ÜÜÜÜÜ Ü Ü ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ Û ÛÜÜÛ ÛÜ Û Û Û Û ÛÜÜÜ ÛÜ Û Û ÛÜÜÜ Û Û Û ÛÜÜÜ Û Û Û ÜÛÜ ÜÜÜÛ Û ÜÛÜ Û ÜÜÜÛ ÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ Ü Ü ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ Û ÛÜÜÜ ÛÜÜÜ Û Û ÛÜ ÛÜÜÜ ÜÛÜ ÜÜÜÛ ÜÜÜÛ ÛÜÜÛ ÛÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÛ ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜ Ü ÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ Û Û ÛÜÜÜ Û ÛÜÜÛ Û Û Û Û ÛÜÜÛ ÛÜÜÛ ÜÜÛ ÛÜÜÛ ÜÜÜÛ ÜÜÛ Û Û Û ÛÜÛ ÜÛÜ ÜÜÜÛ ÜÜÜÛ ÜÜÜÛ ÚÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄ¿ ÀÀÀ³¿¿¿ ÀÀÀ³¿¿¿ ÀÀÀ³¿¿¿ ÀÀÀ³¿¿¿ ÀÀÀ³¿¿¿ ÀÀÀ³¿¿¿ ÀÀÀ³¿¿¿ ÀÀÀ³¿¿¿ ÀÀÀ³¿¿¿ ÀÀÀ³¿¿¿ ÀÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÙ Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early by Predat0r --------------------------------------------------------- 1. My kids are locked outside. 2. My kids are locked inside. 3. My kids are stuck in the door. 4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies. 5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies -- she's much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying. 6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come. 7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come. 8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up. 9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the ceremony. 10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9). 11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half an hour it'll be locked up all weekend. 12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide awake). 13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today. 14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today. 15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today. 16. My truss snapped. 17. My support hose popped. 18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue. 19. I'm arranging financing for a house. 20. I'm arranging financing for a car. 21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast. 22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it. 23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it. 24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate, it's extremely effective. 25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel. 26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA. 27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale. 28. My back aches. 29. My stomach aches. 30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover," especially if offered in the early afternoon.) 31. My biological clock is ticking. 32. I have to take my biological clock in for service. 33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached. 34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn. 35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode. 36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother. 37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister. 38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother. 39. I have to take my mother to the doctor. 40. I have to take my minister to the doctor. 41. I have to take my doctor to my minister. 42. I think I left the iron on. 43. I think I left the water on. 44. I think I left the refrigerator on. 45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings. 46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test. 47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom. 48. I have to have my waistband let out. 49. I have to have my watchband let out. 50. I have to have my son's rock band let out. 51. I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won't be able to work afterwards. 52. I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won't be able to work afterwards. 53. I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or two so I won't be able to work afterwards. 54. I'm having a root canal. 55. I'm having a tax audit. 56. I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?) 57. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification. 58. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution. 59. I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home. 60. I have to renew my driver's license. 61. I have to get new license plates. 62. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new license plates. 63. I've got an urgent session with my therapist. 64. I've got a really urgent session with my therapist. 65. I've ... I ... I'm not ... I don't ... I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!! 66. I have to get my contact lenses fitted. 67. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted. 68. I have to get my big toe calibrated. 69. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town. 70. My rheumatism is acting up; there's going to be a terrible tornado. 71. 's going to be a terrible blizzard. 72. The pharaoh is acting up; there's going to be a terrible rain of frogs. 73. I need to give blood. 74. I need to give evidence. 75. I need to give up. 76. I'm going to my best friend's engagement party. 77. I'm going to my best friend's wedding. 78. I'm going to my best friend's divorce. (We all knew it wouldn't last; at the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.) 79. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return. 80. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm going to be arrested. 81. The police are at the back door. Cover me. 82. I'm having my nails done. 83. I'm having my colors done. 84. I'm having my head examined. 85. I'm going to the bank. 86. I'm going to sleep. 87. I'm going over the edge. 88. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital. 89. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor. 90. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo. 91. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer. 92. I need to check into a rest home. 93. I'm breaking in my shoes. 94. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. 95. I'm breaking out. 96. I have to pick up my dry cleaning. 97. I have to pick out a car. 98. I have to pick on my kids. 99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists. I thought I'd go to a ball game instead. Definition of a Twit ---------- -- - ---- Ripped from Bbs Land o Twits love DOWNLOADING. Uploading is for simpletons who can't tell whether they are coming or going. If Twits designed modems, we'd all have one which downloads at 18.2 K-Baud, and uploads at 300 baud. If Twits wrote protocols, the smallest block they could receive would be 10 megs. o Twits can't READ or COUNT. This is evidenced by their total inability to comprehend System Rules, or Upload/Download Ratio's. But, for some strange reason, they can still use a computer. Because of this handicap, most Twits are unemployed. It is a miracle that most of them haven't been retained by the State to pick up trash on the expressways. They'd gladly volunteer for it, if it could be done with a modem and they were called "Remote-Trash Downloaders". o Twits feel that the proper way to leave a board is to drop the carrier. They do this because they don't want to waste their valuable time exiting via the "Goodbye" command, when they could spend that time calling another board. o Twits NEVER leave messages, unless it is rude, crude, or socially unacceptable. If an exception to this exists, it will probably be a creative one-liner such as "Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Twits rarely reply to messages. Unless they enter a one-liner such as the one above. o Twits NEVER communicate with SysOps, unless it is to ask WHY such and such file is unavailable, demand access to the "Private Area's", or gripe about something. Mail from the SysOp is considered to be the electronic equivalent of "Junk-Mail", and should be ignored. In fact, there should be some form of law to stop it from being written. o Twits NEVER pay for access to a computer system. They see themselves as latter-day "Robin-Hoods", taking from the rich (SysOps) and giving to the Poor (Themselves). Their motto: "If it isn't free, it isn't worth having." o Twits NEED multiple user names and logon passwords on each board they call. This is the measure of their Twit-dom, and reflects their true status in the Twit-community. A Twit with only ONE user name and logon password per board is a FAILURE, & faces censure and possible expulsion from their peer group. (It is no wonder that Twits exhibit schizo-tendancies). o Twits know EVERYTHING. Just ask them. But, it'd take a crow-bar and dynamite to get any useful information out of them. These self-professed "experts" will RARELY stoop so low as to assist someone who may genuinely need some help. After all, a REAL "hacker" never needs or asks for help. o A Twit would not be caught dead using their REAL NAME when calling a BBS. In fact, Twits refuse to leave anything more involved than a handle when registering with a BBS. (EVERYONE knows who "Slinky Toy" is!!!) The ONLY exception to this rule is that they will often use SOMEONE ELSE's real name. Or, they may use the name of a Heavy-Metal rock & roll group. (Imagine a system where everyone is named "Guns&Roses") o Twits NEVER register their Shareware. Cash is what they use to buy faster modems. Program Authors are neurotic-compulsives, and if they did not serve a purpose, Twits would have them abolished completely. o Twits ADORE Sprint, MCI, and other long-distance credit card numbers, IF they belong to someone else. This also applies to COMPUSERV, SOURCE, etc. Their motto is: "If you can't steal it, it can't be much fun". o A Twit is a "BBS Connoisseur". They KNOW which BBS software is BEST and how your system SHOULD look and run. They will not hesitate to inform you if it fails to meet their demanding and rigid expectations. (They consider this a "Public Service") However, they would NEVER trouble themselves to run their OWN bbs. That might take valuable time away from their duties as "Remotes" on the boards they spend all their waking moments calling. o Twits LOVE to page the SysOp, often just for the sheer hell of it. They are most fond of "Late-Night" paging. This is the perfect time for them to explain the infallable logic as to why they should be given Remote-SysOp access to your system. Their second most favored reason for wanting to chat is "Just checking to see if you were THERE!" o Twits cannot comprehend WHY the IBM program they just downloaded won't run on their Atari 800. After all, programs are programs, right? And, any fool knows that a 32K machine can hold a 200K program. o Twits can't TOLERATE seeing a command that they can't use. Their motto is "try, try again". If it didn't work the first time, it HAS to work on the second, third, fourth, etc. No self-respecting SysOp would intentionally offer them anything less than TOTAL ACCESS. o Twits are FASCINATED by DOS. Their quest for it rivals the search for the legendary "Holy-Grail". They MUST reach it, through their modem, or all is lost. What they would do with it if they reached it, is probably a lot like what a dog who chases cars would would do with one if he managed to catch it. (Pee on the tires?) o Twits are totally ENGROSSED by hardware. They can conceive of the most unborthodox, outrageous, and potentially lethal contraptions known on Earth. Occasionally, these "time-bombs" actually work. Any difficulties they experience with their computers will fall under the heading of "Miscegenation", or "Poetic Justice". o Twits CRAVE the LATEST version of "Goober-Pods", or "Space-Weenies". To reward the SysOp for access to such mega-byte gems, they will upload VALUABLE and USEFUL programs in return. Such as "Weasel-Stompers" for the Commodore-64, providing it is less than 10K in size. o A Twit NEVER uses applications programs, and NEVER writes programs. (Programs are what Twits DOWNLOAD, and most can just BARELY write or spell) Their motto: "If you don't need a joystick to play it, it isn't worth having". o A real Twit will FLATLY REFUSE to use ANY compression method on files they intend to upload. After all, SysOps sit and twiddle their thumbs waiting on something to do, and should be GRATEFUL that they get ANY uploads, EVER! They also refuse to upload documentation. (It is crutch for weak minds and the hallmark of the Geek) o Twits SUFFER if there are no "NEW" files on the system. There may be a correlation between "NEW" files and Twits, much as there is one which exists between dog-excrement and flies. The only difference is that flies usually leave after eating their fill. Twits don't. o Twits desperately NEED to become Remote-Sysops. They KNOW that EVERYONE else on the system has SysOp capabilities, and don't want to be excluded from all the fun! (Are all Twits created equal?) o Twits think that the "Caps Lock" key must be activated in order to properly leave a message on a board. They think that their message is of such great importance that it must be screamed at everyone. o Occasionally an above average Twit who discovers that modeming can be a two way street will attempt to get around upload\download ratios by renaming the same program fifteen or twenty times and using it to fill the sysop's hard disk with redundant programs. After all, rules were meant to be broken, right? How to pass a lie detector test! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ by: The Misfits 05 - Jan - 1993 When someone hooks you up to a lie detector, they are measuring your physical responses to psychological stimuli. It's something like watching you to see if you blush. There are four levels they can measure. 1. Your response when you are just sitting there, not being asked anything. 2. Your response when you are asked a question you would have no reason to lie about. "What is your name?" 3. Your response when asked a question they consider personal or embarassing to most people. "Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have sex with your mother?" I think only the government would have enough nerve to actually do this. 4. Your response to the questions they suspect you might lie about. What they are looking for is whether your #4 responses are closer to #2 or #3, and if the difference is significant with respect to #1. If your response level to #3 is much higher than any of the others, you are clearly telling the truth about #4. If your responses to #1, #2, and #4 are low, and #3 is high, they think you are telling the truth. If your responses to #1, #2, #3, and #4 are all the same, they think that you are either a psychopath or extremely well-adjusted and telling the truth. If your responses to #1 and #2 are low but #3 and #4 are high, they think you are lying. If your responses to #2, #3, and #4 are high, they think you are very nervous and they call the result "inconclusive." This last result is easiest for normal people to fake. Just think about something embarrasing every time they ask you a question. Don't relax, except between questions. A more risky alternative would be to try to relax during the questions you're going to lie about, but not during the "embarrasing" questions. If successful, this would produce the "normal truth" result they like the best. If it failed, it would give the "lie" result. If you take some sort of tranquilizer beforehand, you may be able to relax enough to get the "psychopath" response. It will probably not get you hired, though. One practice method would be to hook yourself up to an ohmmeter. One wire wrapped around your left index finger, the other wrapped around your right. If the reading drops from (say) 100 K-Ohms to a third of that, you just "lied." Wear this into a police station, or a courtroom, or to your fathers house, and practice lying. See how you do. Disclaimer: I have never actually taken a lie detector test. I learned this from books and Psych courses. $#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$# Title: PukeBomb By: Sinister X Date: 05 - Jan - 1993 UGH! I think I have just seen the most tasteless job in the world! Its a car cleaner for the NYC Subway System. It was about 3:30am Saturday, and I was heading home from bar hopping, and I am waiting in the station for my train. Well, at this time at night, they will take alternate trains out of service and clean them. Well, here I am, waiting at this train station, when I hear some commotion on the other track. Well, being the sick puppy I am, I figured "Wow, cool! Some drunk bum fell on the tracks!" Anyway, I stumble over to the other track and see a train parked there with a cleaning crew running around like chickens with no head.. I start thinking this must be really bad to have the people running around like this, hollering and running and such. I hear someone say "Hey Joe! Bring the hose over here QUICK!". I am dying with curiousity at this point, I cannot stand it! I walk over to the car where everyone working, and peer in. God, I almost hurled!!!!! This was my sight: Inside the car, (for those who have not had the chance to ride the wonderful NYC Trains, the cars have seats that run down the lengths of both sides of the car facing each other, like this:) ----------------------------------------- ( SEATS SEATS SEATS ) F (-----------------------------------------) B R ( ) A O ( ) C N (-----------------------------------------) K T ( SEATS SEATS SEATS ) ----------------------------------------- Anyway, I peer in, and see what appears to be the results of a BarfBomb. There was multi-colored steaming puke EVERYWHERE!! On the seats, on the windows, on the advertisements, on the floor. EVERYWHERE! God, the stench of puke was permeating the air. I almost blew chunks myself. From the shear volume of puke, and the different colors of it, I believe it was a MassPeoplePuke, My theory is a group of people were out drinking, and someone got sick, and hurled, then the others smelling and viewing the puke, they themselves puked! God, the sight was sick! There are about 5 guys in the car attempting to clean this puke up. One had a hose and was trying to was it away, all the others had putty knives scraping the puke up. Never, I have never felt soo much pity for a guy doing his job before. It was really putrid in that car... UGh! Whew... it was bad! %^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^ Stolen from Bbs Land and presented by The Misfits CD-ROM Conference Common Answer Guide compiled by Ted Tang (please distribute freely, released to the public domain) ANSWERS TO COMMON QUESTIONS --------------------------- AUDIO CD PLAYER TO CD-ROM DRIVE ------------------------------- No, you cannot convert your CD audio player into a CD-ROM drive. But, Bill Hemmings of 1:300/11 claims: I should get a nickle for all the times the question has been asked "can I use a cheap ordinary cd-rom drive for computer data". And a dollar for all the wrong answers. Because, it turns out, it not only can be done, but it's cheap. I'm not going to go into the details here, because my opinion is that it's not worth the trouble. But for those on a REALLY short shoestring, check out the July/ August issue of 'Midnight Engineering'. Everything you need to read the digital data stream is there. You'll need a device driver, however, to interface to DOS. You can order the magazine from 303-225-1410 if you can't find it on the newstand. Tell 'em I sent ya. Maybe they'll give me a free issue. Or something. Bigfoot's RBBS - Tucson,AZ - HST - (8:902/1) or (1:300/11.0) [I read the article. It sounds like it would take a lot of technical expertise to get the computer to control the CD player. The experiment was for playing around with digital music, not reading CD-ROM discs.] CD-ROM SUPPORT FILES -------------------- I have a large collection of CD-ROM support & information files. You may either FREQ: HARDWARE for a list or call my BBS and download on your first call. See credits below. DAK --- Is selling a BSR CD-ROM drive which is actually a Sony drive. 380 ms, 8 K buffer, $399. But is it really SCSI? No one seems to know for certain! drive: CDU 6201-20 external CDU-531 internal interface: CDB-242 interface BUS -OR- DTC3280A "SCSI" Controller 8-bit, pseudo SCSI? Doors/BBS Usage --------------- Most CD-ROM databases, including encyclopedias, do not permit you to install on a BBS for public access. Errors ------ Experiencing disc read errors? Try cleaning the lens with a CD lens cleaner available at any audio store and clean the disc. Disc access slow? Try increasing MSCDEX buffers. Microsoft Bookshelf ------------------- IME is selling them for $59. Microsoft CD-ROM Extension -------------------------- Non-removable TSR that configures your CD-ROM drive to behave like a network drive/device. Supposedly, you can get the latest version on Compu$erve. Otherwise, it is available from your dealer but not Microsoft. With DOS 5.0, you must use SETVER. Here's a brief summary of command line options- MSCDEX [/E/K/S/V] [/D: ... ] [/L:] [/M:] option: /E Use expanded memory for cache /K Include support for Kanji character set /S Network server support /V View setup on installation /L:[C-Z] DOS drive letter to use /M:[4-xx] Cache size, 16=32K /D:[name] Device driver name [I don't know how multiple CD-ROM drivers would be defined] Tandy CDR-1000 CD-ROM Reader ---------------------------- access time 800 ms, data rate 150 Kb/s, Mitsumi brand, no internal cache, drawer loading. Passed by Sierra for multimedia. Price $399 Definitions ----------- CD-ROM ------ Means "Compact Disc Read-Only Media". It is exactly the same thing as the audio CD except for just music, it also contains data. Introduced in 1984. CD-I - Interactive ------------------------------- A Sony-Philips developed consumer oriented CD based video and audio system combining hardware and software. A home consumer version of CD-ROM, with music, pictures, and partial-screen motion video that plugs into a TV set and stereo. CD-I gives a variety of high quality digital pictures, including still photographs, graphics, and animation; and it delivers four grades of sound from AM quality for narration to CD digital audio style high-fidelity for music. However, moving video is currently only possible on 40% of the screen. CD-I is designed to deliver interactive entertainment (anything from encyclopedias to games). CD-I offers ease of use by having a microprocessor built into the CD-I player, which hooks up to a TV set and stereo system and plays audio and video CDs as well as CD-I specific applications (no microcomputer is required). The user interacts with the program using a pointing device such as a joystick or mouse.(1) CD-ROM XA - Extended Architecture ----------------------------------------------------------------- A CD that is a hybrid of CD-ROM and CD-I proposed by Philips, Sony, and Microsoft. This technology requires a microcomputer and gives CD-ROM users the ability to access some of CD-I's audio and video features, and CD-I users the ability to play some (but not all) CD-ROM XA discs.(1) CD-ROM WO - Write Once ---------------------- Aka "Frankfurt Group Proposal" Proposed successor to the ISO 9660:1988 standard to support CD-WO hardware and X/Open or IEEE POSIX file systems. Contact Sun Microsystems. Sony has marketed a re-writable CD-ROM system for in-house publishing. Cost $20,000 CDTV ---- Available from Commodore. Magneto-optical --------------- Magnetic media utilizing optical tracking. Not CD-ROM compatible. Rock Ridge Group ---------------- Proposed extension to ISO 9660:1988 to provide for X/Open or IEEE POSIX file systems. Contact HP or Sun Microsystems. WORM ---- Means "Write Once Read Many". Not CD-ROM compatible. DRIVES ------ Access Time: rated time it takes for the CD-ROM drive to seek to the requested position on the disc, usually 300-1500ms. See stroke for max access time spec. Audio: most CD-ROM drives have stereo audio capability and simply require software to play a CD-Audio disc; such drives will usually have a headphone jack, volume control, and/or line out jacks; some have such jacks directly on the interface card. Buffer/Cache: The CD-ROM drive hardware cache is the internal buffer size. It ranges from 0-64K. For software cache, see Microsoft Extension. Caddy: provide extra protection to CD-ROM disc at additional cost. Some people complain they rattle. Not all drives use a caddy (top or drawer loading). compatibility- Sony/Toshiba/Amdek/Chinon/Apple type Access type Philips type rumored best price: EduCorp $5.50/10 Data transfer rate: 150-171 Kb/sec depending on interface. Device driver: hardware specific software that handles low-level calls to CD-ROM hardware. Young Minds driver ------------------ "Universal driver". Allows the DRM-600 to automagically change cd-roms if you need to use a different disc. Error correction technique: CIRC, EDC/ECC Interface: CD-ROM drives are either proprietary serial or SCSI. Jukebox: Pioneer DRM-600/610 CD-ROM Changer (6-cd jukebox unit) only one known in existance. Repair: CD ROM Doctor. He currently repairs all makes of Toshiba, and is now expanding into various SONY Models and Hitachi Models - currently 1703 and 1503S. He generally charge s $100.00 for a cleaning, adjustment, and small repairs. He also has a 2 week turnaround time which beats repair by manufacturer and he is both friendly and professional. Stroke: measurement of arm movement from inner to outter track, in CD-ROM drive case, the laser. See access time. Data Discman ------------ By Sony. A hand-held "Electronic Book" that plays 8-cm optical discs in both CD-ROM and CD Audio format and includes built-in retrieval software along with a high-resolution LCD display to provide a completely portable, self-contained database access device. Capable of holding around 200 meg of information. The Wall Street Journal says that Sony yesterday announced November availability of the Data Discman in the US. Size of a thick paperback book; weight about 2 pounds. Suggested retail of $549.95 which includes 3 starter disks: Compton's Concise Encyclopedia, the Wellness Encyclopedia, and the World Travel Translator. More than 20 disks will be available by December 25, including the Bible, a wine guide, and a moview review guide, all selling for between $30 and $130. The US model is different from the Japanese model with a larger screen. Sony says that there will eventually be different versions with varied prices and capabilities. DISCS ----- Capacity: 540-720 megs per side (CD-ROM discs are rarely double sided) depending on format. Coating: polycarbonate material (plastic) Disc or disk: Use "disc" to refer to optical media and "disk" for magnetic media. Format: foreign file access, HFS- compatible on Mac. High Sierra Group (HSG)- HS allows 4 path tables per byte ordering vs 2 ISO 9660 allows. ISO 9660 date formats have an additional field for offset from UTC. Pseudo compatible with ISO 9660. Docs supposedly available on Compu$erve. ISO9660- international standards organization, ANSI standard recording format for CD-ROM discs. Single case 31(8+3) character file names; limited 8 subdirectory depth. Compatible on PCs, Mac, & Sun. Kodak- photo/image storage red book- CD audio specs (44.1 Mhz) yellow book- ??? Life: 25+ years Medium: information is pressed on alluminum as pits or lands. Archival disc ------------- Century Disc. Gold medium in between very hard tempered glass using mineral based protective coating. Designed to last 100-3000 years. LATEST VERSIONS --------------- Alde Vol. 3 No. 1 Carrs PDSI-004 CD-ROMs in Print, 1991 ed, $125.00 (7/31/91) Grolier's Encyclopedia (aka Software Toolworks) 1991 ed Meridian CDNET software 4.1 Microsoft Bookshelf 1991 Microsoft CDROM extensions v. 2.20 PC-SIG Library, 9th ed (1991) $295 (2) RBBS-In-A-Box (RIAB) Vol 3.1 No. 1 ROM1, ROM2: 18,000 ZIPped files; 100 subdirectories, $80 each Rock Ridge 1.09 Silver Platter software 2.01 SUN User Group CD-ROM, 1991 ed Books, Magazines, Conferences & Groups -------------------------------------- "alt.cd-rom" Internet Usenet conference "Brady Guide to CD-ROM" by Laura Buddine & Elizabeth Young "CD-Rom Collection Builder's Toolkit" Softcover 190 Pages. $29.95 from Online Inc. "CD-ROM End User Magazine" (defunct?), Helgerson Associates, Inc, free "CD-ROM Extensions Information Packet" Microsoft "CD-ROMs in Print 1991: The Book Version" Comprehensive international coverage of over 1,400 CD-ROMs. Up to 25 items of information on each CD-ROM in the Optical Product Directory. A NEW Macintosh Title Index. Annually in November. ISBN 0-88736-587-6 $49.50 "CD-ROMs in Print 1991: The CD-ROM Version" Provides detailed information on the 1630 Cd-ROMs currently available. Each record in this database has up to 26 items of information. $175.00 CD-ROM ISBN 0-88736-732-1 "CD-ROM Librarian Magazine" includes monthly update to "CD-ROMs in Print". "CD-ROM Local Area Networks: A User's Guide," edited by Norman Desmarais. Just published by Meckler Ltd. It's 175 pages and costs 21 pounds... no U.S. price listed, but Meckler has an office in Westport, Conn. ISBN is 0-88736-700-3 "CD-ROM Professional Magazine" Pemberton Press, Inc, Adam Pemberton, president/publisher, rate: $86/year (bimonthly) "CD-ROMS: Breakthrough in Information Storage" by Frederick Holtz Tab Books, 1988, TK7882.C56H65 "CD-ROM USERS GROUP" They have special offers to members. Membership is FREE. They recently had a 7-PAC of CD-ROM discs for $69. Numerous PC titles to choose from. "CDROM" Fidonet Echomail conference; Bob Hall, moderator "DISC Magazine" (defunct?), Helgerson Associates, Inc "Ebsco CD-ROM Handbook" Ebsco Subscription Services "Information processing - Volume and file structure of CD-ROM for information interchange" from ANSI, ECMA, or GED "MS-DOS Extensions" Microsoft Press "MS-DOS CD-ROM Extensions Programmer's Reference Manual" Laser Magnetic Storage Intl. Specify document number 75117166C. $11 "Nautilaus" monthly CD-ROM publication designed to provide a multi-disciplinary forum to present and discuss multimedia applications. Linda Davies, Ph.D., contributing editor for the Macintosh version, and Sharon Summers Ph.D for the Windows 3.0 version "optiC-Digest Magazine" rates 3 months 4 months base $39.95 $49.95 int'l +$45.00 +$60.00 CN +$15.00 +$20.00 "Special Interest Group on CD-ROM Applications & Technology" (SIGCAT) User group sponsored by the U.S. Geological Survey which is devoted to the investigation of CD-ROM technology. Free membership. "USGS Library/SIGCAT CD-ROM Compendium" U.S. Geological Survey Open-File Report 91-40. Great listing of lots of government CD-ROM's Mastering --------- Data Index Preperation: You do this Input medium: disks, ANSI labeled tapes, discs Pre-Mastering: Conversion to your data & data files to a file system (ISO 9660, High Serria (now obsolete), or Mac HFS) This is $100 to $500 per setup. Meridian Data, Inc & Young Minds sells in-house pre-mastering software. Mastering: This makes a pressing master. Varies from $800 for 2 week turn-around to $2,300 SAME DAY SERVICE! Replication: $1.30/disk. Add $.35 per disk if in a jewell box. Minimum pressing run of $300 (about 230 disk). Plants: 3M Optical Recording American Helix Denon Devon Corporation Digital Audio Disc Corp Disc Manufacturing, Inc Discovery Systems Disk Manufacturing Inc JVC Disc America Company Nimbus Information Systems Optical Disk Mastering Phillips/DuPont Technetronics Inc Addresses --------- 3M Optical Recording, 612-733-3000 Alde Publishing 6520 Edenvale Blvd., Ste. 118, Eden Prairie, MN 55346 800-727-9724; 612-934-4239 FAX: 612-934-2824 American Helix, 717-392-7840 American National Standards Institute 1430 Broadway, NY, NY 10018 TEL: 212 642 4900 Bureau of Electronic Publishing, Inc. 141 New Road, Parsippany, NJ 07054 toll-free 800-828-4766 international 201-808-2700 fax 201-808-2776 Carrs-Night Owl 219 Potomac Ave, Buffalo, MY 14213 fax 716-886-0545 bbs 716-881-5688/5380/5182 (2) CD ROM Doctor, Rick Thomas 18642 El Carmen, Orange, CA 92669 Telephone: (714) 538-3077 CD-ROM Inc, Roger ??? Attention: Department CRS 1667 Cole Blvd, Suite 400, Golden, Colorado 80401 303-231-9373 CD-ROM USERS GROUP, Fred Bellamy, Info-Mart Sales PO BX 2400, Santa Barbara, CA 93120. voice: 805/965-0265 fax: 805/965-5415 CD-Online (call voice, get password, try CD-ROMs for 10 mins each via BBS) voice: 201-080-2700 bbs: 201-808-0085 Comtek, Henry or Leif toll-free 800-767-0668 international 405-524-0668 fax 405-525-9154 Corel Systems Corporation 1600 Carling Ave, Ottawa, Ontario K1Z 8R7 international 613-728-8200 fax 613-761-9177 DAK (contact: Bryan Eggers) 8200 Remmet Ave, Canoga Park, CA 91304 toll-free 800-DAK-0800 800-325-0800 technical 800-888-9818 inquiries 800-888-7808 tdd 800-888-6703 fax 818-888-2837 corporate office 818-888-8220 Denon Corporation, Garden City, NY, 404-342-3032 Digital Audio Disc Corp, 812-466-6821 Disc Manufacturing, Inc Shogo Karitani, Technical Sales CD-ROM Marking 4905 Moores Mill Road, Huntsville, AL 35811-1511 714-630-6700 Discovery Systems, Dublin, OH 614-761-2000 Dr. Linda Davies, Assistant Director of Educational Technology Dykes Library, Division of Educational Technology University of Kansas Medical Center 2100 W. 39th St., Kansas City, Kansas 66103 (913) 588-7342 LD07134@UKANVM Ebsco Subscription Services 1-800-221-1826. ECMA Headquarters Rue de Rhone 114, CH-1204 Geneva, Switzerland EduCorp 7434 Trade Street, San Diego, CA 92121-2410 toll-free 800-843-9497 Future Domain Corp 2801 McGraw Ave, Irvine, CA 92714 714-253-0400 Global Engineering Documents TEL: 714 261 1455 Hall, Bob, CDROM Echomail conference moderator Ellis Enterprises 4205 McAuley Blvd. #385, Oklahoma City, OK 73120 toll-free 800-729-9500 international 405-749-0273 fax 405-751-5168 Fidonet 1:147/23 Helgerson Associates, Inc 510 N Washington St, Suite 401, Falls Church, VA 22046-3537 703-237-0682 Hewlett-Packard, Bob Niland 3404 East Harmony Road, Fort Collins, CO 80525-9599 atten: Bob Niland MS66 Internet: rjn@FC.HP.COM UUCP: hplabs!hpfcrjn!rjn AT&T: (303) 229-4014 Hitachi America Los Angeles, CA international 213-537-8383 IME Computers 1340 Soldiers Field Road, Boston, MA 02135 toll-free 800-999-1911 international 617-254-1700 fax 617-254-0392 JVC Disc America Company, 205-554-7111 Laser Magnetic Storage Intl 4425 Arrows West Drive, Colorado Springs, CO 80907-3489 Meridian Data, Inc. 5615 Scotts Valley Dr., Scotts Valley, CA 95066 international 408-438-3100 fax 408-438-6816 Microsoft, Product Support Services international 206-454-2030 NEC Technologies, Inc. 1255 Michael Drive, Wood Dale, Illinois 60191-1094 general 708-860-9500 technical support 800-FONE-NEC, 708-860-0335 bbs 508-635-6328 HST bbs 508-635-6163 HST/V32 Nimbus Information Systems, Charlottesville, VA 804-985-1100 Online Inc 11 Tannery Lane, Weston, CT 06883 toll free 800-248-8466 fax 203-222-0122 optiC-Digest Magazine Jeff Connors, subscriptions Bob Hall, Editor Dept. CDOPDM, 29200 Vasser Avenue, Suite 200, Livonia, MI 48152 international 313-477-7340 Optical Disk Mastering, 704-542-5303 Optical Media International 485 Alberto Way, Los Gatos, CA 95032 international: 408-395-4332 fax: 408-395-6544 AppleLink: OMI Internet: omi@applelink.apple.com Pemberton Press Inc 11 Tannery Lane, Weston, CT 06883 toll-free 800-248-8466 Philips, Linda Olsen 1898 Leland Ave, Marrieta, Georgia 30067 USA 404-952-0064 Phillips/DuPont, Deleware 800-433-3472 Quanta Press 2239 Carter Avenue, St Paul, Minnesota 55108 international 612-641-0714 fax 612-644-8811 (2) ROM1, ROM2, Rose & Crown BBS bbs 615-892-0017 (before 9:30pm) Sierra toll-free 800-326-6654 international 209-683-4468 SIGCAT ------ E. J. (Jerry) McFaul, Chair, SIGCAT U.S. Geological Survey 904 National Center, Reston, VA 22092-9998 SIGS: SEARCH SOFTWARE Working Group George Knapp, Geological Survey, 703-648-6823 SIGLIT - Library Information Technology Susan David, Library of Congress, 202-707-7169 SIGACE - Application of CD-ROM in Education Sheldon Fisher, Dept of Education, 202-219-1699 CIAS - CD-ROM Index Architecture Specification Cpt Larry Schankin, US Air Force, 617-377-2105 ISO-9660 Mike Rubinfeld, Nat Inst of Stand & Tech, 301-975-3064 CDOWG - CD-ROM Data Origination Working Group Maureen Prettyman, Nat Inst of Health, 301-496-1936 CD-CINC - CD-ROM Consistent Interface Committee Susan David, Chair, SIGLIT, 202-707-7169 Fred Durr, Nat Inf Serv Corp, 301-243-0797 GIS - CD-ROM Working Group Dan Costanzo, Army Eng Topographic Labs, 703-355-2803 SIGTEAL - To Expedite the Accommodation Law Robert Jaquiss, Tektronix Corp, 503-627-4444 Tom Dennison, Todd Enterprises, Inc, 703-379-2842 SIGCLASS Working Group Duane Marquis, Dept of Commerce, 301-261-8002 SIGSGML Working Group John Oster, Oster Associates, Inc, 301-838-1908 Sony Electronic Publishing Company Jackie, Optical Dept, 408-432-0190, 408-372-6579 Greg Smith, National Sales & Marketing Manager, 408-944-4027 Bob Hurley, Eastern Regional Sales & Marketing Manager, 603-595-4331 Keith Dalton, Manager, Systerm Marketing, 703-620-1305 Sharon Summers, RN Ph.D. School of Nursing, University of Kansas Medical Center 39th and Rainbow, Kansas City, KS 66103 (913) 588-1664 1K1SUM@UKANVM Sun Microsystems, Inc (contact: Torn Wong) fax 415-336-6015 Larry Kluger, Software Division Marketing Manager international 415-336-4708 SUN User Group internet office@sun.org international 617-232-0514. Technetronics Inc, West Chester, PA 215-430-6800 Tiger Software 800 Douglas Entrance, Executive Tower, 7th Fl, Coral Gables, Fl 33134 toll-free 800-888-4437 international 305-443-8212 fax 305-443-5010 Todd Enterprises, Inc. 224-49 67th Avenue, Bayside, New York 11364 international 718-343-1040 fax 718-343-918 toll-free 800-445-TODD Trantor Systems 5415 Randall Place, Fremont, CA 94538 international: 415-770-1400, 415-770-9910 AppleLink: Trantor Internet: trantor@applelink.apple.com U.S. Geological Survey, Earth Science Information Center 507 National Center, Reston, VA 22092 international 703-648-6045 toll-free 800-USA-MAPS 800-872-6277 Daniel K. Cavanaugh, 703+648-5908 US Geological Survey Library, National Center, MS 950 Systems Section Reston VA 22092-9998 international 703-648-7047 World Library Inc. 12894 Haster Street, Garden Grove, CA 92640 Young Minds Inc. Tel: (714) 335-1350 Fax: (714) 798-0488 E-Mail: yngmnds!mailstop@ucrmath.ucr.edu DISCLAIMER ---------- I have no association with any business entity except as a consumer. The above was provided as information only and does not consistute endorsement. The above information is correct to the best of my knowledge but you should always verify yourself. COMMENTS -------- Comments, additions, corrections, and deletions to this text are welcome. Please send them to me for preparing the next update. No attempt will be made to list all models of CD-ROM drives nor all CD-ROM discs available. CREDITS ------- fidonet: Ted Tang @ 1:154/386.0 bbs: Digital Future BBS 414-964-0386 usmail: 3234 N Cambridge Ave, Apt D, Milwaukee, WI 53211 USA telco: 414-964-8756 (1) Peter Dettelis of COSUG BBS: Colorado Springs PC User Group (719)632-2566 (1:128/13) (2) Trev Roydhouse of Sentry -- Sydney, New South Wales, Australia (3:711/401.0) All trademarks belong to their respected owner. I would add the following two publications to your list, especially since they are so heavily detailed and are sort of 'pioneers' in the field: CD ROM The New Papyrus - Steve Lambert and Suzanne Ropiequet, editors.Microsoft Press, 1986 - 626 pages . Various detailed articles covering CD Systems, producing CD-ROMs, elements . of design, project management, CD-ROM publishing, applications and . resources. CD ROM Volume 2: Optical Publishing - Suzanne Ropiequet with John Einberger and Bill Zoellick, editors. Microsoft Press, 1987 - 342 pages . Evaluating and defining the storage and retrieval method . Collecting and preparing text, images and sound . Converting data formats . Structuring and indexing data . Logical formatting . Premastering and mastering . Data updating strategies . Data protection and copyrighting, and much more I know that you are not planning to list available discs, but the collection of Voyager images from outer space is so unique and economical ($120.00 for 12 discs and many thousands of images) it might be accorded a special mention. _+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+ EXCERPTS FROM: Y O U N G ' S D E M O N S T R A T I V E T R A N S L A T I O N O F S C I E N T I F I C S E C R E T S ; O R A C O L L E C T I O N O F A B O V E 5 0 0 U S E F U L R E C E I P T S O N A V A R I E T Y O F S U B J E C T S T O R O N T O P R I N T E D B Y R O W S E L L & E L L I S, K I N G S T R E E T E A S T ---------- 1 8 6 1 433. MEDICINES The following medicines are for man, while those commencing at receipt No. 331, and ending at No. 392 are for horses, cattle, &c., unless when stated to the contrary. 434. FOR DROPSY Take of powdered jalap 5 gr., powdered rhubarb 5 gr., powdered scammony 5 gr., powdered elaterium 1/2 gr., bitartrate of potash 1/2 drm., sulphate of potash 1/2 drm., and syrup of ginger sufficient to make into pills; mix and divide into five pills. These five pills given at once form an excellent hydragogue cathartic to clear the chest, relieve breathing and diminish the dropsical effusion. 435. ANTIBILIOUS PILLS Take of camomel 20 grs., jalap powder 20 grs., tartar-emetic 2 grs., and syrup sufficient to form into pills; divide into eight pills. The dose is tow at bed time; repeated in the morning if necessary. This forms an excellent antibilious pill. 436. JAUNDICE Take of rhubarb powder 1 scruple, castile soap half a drachm, calomel 12 grs., mix and divide into pills; two or three to be taken at bed time; emetrics, purges, fomentations about the stomach and liver, and exercise will seldom fail to cure jaundice when it is a simple disease; and when complicated with dropsy, a scirrous liver, or other chronic complaints, it is hardly to be cured by any means. Castile soap has been looked upon as a kind of specific. 437. ASTHMA Take of powdered squills 2 drms., powdered assafoetida 1 drachm, mix and divide into 30 pills, two to be taken twice or thrice a day. Useful in chronic asthma. 438. DR. DEWEES' ANTI-COLIC MIXTURE Take of carbonate of magnesia 1/2 drm., tincture of assafoetida 60 drops, tincture of opium 20 drops, white sugar 1 drm., and distilled water 1 oz.; mix and shake; twenty-five drops to be given to an infant of two to four weeks old, in flatulent colic, diarrhoea, &c. 439. DR. HUN'S ANTI-DIARRHOEAL MIXTURE Take of oil of cajeput 1 oz., oil of cloves 1 oz., oil of peppermint 1 oz., oil of anise 1 oz., alcohol 4 oz.; mix and shake; dose, from one to two drachms in hot brandy and water or syrup. This will afford the most speedy relief in diarrhoea accompanied with pain. 440. HOPE'S MIXTURE Take of camphor water 4 oz., nitric acid 4 drops, tincture of opium 40 to 60 drops; mix cork, and shake; dose, a tablespoonful every two hours in diarrhoea and dysentery. 441. ANTI-CHOLERA MIXTURE Take of tincture of opium 1 drm., liquor ammonia 1/2 drm., tincture of the oil of peppermint 1/2 drm., ether 25 drops, tincture of camphor 1 drm., tincture of capsicum, 1 drachm; mix, cork and shake. In real cholera give this all immediately; if the patient throws it up, repeat at once. This is an excellent prescription in extreme cases when the patient is cramped. 442. FOR HYSTERIC FITS Take of tincture assafoetida 2 drms., aromatic spirits of ammonia 2 drms., camphor water 7 ozs., mix and cork; give two tablespoonsful every three or four hours. 443. ANTI-ASTHMATIC MIXTURE Take of mixture of ammoniacum 4 oz., syrup of squill 3 drms., antimonial wine 60 drops, wine 1/2 oz., mix and cork. Give two tablespoonsful often, or when either the cough or shortness of breath is troublesome. 444. ANTI-RHEUMATIC MIXTURE Take of ammoniated tinc. of quack 1/2 oz., honey 1/2 oz., camphor water 6 oz., mix and cork. Take two tablespoonsful three or four times a day in chronic rheumatism; rub well the affected part with anti-rheumatic liniment. 445. ANTI-RHEUMATIC LINIMENT Take of tinc. of opium 2 oz., tine of belladonna 2 oz., powdered camphor 2 oz., oil of turpentine 2 oz., oil of sassafras 2 oz., oil of origanum 2 oz., and tinc. of capsicum 1 pint; mix all together. 446. DIURETIC MIXTURE Take of peppermint water 5 oz., wine 6 drachms, sweet spirits of nitre 1/2 oz.; mix. Two tablespoonsful to be taken three times a-day in obstruction of urinary passages. 447. SWEATING MIXTURE Take of acetated liquor of ammonia 3 oz., ipecacuanha 10 gr., tincture of oil of peppermint 15 drops, distilled water 5 oz.; mix. Three tablespoonsful to be taken every two hours, until it produces the desired effects. 448. FOR CRAMP IN THE STOMACH Take of ether 2 drms, white sugar 1 1/2 drms., tinc. of opium 60 drops, cinnamon water 2 oz.; mix. Give a teaspoonful every hour in cramp of the stomach. 449. FOR HOOPING COUGH Take of tinc. of assafoetida 1 drm, ipecacuanha 10 gr., tinc. of opium 10 drops, distilled water 2 ozs.; mix. Give to a child two years old a teaspoonful every four hours, increasing ten drops for every additional year. 450. FOR WINTER COUGH, &c Take of powered extract of liquorice 2 drms, gum acacia 2 drms, hot water 4 oz.; mix. Let all dissolve, and add tinc. of opium 40 drops, spirits of nitric ether 1 drm., wine of antimony 2 drms. Dose, one tablespoonful in catarrh and common winter cough. 451. TONIC MIXTURE Take of calomba 2 ozs., tine. of muriate of iron 1 1/2 oz., sulphate of quinine 20 grs., brandy 6 ozs., water 1 1/2 pint, bruise the calumba and pour the water on it boiling hot, cover tightly for two hours, then strain, bottle, and add all the other ingredients, when the quinine is dissolved it is ready for use. This forms an excellent tonic in cases of debility. Dose, one tablespoonful three times a-day half an hour before meals. 452. ANTI-PERIODIC MIXTURE Take of sulphate of quinine 20 grs., sulphuric acid 1 drop, white sugar 1 drm., cinnamon water 2 1/2,; put the quinine, acid and water into a vial together, when dissolved add the sugar. Dose, a teaspoonful every hour, between the paroxysms of intermittent fevers, fever and ague, &c. 453. EMMENAGOGUE MIXTURE Take of tinc. of aloes 1/2 oz., tinc. of chloride of iron 1/2 drm., tinc. of valerian 1/2 oz.; mix. Take a teaspoonful in chamomile tea two or three times a-day in cases of amenorrhoea. 454. ANTI-GOUT MIXTURE Take of ammoniated tinc. of guaiac 6 drms., camphor water 6 ozs., tinc. of rhubarb 1/2 oz., and honey 1/2 oz.; mix, by rubbing the honey and the guaiac up in a glass mortar, and then add the other articles by degrees. Give two tablespoonsful every four or six hours, and rub with the anti-rheumatic liniment. 455. ANTI-GONORRHOEAL MIXTURE Take of copaibe 1/2 oz., spirts of nitric ether 1/2 oz., powdered acacia 1 drm., powered white sugar 1 drm., compound spts. of lavender 2 drms., tinc. of opium 1 drm., distilled water 4 oz.; mix. Dose, a tablespoonful three times a-day. Shake before using. 456. ANOTHER Take of copaibe 1 oz., sweet spirits of nitre 1 oz., gum acacia powdered white sugar 1 drm., peppermint water 4 oz.; mix, and let all dissolve. Dose, a tablespoonful three times a-day. Shake before using. 457. ASTRINGENT EYE-WATER Take of solution of acetate of lead 12 drops, wine of opium 11 drops, rose water 4 ozs.; mix, and let dissolve. This should be applied with a linen rag four or five times a-day. 458. EYE-WATER Take of distilled vinegar 1 oz., diluted spirits of wine 1/2 oz., rose water 8 ozs., mix. An excellent application to weak eyes after depletion. 459. ALUM EYE-WATER Take of rose water 2 ozs., distilled water 2 oz., and alum 1 scruple; mix and let dissolve. Excellent in chronic inflamations. 460. GARGLE OF BORAX Take of borax 1 drm., tinc. of myrrh 1/2 oz., clarified honey 1 oz., rose or distilled water, 4 oz.; mix. To be used as a gargle or mouth wash in sore mouth or affection of the gums. Omit the myrrh and water, and there is nothing better for the thrush in children; clean rain water answers about the same purpose, in all cases, as distilled water. 461. GARGLE FOR SORE THROAT Take of sulphate of quinine 15 grains, sulphate of copper 16 grains, aramotic sulphuric acid 1 drm., water 8 ozs.; mix and dissolve. To be used frequently in chronic and obstinate sore throats. 462. OINTMENT FOR PILES Take of lard 1 oz., solution of subacetate of lead 25 drops, tinc. of opium 1 drm.; mix well. Anoint the parts twice a day. 463. OINTMENT FOR ITCH Take of sublimed sulphur 2 ozs., lard 4 ozs., oil of lavender 1 drm. Make into an ointment. To be rubbed on the parts affected every night, till the eruption disappears. The internal use of sulphur will, in all cases, assist its external application. 464. BLISTERING OINTMENT Take of lard 32 parts, oil of almonds 2 parts, strong liquor of ammonia 17 parts; melt the lard, add the oil, then the ammonia, must be strong, and keep the contents of the bottle well mixed by shaking them until cold. This will blister in half an hour. 465. IODINE OINTMENT Take of iodine 3 grs., lard 2 drms.; make into an ointment; applied to scrofulous swellings when the skin is unbroken. It is the only cure for what is popularly termed thick neck. 466. OINTMENT OF IODINE OF ZINC Take of iodide of zinc 1 drm., lard 1 oz.; make onto an ointment. A drm. to be rubbed on twice a day in tumors. 467. OINTMENT FOR CHILBLAINS Take of lard 7 1/2 drms., creosote 10 drops, solution of subacetate of lead 10 drops, watery extract of opium 1 grain; mix. Apply to the affected parts. 468. OINTMENT FOR DISEASES OF THE SKIN Take of citrine ointment 1 1/2 drm., sublimed sulphur 1 drm., lard 3 ozs.; make an ointment. This is a good application for almost all affections of the skin. 469. EMOLLIENT OINTMENT Take of palm oil 2 lbs., olive oil 1 pint, turpentine 4 oz., red beeswax 6 ozs.; melt the wax in the oils, and then add the turpentine and strain the ointment. This is a most excellent application for inflamed parts, &c. 470. POKE ROOT OINTMENT Take of poke root 3 ozs., lard 1 lb., boil for a quarter of an hour and strain. This ointment has quite a reputation in Virginia, with the old ladies, for all kinds of old sores and ulcers, and it is an excellent application to indolent and purulent ulcers and sores. 471. OINTMENT FOR HYDROCEPHALUS Take of iodide of mercury 2 parts, iodide of potassium 3 parts, camphor 2 parts, lard 32 parts; mix and keep well corked. To be rubbed on the head in hydrocephalus or water on the brain in doses of half a drachm to a drachm. 472. LINAMENT FOR BURNS Take of olive oil 1 oz., linseed oil 1 oz., lime water 1 oz.; mix well. This forms an excellent application for recent scalds and burns 473. VOLATILE LINAMENT Take of olive oil 1 oz., aqua ammonia 1 oz.; mix. To be applied to bruses, rheumatic parts, &c., and to the neck in inflammation of the throat. 474. ALKALINE CATAPLASM Take of lye, rather weak, warm it and stir in of slippery elm bark or flaxseed, or meal sufficient to form a poultice. This is a most excellent poultice, and should be used more than it is. It is useful in inflammation of the breast and other parts, felons, wounds, fistula, &c. 475. ANODYNE FOMENTATION Take of laudanum 4 ozs., water 1 pint; mix. For painful affections of the joints, as chronic rheumatism, &c., hops dipped in hot vinegar will answer as well. 476. COMMON CLYSTER Take of flaxseed tea or cornmeal gruel, from one to two pints, sweet oil 2 or 3 ounces, common salt one teaspoonful, brown sugar two tablespoonsful; mix. 477. ANODYNE CLYSTER Take of a solution of starch in water, of jelly, or water half a pint, laudanum forty drops; mix. The whole to be injected in cases of dysentery, violent purging and pain in the bowels. 478. INJECTION FOR LEUCORRHOEA Take of sulphate of zinc 10 grs., tinc. of opium 1/2 drm., rose water 4 oz.; mix and dissolve. To be injected several times a day. 479 ANOTHER Take of alum 10 grs., rose water 4 oz.; mix and dissolve. To be used frequently. 480. ESSENCE OF BEEF Take of lean beef sliced 1 lb., put it into a bottle or jar closely corked; place this in a vessel of cold water and boil for an hour or more; then decant and skim the liquid. Chicken tea may be made in the same way. For more nourishing and palatable than beef tea, season it to suit the taste. 481. IMPERIAL DRINK Take of cream of tartar one drm., the outer rind of fresh lemon or orange peel half a drm., loaf sugar one ounce, boiling water two pints. When they have stood in a pitcher about ten minutes, strain off the liquor. This makes a beautiful cooling drink, and is an excellent article in fevers. 482. RINGWORM LOTION Take of sublimate of mercury, 5 grains; spirits of wine, 2 oz.; tinc. of musk, 1 drachm; rose water, 6 oz.; mix well, and rub well in. 483. WHISKERS AND MOUSTACHES The best method of promoting the growth of whiskers and moustaches, is to shave the parts frequently, and use as a stimulant the ashes of burned tobacco macerated in bay water. 484 COUGH SYRUP Take of hoarhound, 1 quart; water 1 quart; mix and boil down to a pint; then add two or three sticks of liquorice and a tablespoonful of essence of lemon; dose, a tablespoonful three times a day, or as often as the cough is troublesome. 485. BLACK SALVE Take of sweet oil 1 oz., linseed oil 1 oz., pulverized red lead 1 oz.; put all into an iron dish over a moderate fire, constantly stirring until you can draw your finger over a drop of it on a board, when a little cool, without sticking; when it is done, spread on a cloth and apply as other slaves. 486. SEIDLITZ POWDERS Take of rochelle salts, 2 drachms; bicarbonate of soda, 2 scruples; put these into a blue paper, and put 35 grains of tartaric acid into a white paper. To use, put each into different tumblers, half fill each with water, and put a little loaf sugar in with the acid, then pour them together and drink; this makes a very pleasant cathartic. Effervescing draught is made by leaving out the rochelle salts. 487. CAMPHOR ICE. Take of spermaceti, 1 1/2 oz.; gum camphor, 3/4 oz.; oil of sweet almonds, 4 teaspoonsful; mix, and apply heat just enough to melt all together. Whilst warm, pour into small moulds, then paper, and put up in tin-foil. This, for chaps on hands or lips, cannot be equalled. 488. FOR SALT RHEUM Take a quantity of the pokeweed, any time in summer, pound it, press out the juice, strain it into a pewter dish, and set it in the sun until it acquires the consistency of salve; then put it into an earthen mug, add to it water and beeswax sufficient to make an ointment of common consistency. Simmer the whole over a fire till thoroughly mixed; when cold, it is ready for use. To be rubbed on the part affected. The most obstinate cases have yielded to this in three or four months. Try it. 489. ARTIFICIAL SKIN Dissolve gun cotton in sulphuric ether, and thicken it with gum mucilage. This article touched upon a cut or bruise, forms, immediately, an artificial skin, which cannot be washed off. It is very useful as it obviates the necessity of finger cots or bandages. It is excellent for sore nipples. 490. HAIR RESTORATIVE Take of sugar of lead, 1 oz.; lack sulphur, 1 oz.; essence of bergamot, 1/2.; bay rum, 1 gill; alcohol, 1 gill; and half a teaspoonful of salt; dissolve, first, the sugar of lead and sulphur in the alcohol, then the other ingredients; and add the whole to a gallon of warm soft water, then bottle it tightly, and it is fit for use. To be applied several times a day. This is a most excellent article, give it a trail. 491. TO REMOVE WARTS AND CORNS This is very often done by means of nitrate of silver, or some of the mineral acids; but the best caustic for this purpose is that recommended for cancer in the skin. 492. CANCER IN THE SKIN No one but an impostor will presume to cure a true cancer, containing the cancer cell, and situated in the muscles. Many times hard tumors, not containing the cancer cell, are called cancers, and are removed by different methods, which is very easily accomplished, without a danger of their returning; by which means base quacks become lauded by the illiterate, for their superior skill in banishing this dreadful malady, and the orphan, and finally, in consequence thereof, plunge themselves headlong over yonder precipice of eternal misery. Cancer which are situated in the skin, and are sometimes called spider cancers, &c., may be cured by the following caustic: take of sulphate of iron, 1 part; and acetate of lead, 1 part; pulverize each separately, as fine as possible, and mix well together; then, by means of a probe or knitting-needle, touch the cancer with it every morning for three or four times, and you will be able to draw it all out; after which apply adhesive straps that it may heal. It is used in the same way to destroy corns and warts. In the case of cancer, physic well before applying it. 493. FOR WORMS Give a child one year old 15 drops of spirits of turpentine on sugar, fasting, for three mornings in succession; follow the last dose with a good dose of castor oil; this forms an excellent vermifuge. The dose of spirits of turpentine for a child two years old is 20 drops, three years old 25 drops, four years old 30 drops, &c. 494. SPASMODIC CROUP Genuine croup is indeed of very rare occurrence, and is a fearfully dangerous disease, the only chances are to call in a physician at once. In genuine croup, the child seems to have a cold and is hoarse for a few days previous to the attack; but the fit generally comes on suddenly in spasmodic croup, which may be treated as follows. During the fit put the child in a warm bath, apply hot water to the throat, allow fresh air, and sprinkle the face and chest with cold water. 495. FOR FLATULENCY Make a tea of the seeds of anise, caraway, and coriander, and drink freely of it. 496. FOR HICCOUGH Take five drops of oil of anise on sugar when they commence to be troublesome. 497. FOR HEARTBURN This is a very disagreeable sensation, but may be banished by taking a teaspoonful of carbonate of soda dissolved in half a tumbler full of sweetened water. 498. ERYSIPELAS This when very bad needs the attendance of a physician; when not so bad, paint the inflamed part over with white lead, mixed with paint oil, it is an excellent remedy. 499. FOR FELON Poultice well with flaxseed meal until matter begins to form, then at once have it well laid open with a lance, continue the poultice for some time afterwards. 500. HAIR RESTORATIVE Take of black mustard seed 1/2 oz., red pepper 15 grains, blood root 1/2 oz., cantharides 15 grains, castile soap 1/2 oz., alcohol one quart; mix all together in a bottle, let stand for a week, occasionally shaking. Perfume with oil of bergamot, and apply three or four times a day. 501. TO KILL RATS AND MICE WITHOUT POISON Slice up a quantity of corks, grease, and scent them with oil of anise; throw them in the way of the rats and mice; they will eat, but cannot digest them; the result is they will die. 502. EYE WATER One part of good brandy, to six of clean rain or distilled water, makes an admirable eye water for most cases of sore eyes. 503. FOR CHRONIC GOUT AND RHEUMATISM Take of bicarbonate of potash 1/2 drachm, tincture of orange 2 drachms, compound decoction of aloes 8 oz., mix. Dose, a wine glass full whenever the fit is expected. This is Sir A. Cooper's prescription. 504. FOR SICKNESS AND VOMITING Take of creosote 16 drops, acetic acid 16 drops, compound spirit of juniper 1 oz., syrup 1 oz., water 14 oz.; mix the creosote with the acid, add gradually the water, and lastly the syrup and spirit. Dose from two to four tablespoonsful. 505. LAXATIVE PILL Take of powdered aloes 1 drachm, gamboge 10 grains, Castile soap and water sufficient to make a pill mass; mix and divide into 34 pills. Dose, one two, or three, to be given when necessary, for torpid bowels. 506. FOR HEADACHE In case of a severe attack of headache the best remedy is, generally, to take a good strong physic of salts and senna. If this does not relieve it, or where the person is very frequently troubled with headache, apply a blister to the back of the neck, you will find it an excellent remedy. 507. ANTIDOTES FOR POISONS The antidotes for poisoning with the strong mineral acids, such as nitric, muriatic, sulphuric, or oxalic acids are magnesia, chalk, whiting, in milk or water; mucilaginous or soapy liquids. When sulphuric acid has been taken, use very little water if any. Irritate the throat with a feather to produce vomiting. The antidote for poisoning with corrosive sublimate or any other preparation of mercury, is albumen, as whites of eggs, in large quantity, flour and water, and milk. The whites of eggs are best. The antidotes for poisoning by opium, or any of its preparations, as morphia, laudanum, &c., are the stomach pump if it can be had; emetic of tartar emetic, 2 to 5 grains, or sulphate of zinc, 15 to 30 grains, or sulphate of copper, 12 to 15 grs., for an adult. The sulphates of zinc or copper are best, because they act quicker. External excitation, keep in motion, mechanical excitement of respiration, cold effusion to the head and face, feet in hot water, electro-magnetism, internal stimulants, as bicarbonate of ammonia, 5 to 25 grains in water, carbonate of ammonia, 5 to 15 grains, in water, coffee and vegetable acids. Some propose as an antidote for every case of poisoning, half a pint of bland oil, as sweet oil, fresh butter melted to oil, &c., to be drank at once, for an adult. 508. TREATMENT OF DROWNING If respiration has ceased when the body is taken out of the water, it should instantly be commenced artificially, by putting a pipe into one nostril, and closing the mouth and the other nostril, and very gently blowing through it about 15 times in a minute; but it is a better plan to use a small pair of bellows, putting its muzzle into the nostril, at the same time the body should be wiped dry, and be assiduously rubbed with hot cloths; hot bricks and bottles of hot water should be put into the armpit, between the thighs, and to the feet; the head should be raised, the nostrils irritated with a feather, or the fumes of hartshorn, and a warm injection of turpentine, made as follows, may be thrown up - oil of turpentine, 3 drachms; gruel, 1/2 pint; and the yolk of 1 egg. Incorporate the turpentine with the egg, then add the gruel. Galvanism should be resorted to, if respiration is not quickly restored. As soon as the patient can swallow, he should have some weak wine and water; and soon afterwards an emetic of a large tablespoonful of mustard, mixed with 6 ozs. of water, to clear the stomach of the water which he has swallowed, and to restore the circulation by the impetus of vomiting. After some hours he will suffer from severe headache and fever, which must be relieved by bleeding, purgatives, &c., which will be attended to by a physician, who will be present by this time. A case is related in which life was restored by the most persevering friction, which was kept up for eight hours before the humanity of the surgeon, Dr. Douglass, of Havre, was rewarded by a return of respiration. 509. GOOD SAMARITAN OR PAIN-KILLER Take of 95 percent alcohol 2 quarts, and add to it the following articles: oils of sarsafras and hemlock, spirits of turpentine, balsam of fir, chloriform, tincture of catechu and guaiacum, of each 1 oz., oil of origanum 2 oz., oil of wintergreen 1/2 oz., and gum of camphor, 1/2 oz. Let it all be well incorporated and you have the most excellent pain killer that was ever made. It is good for rheumatism, headache, neuralgia, cuts, sprains, burns, bruises, spinal affections, ear-ache, tooth-ache, sore throat, &c. This is used internally and externally, the dose internally is 10 drops; take on sugar. *** The Misfits (c) 1993 &**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**& The rest of this text file contains jokes and humorous text. If you don't want to read it abort now! #@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@# The Misfits are: Drug Lord, EViL, Mad Dog, Predat0r, Sinister X, & Spermie! The Misfits can be reached at Blitzkrieg Bbs 502/499-8933 NUP:Samhain If you are interested in joining please leave email to one of the members, we are always looking for stories and text to include in our issues. %$%%$%$%%$%$%%$%$%%$%$%%$%$%%$%$%%$%$%%$%$%%$%$%%$%$%%$%$%%$%$%%$%$%%$%$%%$%$%% ____ / / \ / \ | ) | O\ O / \_/\__/\ \ \ \ __ \ | ` L__ It's ain't easy being a dick! \ __ ) I've got a head I can't think with, | // and eye I can't see out of, | // I have to hang around with _/ `-'\ two nuts all the time, / / \ my closest neighbor is an asshole, / | | and my best friend is a pussy! | | | | \ / \____/ `+-+' | | | |_ _| | L___) (___| ******************************** Little 8 year old Mary came in the kitchen one afternoon and said, "Hey Mom, can I get pregnant?" "Of course not," was her mother's reply. "Are you absolutely sure," asked Mary. "Certainly," said her Mother. Mary ran back out the door and said, "OK guys, same game." ******************************** A woman went to the doctor and told him that most of the pizazz had gone out of their lovemaking and her husband didn't pay much attention to her anymore. The doctor told her that a lot of it was mental preparation and recommended the following: Greet him after work with a martini and a lustful kiss, than a candlelight dinner of his favorite meal. He also gave her a powder to place in his after dinner coffee. She was to report to him the next morning, as to the results. "I followed your instructions to the letter," she told the doctor, "and I am very satisfied." " When he came in from work, I met him with a pitcher of martini's and gave him a very horny kiss. We had his favorite meal and I slipped the powder into his coffee. He drank it, looked at me, took hold of the tablecloth and snatched it off the table. China, crystal, and silverware, went flying in all directions. He then ripped my clothes off, threw me on the table and ate me, then he screwed me, like he used to do when we were in college." The doctor said, " I am sure glad that it worked out so great, but I am sorry that so much of the china and crystal got broken." "Oh that is alright," she replied, "we didn't like that restaurant very much anyway!" ******************************** Little Johnny and his Dad were walking in the park one afternoon and saw two dogs screwing. "Daddy, what are they doing," Johnny asked? "Why they are making puppies," his Dad said. That night Johnny caught his mother in the classic missionary position and his dad pounding away. "What are you doing, Dad," Johnny asked? "We are making babies," his Dad told him. "Turn her over Dad," said Johnny, "I'd rather have a puppy." ******************************** A man decided that he had had enough of the city rat race so he bought a piece of property about 3 days from anywhere and built him a cabin. He had been there about 6 months and heard a knock on the door. He opened it and there stood 'Grizzly Adams.' "Howdy neighbor" says Grizzly. The man replies, "I don't have any neighbors." Grizzly sez, "I meant that I live 4 canyons east of here and thought that I would come by to meet you and ask you to a party, Sat nite." The man thought for a minute and decided that a party would be nice after being alone for 6 months. He told Grizzly that he would be glad to come. Grizzly said, "Now there will be some drinking at this party, will that bother you?" "Hell no," said the man, "I haven't had a drop in a long time." "There will also be some fighting, will that bother you," asked Grizzly. The man said, "No, I have rather missed having a bit of excitement." Grizzly sez, "And one more thing, there will be some sex.., is that a problem?" The guy says, "After so long without, that would be nice." "Who all is going to be at this party," the man asked? Grizzly grins and replies, "Well there's me and there's you! ******************************** An old couple went to the doctor for the man's annual check up. Doc says to the man, "I need a urine sample, stool sample, and semen sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, looked at his wife and said, "what did he say?" She replied, "he said that he needs to see a pair of your underwear." ******************************** A janitor was sweeping the hall one day and as he passed where the Priest was having confession, the Priest ran out and asked him to sit in for him a few minutes while he went to the restroom. The janitor asked, "what do I do?" The Priest told him that there was a list on the wall. Just listen to what they say and tell them what it says on the list. The first man came in and confessed to committing adultery. The janitor checked the list and told him to go say three 'Hail Mary's'. Everything was going fine until a lady came in and told him that she had taken it anally, the nite before. He checked his list and didn't find Anal Sex listed, anywhere. He stuck his head out the door and saw two choir boys walking toward him. "What does the Father give for anal sex, he asked them?" "Two snickers and a soda," was the reply. ********************************* 10 Things That Never Happen In Porn Movies ========================================== 1. No women ever yelps that someone is on her hair. 2. No change, keys, or wallets ever fall out of a man's trousers regardless of how he takes them off. 3. No matter how many people start fornicationg in an open bar, cafe, or any other public business, or in any part of a house filled with people no one ever walks in unless it is a plot point. 4. No one ever seems surprised or annoyed if someone walks in while they're having sex. (Unless it's a plot point.) 5. No woman is without fancy underwear at all times. 6. No woman has sexual activity without high heels on. 7. No woman ever accidently squish a guy's testicles. 8. There are no virgins or near-virgins who do not know all the positions and acts and know that fellatio and cunnilingus are Standard. 9. No woman expresses surprise or disapproval (unless the dissaproval is temporary) when another woman comes on to her. 10. No man ever comes too soon. I just heard this one . . . A polak is sitting at a bar when this guy comes up to him and says, "Hey, do you know what has four arms, four legs, two heads, and sucks dick?" Dumbfounded, the polak replies, "No, I can't say that I do." The guy replies, "You and your brother! HA-HA!" Then walks away. The polak liked this joke, so he decided to tell it to someone else. He walks over to this stranger and asks, "Do you know what has four arms, four legs, two heads, and sucks dick?" With a confused look, the guy replies, "No, what?" A smile on his face, the polak says, "Me and my brother!" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A farmer heard a knock on the door one day. Answering it, he saw a stranger. "Look, I hope you don't mind me bothering you," spoke the stranger, "but I was just passing by and noticed you have some milk-weeds in you field, and I was wondering if you would mind me getting some milk?" The farmer looked at the man as if he were crazy, "Boy, ya aint getin' no milk out a' them there milk weeds! It's down right imposs'ble!" "Well, do you mind if I try anyway?" The man inquired. "Go right 'head boy," retorted the farmer while shaking his head. After a while the farmer heard another knock at his door. Answering it he found the same man, with two gallons of milk. Expecting it was one big prank on him, he eyed the man suspiciously. "Hi again," the man spoke, "On my way back I passed some honey-suckles, and I was wondering if you would mind me getting some honey?" The farmer spat, "Damnit boy, aint no way ta get honey from no honey-suckles!" "Well, do you mind if I try?" "Go 'head," the farmer said, shaking his head again. A while later, he heard another knock on his door. Answering it he found the stanger standing there with two jars full of honey. "Hi again," the stranger smiled, "On my way back, I noticed some pussy-willows over . . ." "Hold on son, I'm gettin' my boots!!" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Now the obligatory joke ... I saw this "menu" recently: -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= - M E N U ~~~~~~~ THE ROADKILL CAFE You Kill It ... We Grill It! Eating food is more fun ... When you know that it was hit on the run! ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ E N T R E E S ³ ³ ³ ³Centre Line Bovine "Tastes real good, straight from the hood!" 4.95 ³ ³ ³ ³The Chicken "That didn't cross the road" 3.95 ³ ³ ³ ³Flat Cat (Served as a single...or in a snack) 2.95 ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ A Taste on the Wild Side ³ Canine Cuisine (Still in the hide!) ³ (You'll eat like a hog... ³ when you taste our dog!) ³ Chunk of Skunk 1.95 ³ Slab of Lab 2.95 Smidgen of Pidgeon 1.95 ³ Pit Bull Pot Pie 1.95 Road Toad a la mode 1.65 ³ Cocker Cutlets 3.95 Shake 'N" Bake Snake 2.25 ³ Shar-Pei fillet 5.95 Swirl of Squirrel 1.55 ³ Poodles 'N' Noodles 5.95 Whippoorwill On The Grill 3.30 ³ Snippet of Whippet 4.50 Narrow Sparrow 1.10 ³ Collie Hit by a Trolley 3.95 Rigor Mortis Tortoise 6.75 ³ German Shepherd Pie 3.95 ³ Round of Hound 4.25 ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³Try our Bag'n'Gag Daily Take-Out Special!³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ Late Night Delight! Guess That Mess! ³ ³ Rack of Raccoon 3.95 A daily Special Treat! Smear of Deer 4.95 If you can guess what it is ... Awesome Possum 1.95 You Eat it For Free! Cheap Sheep 1.05 <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> The Night After Christmas `Twas the night after Christmas, and boy, what a house! I felt like hell, and so did the spouse. The eggnog and turkey and candy were swell, but ten hours later, I sure didn't feel well. The stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care, the darned things were sprawled on the back of a chair. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, but I had a large pack of ice on my head! And when I finally dozed off in a nap, the ice woke me up when it fell on my lap. Then for some unknown reason, I wanted a drink, so I started feeling my way to the sink. I got along fine, till I stepped on the cat, I don't recall what happened after that. When I came to, the house was flooded with light, although under a table, I was high as a kite! While visions of sugar plums danced in my head, I somehow got up and back into bed. Then what to my wandering eyes should appear... but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer! Then the sleigh seemed to change into a red fire truck, and each reindeer turned into a bleary eyed buck. I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. I tried to call out, but my tongue was too thick. Then the old devil whistled and shouted with glee, while the bucks pawed the earth as they grinned at me! Then he called them by names, and the names made me shudder. When I heard them, I felt like a ship minus a rudder! "Now Eggnog! Bacardi! Now Bourbon and Brandy!" "Now Fruitcake! Cold turkey! Gin Rickey and Candy!" To the top of his head, to the top of his skull, now whack away, crack away, with thumps that are dull! And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each cloven hoof. How long this went on, I'm sure I can't say, though it seemed like eternity, plus one more day! But finally, the night after Christmas had passed, and I found I could really think at last! So I thought of the New Year a few days away, and I've made me a vow that no temper can sway. I'm sticking to water - don't even want ice! But there's nothing as tasty or nothing as nice. The night after New Year's may bother some guys, but I've learned my lesson, and now I am wise. You can have your rich victuals and liquor that's red, but what goes to my stomach won't go to my head. So a big Happy New Year to you and to all, I'm back on the wagon, and hope I don't fall! <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> > T'was the night before Christmas > when all through the house > everyone felt shitty, even the mouse. > > With mom at the whorehouse > and dad smoking grass, > I just settled down for a nice piece of ass! > > When out on the lawn I heard > such a chatter, > I sprang from my piece to see > what's the matter. > > And out on the lawn I saw a big dick... > I knew in a moment it must be St. Prick. > > He came down the chimney > like a bat out of hell > I knew right away, the fat fucker fell. > > He filled all the stockings > with dubies and beer, > and a big rubber dick > for my brother the queer. > > He went up the chimney > with a thunderous fart, > the son of a bitch > blew the chimney apart. > > He swore and he cursed > as he rode out of sight > "Piss on you all! > And have a hell of a night! <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Oh, for any Trekkies that may be around (and haven't seen this yet), here's some Christmas songs for ya... From Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of "Let it Snow") Oh, the vacuum outside is endless, unforgiving, cold and friendless, but since we must boldly go... Make it so, make it so, make it so... From Wil Riker (to the tune of "Deck The Halls") Here's a vexing Christmas riddle, fa la la la la, la la la la Why must I play second fiddle? Fa la la la la, la la la la How can I impress Deanna? Fa la la, la la la, la la la When I'm number 2 banana? Fa la la la la, la la, la la. From good ol' Weasly Crusher (to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen") I'm at Starfleet Academy and I'd just like to say... I miss the opportunity to weekly save the day--- To make things worse I have to be in some dumb Christmas play! Yes I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy, teenaged boy, and the Enterprise was my most favourite toy. And from Data... Jingle bells, Jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh--- Or so I am reliably informed... lacking a subjective and intuatively perceived referent for the term 'fun', I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat colour the-- Yes, sir. ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< There once was a man named McSweeney Who spilled some gin on his weeney And just to be couth he added Vermouth And slipped his girl a martini! There was a young man from Vanarden Being blown by his wife in the garden He said, "My dear Flo, Where does all that stuff go?" And she said ,"I beg your pardon?" $@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@ Rules of Bedroom Golf: 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play with this is the case. 12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 14. It is considered outstanding performace, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. %&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%& The Muppets Frog went to a bank to finance his next show. Linus Paddiwack asked him if he had collaterial. Frog paused ... Then he took out a ceramic model of Miss Piggie. The loan officer, not entirely familiar with lending money to ficticiuos characters excuses himself and returns with the branch vice president (WHY?? do banks have more vice presidents than workers?). Anyway, the V.P. looks at the ceramic model and said, "Well, that's a knick-knack, Paddiwack. Give the frog a loan." !#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!# Here's one for you all: There once was a priest who was out on a chartered fishing yacht one day. When he had a huge strike, everyone gathered around to see him reel in one of the biggest fish ever caught in those waters. When he had it safely landed, the captain exclaimed, "Wow, would you look at that son-of-a-bitch-fish?!?" Whereupon the kindly prelate complained. The captain told him, however, that this was the proper term for that particular fish. Sure enough, when they got to shore, the dock hands all gaped at the enormous catch, saying, "Will you look at that son-of-a-bitch-fish?!?" By now, the father was convinced that they weren't all pulling his leg. When he got home to the rectory, he proudly showed his prize to the Mother Superior, exclaiming, "Look at this beautiful son-of-a-bitch!" The nun raised her eyebrows at the priest's un-expected language, and was quickly re-assured that it was the proper terminology for this fish. Later that evening, the priest and the nun were entertaining a new, young priest in their parish and served him a beautiful fish dinner. He was quite surprised to hear the both of them often remarking about the wonderful "son-of-a-bitch-fish". At the end of the meal, when they asked him how he thought he might fit in with the parish, he replied, "Shit, I think I'm gonna' get along with all of you mother-fuckers real well!!!" ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* (c) Copyright 1993 by The Misfits Call Blitzkrieg Bbs @502/499-8933 NUP:SAMHAIN