Û Û [MiLK] Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Mighty Issue # 8 Û Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Tang Beverage Crystals.." Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Epic Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Well, it has just recently occurred to me that some of you have not yet been acquainted to the divine beverage known as Tang. Milk is, of course, a healthy source of calcium, and is needed for a "balanced diet", but if you travel farther out in the world of elixirs, you will doubtlessly return stirring a thick glass of Tang. As most of you know, what you get when you purchase Tang is basically a big jar with stuff in it. The stuff inside is what we are interested in here (although the jars have many uses of their own, which will be discussed in greater detail later). Tang is a orange granular powder, when combined with water, or combined with the saliva in your mouth, that produces a wonderful taste sensation. If you read the label on the nearest jar of Tang, it will become apparent that Tang is very beneficial to your lifestyle. * Contains 100% US RDA for Vitamin C (refer to appendix A for complete US RDA statistics) * Also contains 5 other essential vitamins * Natural orange flavor * No preservatives Tang, like breakfast cereal, can be purchased in many different sizes, ranging from 15 ounce jars, to giant 5 pound containers (for the true connoisseur). Tang beverage crystals can be found at most major supermarkets. But, there are some things to watch out for when you go to your local Jewel to buy Tang. In it's natural, pure powder form, Tang is a tasty drink. However, merchandisers have set out to cash in on the Tang phenomenon. There is an 'alternate' flavor, called "MANGO TANG", which is now being sold on supermarket shelves. Whatever you do, DO NOT BUY IT. It is not the "natural orange flavor" that you were expecting, but simply a disgusting blend of tangerines, mangos, and other tropical fruits that Mr. Tastebud would definitely give a thumbs DOWN to. Tang is also marketed in juice box containers along with drinks such as Hi-C. Although this form of Tang has vaguely the correct flavor, it's potency is DRASTICALLY less then a well-mixed glass of regular Tang. These boxes are like Tang for infants. But I know you people out there are not infants, and desire real quality, strong taste in your beverage. Well, look no further, because I will now give Epic's instructions for mixing a proper dosage of Tang. There are instructions for this mixing on the label of the jar, but these are wholly inadequate for our purposes. First of all, you'll have to remove the lid. There should be a thin paper layer (with the Tang logo embossed across it) that completely separates the Tang from the open air. This is to preserve freshness, and to ensure safety (you wouldn't want Bad Mr. Psycho putting any poisons into your beverages). Strike this barrier with your knuckle with moderate force, and it will break with a satisfying . Magic Tang dust will most likely be spread out into the air, but do not fear, there is much, much more where that came from. You will now need to locate something suitable to drink your Tang out of. Glasses work fine, but I prefer a large frosted mug. Pour your desired amount of beverage crystals into the glass. There is a chart on the side of the jar with suggested amounts. Throw this away, and maybe even stomp on it before you do so. It is weak. My standard measure would be to multiply the suggested levels by four or five (The jar recommends 4 teaspoons for one glass. You should use about 16-20 teaspoons). With a little practice you can measure this level by eyesight, and will never have to measure your Tang again. After your Tang has been successfully transferred in a proper amount into your holder of choice, it is time for the liquid to be added. You can use water (tap, from the fridge, bottled, distilled, 2%, from your showerhead, in gaseous form, etc. Any form really will do.) or whatever other kinds of creative juices that you can come up with. Stir the liquid into your Tang with a stirring utensil, and then your task is completed. Having successfully mixed a glass of Tang, put your sweet lips to your glass and enjoy. If you feel that your dosage of beverage crystals is not strong enough, add more. And be generous, share your Tang with your friends, and let them know what a wonderful thing that Tang can be for you both. I would like to take this portion of this file to clear up some 'myths' about Tang that have been floating around for some time. Myth : You can get AIDS from sharing a glass of Tang. FALSE: There has not once been a confirmed case of Tang being a carrier for the AIDS virus. Myth : If you drink too much Tang, you can get sick. FALSE: Tang is pure goodness. Although Vitamin C can be toxic in massive amounts, the amount ingested through drinking Tang, no matter HOW much, could really not adversely affect your health at all Myth : Tang is habit-forming. TRUE : Although medical studies have proven that Tang cannot cause a chemical dependency, drinkers of Tang tend to want more and more. This is not due to any addictive substances in the drink, but however the pleasant taste sensations that Tang gives to the human mouth. Myth : Eating Tang raw is bad for you. FALSE: ABSOLUTELY not. One of the best ways to enjoy Tang is direct from the beverage crystals. Licking your finger and sticking it in the jar, or even taking a mouthful directly from the jar are perfectly acceptable means of ingesting this divine substance. The raw crystals can in no way be harmful to you, and often provide a better, more potent tangy flavor. With some of those myths cleared up, hopefully people will be able to enjoy their Tang without fear. Simple nourishment and taste is not the only thing that can be gained from this wonderful substance. Here are some other uses for Tang that me and various friends have discovered : * Smoking material - If mixed with tobacco (or other smokeable substances), Tang can be smoked. It adds a definite twist of flavor to the smoke, which some people find quite enjoyable, and enhances the smoking experience. * Hair dye - If especially potent Tang is mixed (approx. 1 part Tang to 1 part water), the mixture can be used to add a shiny orangish tint to hair, which is very attractive. This works best on blonde hair, but may show some results for darker shades. * Flavoring for tea and coffee - Replace your sugar bowl with a jar of Tang for a refreshing new flavor for your other beverages. * Jewelry - The lid and jar of Tang can be used in making various kinds of jewelry (such as necklaces, bracelets, and earrings) that can even be sold at a comfortable profit) * Communication - As with cans, empty jars of Tang can be an economical device for communication. Simply attach a string to the bottoms of two jars, and speak into the hole while the other person listens through the whole. Watch AT&T have a conniption when they start losing customers to the Tang Friends and Beverages Program. * Deodorant - Just vigorously shake your jar of Tang, and then remove the lid. Powderised Tang will emanate from the jar, filling the area with an aromatic fragrance sure to combat any nasty odors. * Freshness - Just like baking soda, you can place an open jar of Tang anywhere to keep things fresh. It improves the air quality, and even repels moths! * And lastly, Recycling - Your Tang jar is an eco-friendly container. After enjoying the last of your beverage crystals, you can use the jar to store anything around your home that might need storage. And if you don't need to store anything around your home, take the jar to your local recycling center, and Captain Planet himself will give you a thumbs up! I think that's about all for this informative study of the beverage known as Tang. Please show this to all of your beverage drinking friends, and spread the holy word of Tang around as much as possible. If you have any questions about Tang, I (Epic), can be easily reached on the Lunatic Phringe BBS (708-232-0565), or the Obloid Sphere (708-965-3098). There is also a hot line provided by Kraft General Foods (the makers of Tang) for any of your questions or comments. Feel free to call 1-800-431-1002, toll free, 9-4 (EST), weekdays only. Thank you, and remember, FUCK moderation, grab yourself some Tang and DRINK UP. Meetz + Greetz = Frizzle Fry, Puddlez, Rodney Rathbone, Tommy The Cat, Nature Boy, DanziG, and all my other Tang drinkin' buddies. I couldn't have done this without you guys. ------------------------------------------------------------ Appendix A - US RDA Nutrition Information Per Serving (*) Serving Size... 6 fl oz. Calories...... 70g Protein........ 0g Carbohydrates.. 19g Sodium........ 0g Fat............ 0g * - Note that Epic's suggested serving size is 4-5 times the suggested serving size on the container. Adjust the information for your needs. Appendix B - Percentages of US RDA Protein....... * Riboflavin.... 10% Vitamin B6..... 10% Vitamin A..... 10% Niacin........ 10% Folic Acid..... 20% Vitamin C..... 100% Calcium....... * Iron........... * * - Contains less than 2% of the USA RDA of these nutrients ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® [MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098 [MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield Nyarlathotep Epic [MiLK] Issue Number - 8 [MiLK] Issue Size - 10881 Bytes [MiLK] Date of Production: 01/09/94 ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ "You IDIOT! That's the Milk-curdler Button!" ®®®®®®®®®®®®®®