest" on PBS here in Seattle. They were offering T-shirts, buttons, etc. as incentive to donate to the station. Dunno if these were of the same design mentioned in the other follow-up post. Trina Random Access Humor Page 12 July 1993 Article 3095 (6 more) in alt.comedy.british: From: simonf@tmx.mhs.oz.au (Simon Foster) Subject: Re: BlackAdder Season 5 Date: Sat, 19 Jun 93 16:00:37 -1000 Lines: 19 In <1993Jun17.202146.9131@nntpd2.cxo.dec.com> berner@hsomai.enet.dec.com (JOEY BERNER) writes: >Does anyone know if the fifth season of BlackAdder is available on >video. It is the one where they are in outer space. If it's >available, let me know. I have the other four seasons but the fifth >one eludes me. Also, is there a BlackAdder FAQ available? If so, >where?? To my knowledge there isn't a BA5, and the writers have said they don't intend to produce any more Black Adders'. However, you may be thinking of th Black Adder Christmas Special (where there is an 'outer space' scene) which is available on BBC Video. Simon - - - - - - For those unfamiliar with Internet acronyms, a FAQ is a list of "Frequently Asked Questions." Such lists exist for many of the leading British comedies, such as Blackadder; Monty Python, etc. Other lists are dedicated to a specific actor, such as Rowan Atkinson (whose best known works include Blackadder and Mr. Bean). A large proportion of the participants in this newsgroup are either Brits or Aussies, although people from around the world like British comedy. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Announcements RAH is now being distributed in Australia. Brett O'Hara of The Flying Circus BBS in Highett, Victoria (a suburb of Melbourne) is providing RAH to those "down under." Thanks, Brett! For those keeping score, that's three continents down, four to go. RAH will likely switch from monthly publication to a "10 times a year" schedule starting in 1994. There will be issues each month from September through May, then a single Summer issue, probably released on July 1st. It turns out that Summer is just too busy for me to publish the magazine every month and do it justice. This issue may turn out to be a little thin, and August will be worse. I'd rather publish RAH less frequently than turn out an inferior product. The Puffin's Nest BBS (The Home of RAH) will be undergoing major hardware and software upgrades during July 1993. These changes will include a shift from MS-DOS to OS/2. We apologize in advance for any difficulties experienced connecting to the system during the conversion/upgrade process. {RAH} Random Access Humor Page 13 July 1993 --- Taglines Seen Around the Nets In need of a good reformatting. A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week. 29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast. Life would be much easier if I had the source code. Love is grand, divorce is twenty grand. She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat. I played poker with tarot cards; got a flush and five people died. Sir, sonar reports screw noises. I'm not conceited, I just can't stand mortals. SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment. Electric chairs are period furniture; they end a sentence. Oh, goody! My Alludium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator! Are the voices in my head bothering you? But you thaid is was a pith helmet! Recovering blonde. My kid just beat up your honor student. I need some duck tape. My duck has a quack in it. Is there a Lemon Law for Presidents too? My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel. She won't last forever, so why give her a diamond? If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk? God is real, unless declared "integer." All the world's a stage, but most of us are stage hands. When you have sour cream every problem looks like a potato. Come in, Beverly, and I'll show you a real Picard maneuver. But you can't let her drive! She's legally blonde! If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails. Random Access Humor Page 14 July 1993 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only heavier. "I'm a lawyer." "Honest?" "No, the usual kind." Is this yours? Your dog left it on my lawn. I fought the lawn and the lawn won. In God we trust, all others we voice verify. WARNING: No user serviceable characters in this tagline. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/nope) A crucifix? Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire! I practice safe eating...I use condiments. I am Dangerfield of Borg. Respect is irrelevant. Beam me up Scotty! The liberals have taken over! Sensors identify the creatures as "scrubbing bubbles." {ed. note: This may have been funnier before one of my proof-readers spotted a typo:} Senors identify the creatures as "scrubbing bubbles." {her question was: "Is this supposed to be a Spanish tagline?"} Random Access Humor Page A-1 July 1993 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer Non-Contributing Editor: Greg Borek Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-14400/V.32bis) Internet: dbealer@access.digex.net greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the publisher. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette, CD-ROM or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed in combination with any other publication or product. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS. Internet users may obtain RAH issues via anonymous FTP from : uglymouse.css.itd.umich.edu Directory: pub/Zines/RAH Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via Internet to: dbealer@access.digex.net Random Access Humor Page A-2 July 1993 Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail messages. It will not be possible to make private responses to any submissions or correspondence received. The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication, so keep it (mostly) clean. RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication: 1) Any material in the public domain. 2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder. 3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder. In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material, and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of previous publication. RAH Distribution System: (Sites bearing the designation will accept your contributions and forward them to the editors.) (All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.) The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 14400 (V.32bis) SailNet> 53:5000/1129 CinemaNet> 68:1410/101 Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP (RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue) Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP (RAH9302R.ZIP and later only) Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST Random Access Humor Page A-3 July 1993 RAH Gateway Systems: Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis) RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1 007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis) W-Net_fts> 66:636/1 CrossNet> 73:400/0 SOGNet> 91:91/2 H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis) RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1 DoorNet> 75:7918/205 The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis) ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200 MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis) PodsNet> 93:9600/2 Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis) VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102 Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis) Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2 Parity BBS Ocean Isle, NC. Sysop: Pat Finnerty FidoNet> 1:3627/107 (919) 579-1672 14400 (HST/Dual) EchoNet> 50:5018/107 RANet> 72:919/20 SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2655079 14400 (V.32bis) GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5 RAH Official Distribution Sites: -= AUSTRALIA =- Victoria The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis -= CANADA =- Ontario Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis Random Access Humor Page A-4 July 1993 -= NETHERLANDS =- BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 V.32bis TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis -= SLOVENIA =- R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis -= TURKEY =- SoftCom Online Istanbul 2:430/1 90-1-2655079 V.32bis -= UNITED STATES =- Alabama J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis California InfoMat BBS San Clemente (NoFido) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32 Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual Florida The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis Flamingo Ventures Pensacola 1:3612/320 (904) 478-7716 V.32bis Hawaii Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual Illinois The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32 Indiana Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual Maryland Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32 The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 V.32bis Michigan CALnet @node.1 Detroit 1:2410/120 (313) 836-8275 V.32 007LZ Southfield 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 V.32bis Mississippi Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis Missouri Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis Random Access Humor Page A-5 July 1993 New Mexico High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32 Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 HST New York The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual Maj. Woody's Retreat New York 1:278/719 (212) 486-6281 V.32bis North Carolina Parity BBS Ocean Isle 1:3627/107 (919) 579-1672 HST/Dual Ohio Storyboard Yellow Springs 1:110/210 (513) 767-7896 V.32bis Oklahoma H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis Oregon Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32 Pennsylvania Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual Texas Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (NoFido) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual Utah Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis Virginia Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32 Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual Washington Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis Wisconsin The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis