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               [ Mind Warp  -  Volume #2, Issue #10, File #037 ]
                         [ "Labels Galore"  by Raven ]
            
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                                Labels Galore
                                 [raven/MG]

        Time for another list.  Yes I know, that's all I write are stupid
lists, but this one's a good one, really.  :)  This one's got k-cool warnings
and instructions from the labels of different products.  Just read and see.

1. This is from the inside cover of my copy of Mortal Kombat for Sega:
            "WARNING: READ BEFORE USING YOUR SEGA VIDEO GAME SYSTEM.
      A very small percentage of individuals may experience epileptic seizures
      when exposed to certain light patterns or flashing lights.  Exposure to
      certain patterns or backgrounds on a television screen or while playing
      video games may induce an epileptic seizure in these individuals.
      Certain conditions may induce undetected epileptic symptoms even in
      persons who have no history of prior seizures or epilepsy.  If you, or
      anyone in your family, has an epileptic condition, consult your 
      physician prior to playing.  If you experience any of the following
      symptoms while playing a video game - dizziness, altered vision, eye or
      muscle twitches, loss of awareness, disorientation, any involuntary
      movement, or convulsions - IMMEDIATELY discontinue use and consult your
      physician before resuming play."
   I don't know about you, but I find epilepsy especially amusing!

2. This is the warning on a package of Carefree sugarless bubble gum:
     "Use of this product may be hazardous to your health.  This product
      contains saccharin, which has been determined to cause cancer in
      laboratory animals."
   Ahh, yes, saccharin, nature's own.  Care free my ass.

3. Ahem, the instructions for Trojan latex condoms:
     "                         ---- IMPORTANT ----
                            Directions for condom use:
      BEFORE SEX
       1. Use a new condom every time you have sex - before foreplay, before
          penis gets anywhere near any body opening.  (To avoid exposure to
          any body fluid that can carry infection.)  Handle condom gently.
       2. Put condom on as soon as penis is hard.  Be sure rolled-up ring is
          on the outside.  And leave space at tip to hold semen when you
          come.
       3. Squeeze tip gently so no air is trapped inside.  Hold tip while you
          unroll condom...all the way down to the hair.  If condom doesn't
          unroll, it's on wrong.  Throw it away.  Start over with a new one.
      AFTER SEX
          Pull out slowly right after you come, while penis is still hard.
          Hold condom in place on penis to avoid spilling semen.  Turn and
          move completely away before you let go of condom.  Throw used 
          condom away.  And no more sex without a new condom.  If condom 
          breaks and semen spills or leaks, don't panic.  But quickly wash
          semen away with soap and water."
   Wow, they said penis.  Though, the funniest part is the next section 
   entitled 'TIPS FOR SUCCESS.'  I won't transcribe that one, because it's
   funnier if you just read the title.

Hmm.. I wonder if I'm dead when you're reading this...

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