POET AND ERNIE'S POST-ANAL SHIT'OUSE VOL 1, ISSUE 2. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Written, and inspired by.. PeeWee Lee D.L Sven Spangler Paul Davies Peter Grifiths Bernard Gessle Mojo Flopcock >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> INTRODUCTION: THANKYOU ,......Tonka. Thankyou for subscribing and don't worry about Englishness in Issue two as I've included an English slang dictionary just to piss you off. Get you're friends to subscribe, and your aunties too, and your mums and your girlfriends and everyone you know so that we get lots more people subscribing though we have quite a few now and that good!!! Oh, fuck it, let's get on with it... DL@CATES.DEMON.CO.UK >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Article one: You want reviews, you fuckin got em! We now vow to review 40 records and movies and books in 5 words or less. All good zines have review sections and I feel fucking slack by not reviewing stuff because I used to think it was just an easy way out and very egocentric but now I realize it's godlike. So here's a review of the first 40 films, books, or rekids I can see in my room. FILMS... Reservoir dogs - Anarchic, violent black comedy Pulp Fiction - Anarchic, violent black comedy Wizard of Oz- Classic family fairytale. Shag- Crazy teen comedy. Roman Holiday- Romantic comedy, B+W. Betty Blue- Arty,Erotic French Flick. Blues Brothers- Classic Wacky comedy. Diary of a Lost girl-GW Pabsts silent classic. Fast times at Ridgemont high-Crazy teen comedy. Head-Crazy Psychedelic Monkees comedy. Jacobs Ladder- Confusing, surrealist, masterpiece. The Killer-Violent John Woo Movie. Last Exit to Brooklyn- Grim. Multiple Maniacs-Funny. Mean Streets-Violent Bob Deniro goes nuts at end. Man Bites Dog- Belgian. Return of the Jedi- Space Romp. Talk Radio- Desolate. Tapeheads-Cheap. Oh fuck it, this joke isn't funny anymore. FUCK IRONY, I GIVE UP! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Two: Here it is bam, and I say Fiddlesticks. ALL STAR POP INTERVIEW: THIS MONTH IT'S ICE CUBE!!! P+B: Hi Ice Cube. Mr Ice: Wassup! P+B: Can we call you Ice. Mr Ice: Yeh. P+B: Ok, Ice. So, first question, Here is something I can't understand, how you could just kill a man. Mr Ice: !!!!!!! P+B: What's it like, pulling out a jammie and letting DUECE fly into the screaming, and falling, and yelling, and pissing, torso of a nigga you don't like. Mr Ice: !!!!!! See, what you gotta understand is, sometimes on the street you gotta fuck someone up to survive yourself. P+B: Wow, it sounds really exciting. Mr Ice: ????? P+B: Have you got a large collection of gat's. Mr Ice: Yeh. P+B: Cool. You see in England we can't just go out and shoot people, it's illegal but lot's of times I think it would be cool if murder was legalized like it is in America. Mr Ice: It ain't fuckin' legal over there. P+B: So how come you do it then. Mr Ice: 'Cos I got's to do shit like dat sometimes, y'know what I'm saying? P+B: No, sorry Mr Cube but I don't get it. Mr Ice: It' s illegal but I still do it, see, it's like dat. P+B: Oh, like sodomy, we all do it but it's still illegal. Mr Ice: Yeh, it's a lot like dat. Fucking G's up, 'n' shit. P+B: G's, as in Girls?? Mr Ice: No!!! G's as in fuckin' Gansta's. P+B: So you sodomise gansta's. Mr Ice: No!! I shoot G's. P+B: YOU SHOOT GIRLS! Mr Ice: I SHOOT GANGSTA'S!!! P+B: Ohhh!!! I get it, you shoot Gangsta's and sodomize girls. Mr Ice: Somin' like dat. P+B: Ooooh, so you do lot's of illegal things then. Mr Ice: They can't fuckin' stop me, the police ain't shit. P+B: You like the police? Mr Ice: No I fuckin don't. P+B: But you just said they were not shit. Mr Ice: They AIN'T shit. P+B: Same thing. Mr Ice: No it isn't! P+B: Yes it bloody is, Ain't and are not is the same. Mr Ice: Oh fuck off, I'm in a really tetchy mood now, I'm going to call me agent, this interviews over. P+B: Sorry. Mr Ice: piss off, I'm 'aving nout to do wi' ya. Ya smarmy little bugger. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Three: You ate all the pies!!!! TEENAGERS IN THE 90's. Teenagers? Are they really the spawn of Beelzebub, or just participating in harmless, mindless, ribaldry? How much do we really know about the teenagers of Britain (or wherever). A new book, published this month, threatens to destroy the very fabric of existence as we know it. Not only does it expel the myths of teenagery but also reports some shocking truths about our sons and daughters. Author, and eminent Fellow of Normington college, hull, Dr Keith Thisstlewaite engaged himself in a chaotic, 6 year, research program to find out what makes our teenagers tick. -------------------------------------------------------------- (Exclusive extracts from 'Teenage kicks', published by Faber and Faber, £19.95, available in shops now) Teenagers, curse of the 90's or simply a mild annoyance? Whatever we think we know about the young, the truth far outweighs any fantasy we may have. TEENAGE SEX PARTY WILLY AND MUFF GAMES- You may remember parties as being chocolate cake and blancmange, little presents being passed around the table, pointy hats and surprise clowns. But today's parties, and the games played therein, are very much different from the Halcyon day's of yore. Games such as 'Spin the dildo' and 'Postman's Cock' are common practice amongst teenagers today. Games which leave nothing to the imagination. Possibly the most disgusting of these, so called, games is simply called 'soggy biscuit'.The rules of 'Soggy Biscuit' are simply, yet unbelievably evil. 4 players, all male, kneel in a circle, each has a biscuit in one hand and his erect, proud, member in the other. As the game begins there is a frenzy of what can only be described as , wanking, there are no winners in the game of 'soggy biscuit' only a loser, one man who has to devour all 3 other players spunk dripping biscuits. Sick, depraved, disgusting, all words which no doubt enter the minds of every parent in the land, but it is a staple part of every teenage party, a sick reminder of the way things have become in the 90's. TEENAGE SEX- The mouth, the vagina, the arse, all three holes can, and will, be filled during a teenage sex session. The average teenage sex session can last anything up to 30 minutes, and invariably ends in carpet burns, soreness, and in extreme cases symptoms of, what teenagers simply refer to as, 'a rash'. At the end of one of these 'sex sessions' it is estimated that up to 1 pint of 'jism' is 'shot'. The teenage population is out of control, it is our job to stop them before it's too late. Use a gun, a knife, or maybe a more unorthodox approach, but whatever you do,stop it now, for our own sakes. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Four : the doobie brothers, in a crate of mangos. The night I got fucked up at Baz's party.... We get to the Turks (it's a pub) quite early because Jason and Tony (who used to be in the band (see last issue)) were supposed to be there but they don't show and Gary and me start drinking silly. Richie turns up and Baz isn't there but it's going to be his party at his new house and we knew this because it was arranged. Baz isn't my friend, but I know him (sort of) and he's just o.k. Say by about 10 O'clock Rik and Baz and me and Gary and a lot of others are outside the Turks and we are going to go to the party after the pub closes and I have my guitar and some 'K' because I need to drink more but I'm drunk and I talk to Phil a lot and he has some 'bob hope' but we don't because we were skint. So just before we leave for the party I start to talk to this girl and we get on really well but she looks good to me because I am so pissed. She isn't supposed to be going to Baz's party and that makes me sad because although she is dog ugly I think I will definitely get a shag which is Important to me when I'm pissed. So we leave for Baz's party and Gary and me go first and get the stereo set up and play some loud music and we are both pissed but I'm really bad. the others arrive and there are not as many people as I thought there would be and so Rik and me played drums and jam to some rekids and drink a lot, and smoke a lot of shit. The party is simply OK but I get to see an almost buck-naked lady who derobes for me in the toilet so I can see her Tattoo which I tell her I think is silly because I don't like Tat's and she has a fit body and if I was sober it would have drove me nuts but I was scuttered and so it meant nout. The Ned arrives (the girl at the pub) and I am pleased to see her and she raids the beer and we drink it and I get pisseder (which is a bad thing) and I am not in control. I am ready to pass out but Ned and me play drums together and she plays guitar and sings to me and she looks like Jimmy Krankie,which is a very bad thing. She may be retarded a bit but I'm too drunk to tell. So I think I love her and it's about 3 in the morning and I'm not going to get off with anyone else so I guess it will have to be her and then she mentions (in passing) that she lives with her boyfriend and I am fucking amazed because she was coming on to me like a crazy woman. And so I think fuck it and walk around a bit and the cute bar-maid from the Turks is there but she's way out of my league when I'm so drunk I can't talk or owt. But I'm cool with her and that's good because at least I can buy a drink from her in the future without feeling like a twat. And Gary thinks it's best if we leave and, you know, maybe he's right. So We get up to leave and Gary has called a taxi and we wait outside but by now I can't talk, walk, think, owt. So I get in the taxi and Gary tells him where we need to go and Gary has to get dropped off at home because we don't live together. So he get's out and I'm feeling more than a little queasy and so I get out of the Taxi early and spew which is good that I got out because otherwise I'd have to pay for cleaning the taxi. And I walk all over the road and the milkman is doing his rounds and it's late/early, and I'm getting in the way of his milk cart. So I get home and I am fucked up..... The next week I see the milkman and he refers to the incident and I deny all knowledge which is not fooling anyone. I vowed never to drink or smoke 'ash again but the following week it was Martins party and I got fucked up again but not that bad, I was just pleasantly fucked up. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Five: ????? So I actually got an article sent in for PAB and I read it and It's not the sort of thing that fits in with our normal content and so I thought I wanted to put it in because I'm good like that and besides, I liked it!!! So here it is, verbatim, it's fiction (at least I fucking hope it is) and it's not funny but it's disturbing like the Resident's or something and I LIKE IT!!! Her... by ben ohmart She wasn't ugly because of any kind of looks, but it's difficult for a 14 year old girl, just discovering that she's that much more sexually superior to men, to get away from the fact that there is a huge birthmark on her neck in the shape of a size 6 shoe print. Tlintha would go to school, huddle within her frothing friends of bad-teethed, wobbling humanoids who couldn't get a date combined if they'd each put up a forth of a guy, so the fact that she was always teased about getting an early hold on the psychological tendencies of spinsterhood, because of those high-collared shirts, was lessened when she'd hold her straight posture up next to Margerine Tumduldle who had the hair crop of a black bear. The incident came like most do about the cruelty of a childhood. Some guys coaxed a track jock into leading her on. Puppies are led when you've got food. Tlintha was ready, after a week of this, to be asked out, forgetting her own deformity in the midst of ideals, but what the track star did was send her, on Valentine's Day, a bouquet of the finest Jordan hightops that would fit in a flower basket. She turned like the song a whiter shade of pale, and taking the paper book cover from her Life Science book, hid her neck with a deeper layer. After that, it was easy to stand out, overlooking the cars. Hoping. Just waiting. Finally a good specimen came along, and she waited for the invite. "Would you like a lift?" a man in straw hat and guttural language asked. She'd never seen him before so answered, "Yeah!" After fifty miles, the love of the tragedy wore off and Tlintha was looking at the road stops with a passionate squirm. She thought she'd been behaving fine up to here, so said, "Can we stop?" No answer, and fifty more miles were gone before she sprinkled the car seat with little girl juice. It's hard to find a willing school, Tlintha thought, this much closer. He didn't say a word about the wet spots, dragging her up, binding the wrists, and pulling her by the head up the back steps. Farm country. No one would bother them. She was in a chair. Calendars from 40 years past cluttered every inch of kitchen space, but it felt good looking at the still scenery. The windows were painted in model paints, the kind used for doing model cars, ships, and the girl knew because most of the plastic parts were stuck to the dead windows, as if being just beyond salvation, but almost. The man took off his hat, and had fuzzy ears. "I used to have a little girl like you," he said, explaining no further, but they were only words. He thought she expected them of him. Her dress was up before she had time to find the humor, the delight in what was about to happen. The man flabbed her legs, stuffing the puffy socks deep into her black shoes held to the feet with fake-jewel studded Velcro pieces. The left looked... Taking a sword from the utensil cabinet, a rather long utensil cabinet, he began to probe the fleshy part of her leg with the handle, tapping it out almost like some kind of cigarette. Needle, Tlintha should've thought. The blade sliced as fine as a stitch pulled out of a wound, but he wasn't about to let the first drop be wasted to an unappreciative floor. No, he'd had too much of that already. The suck was great, and he kept his mouth around the base of her fleshy ankle underside until his sinuses demanded he come up for air through the mouth. Only thing that didn't make it perfect, that bothered him was that she never screamed. Oh, sure, the basic yell after the prick, or the slice through the flesh, but not much satisfaction after the fact. It would have to work later. But then.....! "You don't have AIDS!" It was a question as soon as he thought it, but Tlintha was insulted, and refused. There was nothing he could do to coax her, what did she have to lose? But over the next three days he ceased to care. The way to go, was The way to go, and they became fast friends as he probed every vein she had to give. He had to untie her during the second week, he had no information to go on about what happened to them at this stage, didn't they all die by this point? But the Red Cross freebies he'd all sent away for had all said the same thing anyway. You constrict, it lessens the flow of blood. But still she helped with the cooking. For as long as the fainting spells stayed away. But the frequency was more and more, and now the couch seemed like the safest place. He'd always honored her statement about keeping the lace turtleneck around her back neck regions, but it was becoming serious. Tlintha's body was a sack of black slits and scabby cuts that wouldn't heal back together for all the E in the world, and the pussy was just out of the question. By the time he was warned of her little woman's period, most of the good stuff was gone. It was no use. He had to go in through the neck. Waiting til night, the man thought it would be better on her. The old house creaked with a farmhouse's personality, but little girls sleep sound, don't they? he wondered. Slipping into the den, he cursed himself for not taking her by surprise during the last month. He'd forgotten how she slept off the faints.. Boxes of cereal were the only garbage around, but many. Still, they hardly made a sound when crunched; nothing in them anymore. The man came up. Hand was to her clothed neck, and he peeled back, excited for the rush that was there. The unexplored territory that would combine them to that kind of lover again, without the horrendous need of a fuck. It would be a - He saw the heelprint. Took a few steps, and wondered. The moonlight through a chip in the model paint was the only thing keeping his high eyebrows from being.. nothing. Like the question of if a tree falls in the woods... Tlintha yawned and stretched the tight covers back, wondering at the air that was all around her. Helping her up and into the new morning that was her world, and licked lips for the Frosted Flakes soon to come. The street was bare, and she didn't understand. In a mattress, in the middle of nowhere. A two-laned street at best. She was in shock. Shock for.. however long it was. Didn't feel used. Couldn't think about where the nearest bus stop was, which was counties away. .......So that's it. I think it's good, Ben, you're a bloody pro, thanks-DL. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article six-Winki wanki woo How come I'm so funny... People always ask me.. 'How come you're such a thoroughly hilarious person'. well, I cannot deny it, I'm really really funny all the time. I wake up in the morning laughing hard, but not as hard as the folks around me who think I'm tops. My boss laughs at my jokes, even God thinks I'm really funny. I tell ya, come judgement day my hilarity will far outweigh my sins, 'cos I'm really good. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article seven: P and B for real. This is a transcription of the real Pete and Bernies taped conversations. I have a copy of this one tape but there are TONS, I love them guys. Hopefully when I get my Web page in the next month or two I'll stick some P+B samples on from the real tapes. Be warned it is offensive!!! (lots of stuff before this) P: I tell ya mate, now we'll talk about, politics or something. Talk about Bill Clinton. B; Bill Clintons OK, but the problem with bill Clinton is he should, like, just do lot's of drugs. More Drugs. He did it before but he didn't inhale. P: Oh, he didn't inhale. b:Sure he didn't. I mean, the situation is someone passes you a spliff , you inhale, you don't just stick it in your mouth and nothing. p: he was at Oxford university and he didn't take drugs, I don't think so. Sure he did. b: Any self respecting student would. p: I reckon he took a lot of drugs, his spunk got fucked up, and he gave birth to Chelsea and that explains a few things. b: I don't know, because the first time I saw a picture of chelsea I thought she was cute. P: Well, she's got braces, she's got bow legs. b: I've never seen her body, only her face. I' ve seen 2 pictures of Chelsea Clinton. First one she looked really ugly because she was Crying. And you know all girls look ugly when they cry. p: That's not true. b:Yes it's true. p: OK I'll name two girls who don't. b: Alright then. p: Linda Evangelista, and Papa Andreas. b: No, that's bullshit because Linda Evangelista if she cried I would imagine she'd look like the Sta-puft marshmallow man, cos she's got that shape face. You know the bit in ghostbusters when they shoot the Sta-puft marshmallow man? p: oh you and your fucking ghostbusters. b: Well, you know that bit when he cries in pain p: yeh, b: That's what Linda Evangelista would look like if she cried. And that's ugly, it's not pretty. p: No it's not pretty. I stand corrected b: Who's Papa Andres? p: Papa Andreas? I have no Idea but she's really nice when she cries. b:Second time I saw Chelsea Clinton she was looking slightly cute and goofy, And I thought 'Wow, she looks OK' cos you know when you see Hillary Clinton, and she's getting on in years but I think she's pretty too. I mean, I'd do it, just to say I did. p: Just so you could say that you shagged Hillary CLinton. b: Yeh. And I'd do it with Hillary and Chelsea at the same time. What would best describe my feelings about the Clinton family would be.. 'Chelsea and Hillary and me makes three'. p: with me looking through the keyhole. b: yeh, well that would be good. How about Bill looking through the keyhole. p:No, BIll's in the closet and I'm looking through the Keyhole. The eye is watching me watching Bill watching you and Chelsea and Hillary. b: Because Chelsea's never had a dick and never will ever have a dick. p: She has. b: Who? p: O.J. Simpson. b: he gave her The Big Dick? p: yep. b: Well he must have The Big Dick because he's a big basketball player, or was he a big football player? p: He's a big murdering man!! (lot's more talk edited) p: Even if I was in Japan and a little guy came up to me and said 'You wanna buy some pussy' with lots of little tiny girls, like Harvey Keitel in Taxi Driver, a real pimp, and he had loads of little tiny girls, I would be tempted but I wouldn't do it. b: Not even a hand job? p: No. Not even fingers and tops. That's it you get three levels... full anal type bum intercourse, little tiny hairless Chinese pussy intercourse, and then you'd get hands, and then tops, Hands and Tops, fingers and tops, you might get fingers and tops and hands, then you'd get tops, fingers, or nout. You may not even get fingers and tops, you might get nout. If there was a choice between fingers or tops what would you go for? b: I'd go for topsies p: I'd go for fingers. Most of the time you get nout though. I don't think prostitutes do fingers and tops though. It's just wide open beaver. If you were in america and you'd say 'how much for a wank' to a pimp he'd give you a price, if you said 'how much for fingers and tops' he'd probably shoot you dead. Only for saying 'Fingers and tops', they don't like it. I mean, you can have anal sex, pussy sex, tummy sex, eye sex, willy bum sex,man willy bum sex, puppy sex, baby sex, deep baby puppy sex, or anything like that is OK but there is a limit to what you can do and 'Fingers and Tops' slightly oversteps that limit. b:It's that fine line between wanton lust and bad taste. And fingers and tops is definitely the latter. P: Americans are a funny lot. I mean, before visiting Hilary in her boudoir you would have to prepare yourself, condom wise, and you would go into a shop and say 'Hello, have you got any rubbers' b: But you get rubbers in stationary shops. p: That's right and they would give you something which erases pencil. b: Could you say 'Rubber Johnies' in America would they understand you? p: If you asked for 'Rubber Johnies' they'd probably shoot you. b: They shoot you for anything in America. p: Well you know what 'Johnies' means in America? b: No. p: John is American for toilet. So they would think you were saying you wanted to go to the toilet. It's the equivalent of saying 'I want to go to wee wee', it's childish phrase. If you said you wanted to go to 'wee wee' in America then more than likely they would lean you over the nearest surface, pull down your tight levi's and shove one up you. b: A willy? p: That would be your punishment, it's what any red blooded America would do. Anyway there are only 3 forms of sex in the UK. b: Yeh? p: Straight sex, bum sex, and 'tops and fingers'. That's what they tell you, but let me open your eyes... Fourthly you have (under breath 'oh fuck') Child sex..... (he then sings a little song) You can put your willy up a kid, they ain't had it before. It's screams it's fucking head off. you must not tell your mum, or trouble will come. Your Grandma will die, if you tell a lie. Don't tell the police, purlease. b: Wow, you know that shit off pat. p: We'll you never know when it will come in handy. b: Is that with a little girl, or boy? p: That's with a little girl. b: What happens with a boy. p: With a boy it's.... (sings again) You pull down their pants, and show them the ants. You both play piss on the ground, you say that that's a good size. Bad boys tell lies. Your limp will soon heal, now let's cop a feel. My finger inside, your tight little hide. ---------------I think that's enough now, There is a shit load more of the tape but it's a bugger to transcribe and it makes me laugh a lot-DL- --------- >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Eight: An old ten P coin. Larry Adler. I fucking 'ate him. Why? You ask. Well, he plays harmonica, and last weekend he was on the fucking South Bank show. I know this bloke called Skunk, who's 93, and plays down Friar Street with his harmonica and he's not on the South Bank Show. I mean, all you have to master to play the harmonica is the art of Breathing, big frigging deal, I think I've got that one cracked, in out etc, place harmonica to lips, and you are Larry Adler. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Nine: Steppin, use my steel toe as a weapon. Reading, England, UK, is a neat place to live. I can tell you're sceptical, but I can understand, so here is a few words about why Reading, my home town, is so fucking doe. Reading town centre has 3 streets, Friar Street, Broad Street, and Oxford Road. Friar Street is where the buskers go, they also go to Broad Street and there is a bloke who thinks he's Elvis, and he's weird, and when people busk he joins them and people take this piss out of him but he's happy I suppose. We have a few record shops, but in the days of yore there used to be lots more but they got shut down because 'Our Price' records opened about 5 shops in one street and then HMV got loads of shops and 'Our Price' lost all their shops and now we have a Virgin Megastore, but it's shit. HMV is the best store in Reading because they occasionally get imports but Tower Records in London is the best for imports but this is Reading, and we don't have one, which is a shame but we have so many record shops that it would be unwise to get anymore, for some but not me as I love record shops. Darren goes there with Esther, I go there with Gary, and Critchy goes with Darrens brother Jason and that's all. I used to go with Charlotte, but she left me, and I want to go with Manju, who I like a lot, but we haven't gone out yet which is a pisser but I hope to see her socially soon and go to Reading shopping with her but she comes from London but lives in Reading and I live in Reading but go to London. They have shops that sell computer games and software but not Macintosh games as they do in Slough but the people who work at The Apple Centre in Slough are CUNTS (imho). I can't think of anything else in Reading which is neat. We have to go out of Reading for any interesting stuff, but Reading has a great shopping centre as good as any other except London, or maybe Bristol, or Portsmouth, or something. So come to Reading and maybe you will see me on a Saturday at the Record shops of Reading like Bev's which is actually called 'Sound Machine' but we call it Bev's 'cos Bev is the owner and we know him and Brian works there and he used to be a DJ and he's simply OK. Bev's nice, and the girl who works there is fucking gorgeous but she read the other fanzine (the paper one) that me and my pal's did called Lucky Bag, which said about me beating off over Katie Puckrik and I think it put her off but she is pretty and she works in a record shop and so that's cool.....(etc) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Ten: English Slang We use a lot of English words and phrases which you might not get, tough. Well, OK, here's all you need to know... Whaking off, beating off, pulling your pud, wanking, tossing- they all mean masturbation. Taking the piss- means making fun of someone Trousered, plastered, legless, witless, shit-faced, rat arsed- they all mean drunk. Arse-Bottom Dick-penis Skint- Having no money Owt/out - something (eg, have you got owt, did you get owt) nowt/ nout - Nothing (I got nout, I bought nowt) I think that's all but you can probably work out the rest, sorry for confusion but I know no better. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article eleven: Pop goes the Beatles. POP FACTS: This month it's Paul McCartney of Wings fame. 1-When Paul was young he used to write death threats to Mickey Mouse, and even now he want's to kill the lovable cartoon rodent. 2-Pauls first wife, Shane, was also married to Glenn Miller of Aircrash horror death terror shame fame. 3-Paul is a dead man, but he doesn't know it yet because I'm going to kill him when I'm old enough and have a big gun. 4-Linda McCartney is a vegetarian. She never eats meat, she simply feasts on the carcasses of tiny Chinese babies and peas. 5-Pauls second wife, Steve, was really boring. 6-Paul has a wart up his arse and it hurts like buggery. 7- Paul has 3 children and a porcupine and lives on a farm and is normal and just like you or I. 8-Paul McCartney wrote 'Mull of Kintyre' whilst thrashing a brazilian peasant with a big stick as a form of cruel punishment for forgetting his Special Drug suitcase which Paul paid him 20 million pounds to smuggle through customs. And that peasant was me! 9- Paul McCartney used to sing with the Beatles and he got the idea for the name whilst sticking his dick up the exhaust pipe of a bus. 10-Paul McCartney kidnapped a baby once and used it for live bait on a fishing trip to Kent!! He caught a bass. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article twelve: Kissing a fishermans knee for free. THE PETE & BERNIE'S etc FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS V1.0! Many questions are asked frequently about the publications you are now reading, so here's a FAQ! Q-Why? A-Why not? Q-Why is P&B so really very shit? A-The answer is complexed. Not only are we shit as people we are also very shit in our brains and really just all round shitness is our game. Q-What do you people enjoy doing besides the E-Zine? A-We don't even enjoy doing the E-Zine, it was a laugh once but now we hate everything, E-Zine included. I, D.L, Like to sit alone and do the E- Zine, or rather I do but don't like it. Pee Wee hangs out with his Girlfriend and nowt else and he comes up with funny things but I type them in. Gary sits at home and reads and goes to play badminton and nowt. And Critchy plays Doom and sleeps a lot and then comes round and hassles me about things. Pete and Bernie are fictitious. The others are Pseudonyms and So are Pete and Bernie, and I don't exist and neither do you. It's all a scam really. Q-Is there going to be a home page? A-Well, whatever made you ask that? Well, sure there is but I don't know when. I have it on my hard disk but it's not on the net yet as Pee Wee and Me (but mostly him) have to pull a few pranks to get the space for free which I'd like to see him pull off but I think we will have to pay in the end but it will happen soon and will have nowt new on it apart from Issues of this, a few samples from the P&B tape I just transcribed and a couple other things but at least you'll get to see pics of us and use them to stimulate and enhance masturbation, which is smart really. Q-Do you ever laugh at the stuff you write? A-All the time but not all the time. If someone else does something really funny I'll laugh a lot and if I do something really funny I laugh a lot (I mean piss myself chortling) and some things hold up for a few weeks but I usually get bored with them but some things I laugh at forever, I always find them hilarious. Q-Why don't you write for that Rolling Stone magazine? A-Because they offered me about a million pounds but I have no concept of money and any number higher than, say, four thousand and I got scared and confused and simply ran into the arms of my lover trembling. Q-What music do you listen to? A-Not so much music, I like sound. The sound of a baby vomiting into an old ladies hat. The sound of the lark ascending. The sound of fish in general. PLEASE NO MORE QWESTYUNS FROM THE FLOOR!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article thirteen: Larger wasted on a piss flea. Hair Care products of the Royals... The Royal family are just normal peoples. They eat kit-kat's and jam and stuff and they smoke fags and they wash their hair. But what hair care products do the royals use? I'll tell ya! Prince Charles- He uses Johnsons Baby Shampoo because he likes mild shampoo but no conditioner and also he doesn't have dandruff so he doesn't need any other stuff. The Queen- The Queen uses 'Wash n go' because she just wants to wash her hair, and go. Wash and Go is shampoo and conditioner in one bottle and so she doesn't have to take two bottles into the shower she just takes the one and it works good on her fanny pubes which are blessed unto god. Prince Phillip- Prince Phillip is a common man as he washes his hair in the kitchen sink with Fairy Washing up liquid. the Queen tells him not to do it 'cos she needs it for her posh dishes but he won't stop and it's making his hair a bit stringlike in texture and the Queen is pissed off at him. Princess Anne- She uses Head and Shoulders 'cos she's got a spot of dandruff and that's not on if your posh like she is. I met her once, well actually I saw her and she was a nice lady and she had a cup of tea with people I know and they spotted her dandruff problem but they didn't say owt because they didn't want to offend her through fear of beheading. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article fourteen: My three sons. If you're big belly-laughing humans like us you will be amused by.... FUN WITH PROSTHETIC ARMS. 1-The Catwalk scam- Wear a plastic arm in your sleeve as if you had a real arm there and put one of your real arms inside your coat and down your trousers. Sit in the front row of a Paris fashion show, this should be easy enough but you may have to pay lots of money. So, whilst the models are walking around looking smart and sexy you may wank off with your real arm whilst your prosthetic arm looks real and rests there. The trick is timing and it HAS to be vivien Westwood. So, at the end of the show make sure you are pretty worked up and almost at the vinegar shot. When Vivien walks out in a stupid fucking outfit pull out your dick and shoot off, then run onto the catwalk and rub the sperm into Viviens stupid white hair. It's tops! The false arm masturbation utility may be used at the following places... Cinema's Pub's disco's Rest homes for the elderly Zoo's Schools Youth clubs Airport lounges etc. 2-The Santa claus faux pas- Get a job as a Santa Claus at a department store, you know the ones where the kids sit on your lap and you ask what they want for Christmas. Well... get a job there and do your job excellently for a couple weeks so that you get a reputation as being a good santa as opposed to a bad evil santa. Then..... on the last day before christmas and about your last customer the prank can commence. You will need a prosthetic arm and ,of course, a 12-16" lifelike dildo... When the mum comes in with her kids simply manipulate the dildo, under your red robe, into erection position, thus worrying the parent who you will smile at in a Harry Nillson style. Then do the regular act with the kids and when your little elf/pixie photographer comes to take a snap of you and the kids simply slip the dildo out from your cloak at the moment of photography and without the kids noticing. This will infuriate the Mum but will cause much hilarity to you and your pals especially with Christmas coming up and all and provide a nice photo for Mum to show the kids partner later in life. It's as simple as that... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Fifteen:Cut myself on a razor, and out came sperm? Guide to Great British TV stars. (These descriptions are AUTHENTIC, I'm making NONE of this up (realizing that 95% of our readership are not British))... Rod Hull- He is Australian and has Orange hair and is about 70 and his trick is that he has a puppet which is called Emu and is an Emu which consists of a body which tucks under Rod's arm and the Emu's neck is Rod's arm and the head is his hand and Emu attack people with his mouth and lives in a Pink windmill which is always under threat from a fat, green witch called 'GrotBags' and it's a childrens thing and it's MAGIC! Duncan Norvell- A one shot deal. He's a comedian who's trick is he's gay and he say's 'Chase me' 'cos that's his catchphrase. Tony Hart- white haired man who does chidrens art shows (see issue one for libel) Anne Diamond- Is a TV presenter who keeps having babies who die in 'mysterious cot death incidents' and she presents 'Good Morning with Anne and Nick' and they are pals but I don't think they are married or owt. Richard and Judy- They are married and present a mid morning TV show which is only watched if a) you're unemployed b)You're sick c)You are a housewife and it's really good because Richard (Madely) keeps saying fucking stupid things and Judy tries to cover up because they interview minor celebrities. Richard got done for shoplifting a bottle of booze in a supermarket but the nation forgave him as he denied it all (a bit like...... Christopher Biggins- Was in a Childrens show called 'On surfari' and it involved running round in strange goo (like an assault course) which most TV programs for Kid's do nowadays. His catchphrase for the show was 'Surfari so goody' and he got done for shoplifting recently. He's fat and round and always on the ground. He ate all the pies. He usually plays Widow Twanky in Pantomime, it's a British thing and it's MAGIC! Keith Harris- Another puppet man. This time he is sort of a ventriloquist and his puppet is called Orville the Duck. They got in the top ten charts once with a record called 'I wish I could fly' which went... Orville: I wish I could fly, high up in the sky but I cant. Keith: You can! Orville: I can't! It was quite a moving song. Orville wears a nappy. They get their own shows now and again and Keith also has a puppet called Cuddles the Monkey who's a cheeky little monkey. It's a puppet thing and it's MAGIC! Jeremy Beadle- He's an unpopular little man with half-size fingers. He hosts 'You've been framed' which is really popular and it's like 'America's funniest home videos' but shitter in an English way. He also has a show called 'Beadle's about' and he pulls pranks on people like making their car get smashed up but it's not their car and they get irate at someone who is an actor and it's filmed and then Beadle comes out in a false beard and they shit themselves and are relieved but they cuss a bit and it's cut from the programm. He's just a general prankster. His catchphrase is always about 'You are the star of the show' but we all know that we get nowhere near the money he does so he must be either lying or wrong. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Sixteen: Arse's are MAGIC! My day today... It's a Sunday. I get up out of bed at 11:00 a.m, awoken by a strange scratching noise. Looking under my bed I am astounded to find Mariah Carey with a rasher of bacon and critics. I go downstairs, realize PAB is late and try to not think about it. Watch TV, drink Diet Coke, smoke, and form an indie guitar band called PebbleDash who go on to great success, scoring several number ones by lunchtime in countries as diverse as Switzerland, Israel, and Poland. And Sweden. I eat the contents of a pygmy's lunchbox, mostly Pop Tarts with a dash of Ketchup and then go back to bed. I wake up at 6:00 pm and Mariah's still there but now she's got a case of the flu and she's surrounded by members of the pop band 'The Eagles' who have re-formed again simple to mop her brow. After the initial shock of finding my legs swapped over (left to right, and Vice Versa) and stagger onto a bus and frown at clam. I sat down to finish PAB but gave up. I wrote this. Later I plan to spend the evening practising my stance, fishing and golf stance for instance, and that's all before I go to bed. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Seventeen: ADVERTISEMENTS.... ----------------------------------------------- When in Reading come to.... WORLD OF SANDPAPER- 3 floors of wall to wall sandpaper, fun for all the family! All grades, styles, and quality. Something for everyone! PAB BOX 211 ----------------------------------------------- FOR SALE- Peruvian Midget. One careful owner. 3ft tall, white hair, pink eyes, speaks conversational English. 50 quid or near offer. PAB BOX 232 ----------------------------------------------- WANTED- Nineteen spells from a witches mind, fifteen sledgehammers from Mr T's wardrobe, and a comb. Will pay good money. PAB BOX 321. ----------------------------------------------- >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Eighteen: Foreword by Jane Russell. COULD YOU BE BRIAN WILSON? Find out in our simple, just for fun, questionnaire... 1) What happens at your family dinner table? a)You and your immediate family sit down to a hearty dinner, passing amusing comments. generally a bit fucking smart. b)You and your immediate family sit down to a less than hearty dinner, passing sarcastic comments. generally a bit tense. c) Your father pulls out his glass eyes, throws you in the bath tub, makes you shit on a plate and then beats you with a cricket bat. For fun. Generally a bit torturous. 2) You have top pop hit's with a successful band called the Beach Boys, what do you do? a)Sing Hosanna's! b)Capitalize on your new found success by opening a chain of dog food shops called 'Beach Boys one stop dog shop' c) Lay in bed for 7 years. 3)You make the greatest album ever, like ever. what do you do with it? a)Release it to the world and lap up ensuing press adulation. b)Release it to the world and shun ensuing press adulation. c)Nowt. OK KIDS! Mostly a's and I'm afraid that after extensive lab tests we have concluded that you are not and have no chance of ever being said Beach Boy leader Brian Wilson. Mostly B's and you have Brianesque potential, join a local barbershop quartet and tour the home counties (if you live in England that is). Mostly C's- GLORY BE! You ARE Brian Wilson, Put on a towling robe and get back to bed immediately.. (BTW- Any Brian Wilson fans out there who find factual inaccuracies in the above 'article' please don't write as I know all about it and all that has come before is hearsay and lies) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Nineteen: The popstars with false nose section. That's all there is. I always said that there would be 25 articles per issue but I made a childish error. Anyway this issue is longer than the last one although there are less articles so what can I do. There may be a Christmas Mailing on Christmas Eve but I'm not sure whether I can manage it with Christmas and all and that I have to write/compile/ hassle the other guys for the next issue at the same time but I will say that there will be a small mailing of a different format. My Web page will be up next month and I'll let everyone know about it then. If you want to write anything then do, send it to me, I'll put it in regardless because I'm good like that. Later!! D.L. (etc) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>