Mike's Madness #25 For Anne. - Tonight on - U N S O L V E D M Y S T E R I E S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - On March 25, 1952, water fell on the parched township of Bigass, N. Dakota. The residents thought it was rain, but new evidence points to a possible visit by Saint Sister Panama Canal, the famous Spitting Nun of Paraguay . . . Wil Weaton had a gimme role on the most popular syndicated series in history. Yet, for no apparent reason, he left the show to star in such megahits as The Last Prostitute and Toy Soldiers. A lapse of common sense, maybe -- but this man says that Brent Spiner was putting LSD in Weaton's coke . . . and Weaton LOVED it! Hundreds of children walk across this seemingly quiet street every day, and yet no one has attempted to kidnap, or even harass, a single one. We'll show you perverts out there EXACTLY where this street is at, and maybe YOU can provide us with a future segment on . . . U N S O L V E D M Y S T E R I E S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (cue eerie "wooo-wooo" music) (cut to commercial) Woman 1: (shyly) June, I have a problem . . . Woman 2: What is it, Nancy? 1: Well . . . it's that time of the month, I'm not fresh, my pad is leaking, I'm constipated, and my hemorrhoids are killing me! 2: I have EXACTLY what you need! Disgusto Brand (tm) "Lil' Problem Solver"! It's a douche, laxative, hemorrhoid balm and super-absorbant maxi all in one! 1: BULLSHIT! 2: It really works! Just jam it in your panties then bounce in your seat real hard! It works wonders! (just don't use it with white pants) . . . 1: GET OFF! I'm not 'aving that filth 'round my place! 2: . . . Comes in cherry flavor . . . 1: Wellllllllll . . . Maybe I'll give it a try! 2: That's the spirit! Now get off my bloody sofa . . . Voice over: Disgusto Brands (tm) Personal Care Products for Hatefully Disgusting Problems. Not for internal consumption. Keep away from children and small animals. Not responsible for any itching caused by misuse of product. We now return to . . . UNSOLVED MYSTERIES! March 5, 1991. Humbolt, California. In this shady glade, 9,000 acres of primo marijuana was reaching maturity. Careful cultivation of the special hashplant+haze+northern lights #5 clones had assured that each of the 15-foot-tall plants was an unpollinated female. Buds as large as 25 pounds were reported by the locals. Then it all vanished. The only clue to this mystery is this white, 1973 Dodge Charger and its sole occupant . . . Mr. Mike Beebe. Me: "DUDE! ALIENS! ALIENS STOLE THEM DUDE'S BUD! OH DUDE! IT WAS HATEFUL! I was all kickin' it in my Charger listenin' to Metallica 'cuz I was hella stoned . . . NO! I wasn't hella stoned! I don't do that shit! So dude, I was tokin' on this joint and this big ol' silver garbage can lid thing came down, landed over there at the site now marked by the Humbolt UFO Landing Site and Historic Museum (25 cents admission, please) and these dudes all came out and snagged them dude's buds! I say we organize a hunting party! Just can't go around stealin' people's bud! Oh! Is that the time? Uh, gotta get these . . . ummmmm . . errrm . . . damn this short-term memory loss . . . uuuhhh . . . bails of marijuana . . . HAY! Bails of HAY down to Sacramento before any cops see . . . before it rains. Gotta get these bails of hay back down to Sacramento before it rains. Oh hey man -- my joint went out! Gotta light, dude? Are those shot-guns them dudes have? Uh - I really gotta bail, bud. Hope you catch them aliens . . . I'm outta here . . ." [SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE] (sound of 75 mile long burnout) Robert Stack: "While it may not be the crop circles of England, or the famous Kelly Farm House encounter in Georgia, the Great Humbolt Siting of 1991 will go down in history as a true tale of a close encounter of the 5th kind - when aliens come down and snag your bud!" Slightly peeved, baseball-bat wielding mob: "Hey - where'd that dude in the Charger go?" (fade to commercial) HEY MOMS! Why not treat the kids to something entertaining and educational? Take the little bastards to see . . . S T O N E R S O N I C E - - - - - - - - - - - - An afternoon of enchantment with a powerful anti-drug message! See vicious loadies culled from the public parks, head shops and white, 1973 Chargers of America on the ice in the awe-inspiring "Stagger of the Third Bong Hit", the heart-warming "Rollin' a Jamaican", and the grand-finale "I Got Three Pounds and Here Comes the Cops!". Don't let this valuable, only slightly expensive opportunity pass you by! Cough up the $50 a ticket (under-12, matinee only. Adult tickets: $300.00) and teach your progeny a lesson they won't soon forget: Don't get loaded and go ice skating! A Bill Graham "Beyond The Grave" Production. "Beyond the Grave" owned by: L. Ron Hubbard Louis Lamore And a host of other writers who, although dead, seem not to have given it up yet. (Read that as: "Families of whom are greedy sonsabitches and don't see anything wrong with whoring the dear name of their long deceased relative in a bizarre form of financial necrophilia") ALSO COMING SOON FROM BILL GRAHAM - * The Doors * Led Zeppelin * Mommas and the Poppas (I miss Cas, she was supposed to bring me back a sandwich from Togos! And I gave her 5 bucks, too!) * The Beatles (opening act: 3 More Bullets) * Pink Floyd ("Well . . . 'e was was coughin' up blood last night!") * Jimi and Janis: The Vomitgargling Tour * Sammy "I'm like a cat's behind - one eye and I'm blind in it" Davis Jr. * Disco (not!) * Herman Goehring and the Hitlertones * John F. Kennedy's "Gaping Head Wound" Tour '91-'92 * Grateful Dead (coming soon) We return you to . . . UNSOLVED MYSTERIES And now we update you on a case we profiled on a previous show. The object that millions of Americans saw streak out of the heavens and crash into a field in New Hampshire has been identified as George Bush's re-election chances. Please quit calling the 800 number now. NEXT WEEK ON UNSOLVED MYSTERIES we'll profile these intriguing cases: * Every year, millions of women get pregnant without ever knowing who the father is. We believe we've cornered him. See the amazing career of fertility doctor Cecil Jacobson. * While driving on this road in rural New Mexico, Pedro Jesus Fernandez Gonzales Fredrico Pablo San Lucas saw an object at the side of the road. It looked like a duck. It walked like a duck. It quacked like a duck. What was it? 15 experts give us their opinions. * Was Vice President Dan Quayle assassinated in 1989 and replaced with a wooden dummy? While it would be almost impossible to tell the difference, staggering new evidence suggests that this indeed might have happened. In the last 2 years, Quayle's IQ went up 10 points, almost positive evidence that he has been replaced by something far smarter than himself. (roll closing credits. Cue "wooo-wooo" music) ----- This Madness writen under the influence of chocolate-covered coffee beans, marijuana and Metallica. Better living through chemicals and loud music, I say! Drek excreted by: Mike "Naw, that dog's always walked kinda funny" Beebe ----- (C) 1992 Yucks For You, Inc. Comments & Flames to Author: Mike Beebe (currently has no E-mail address. Send all feedback to address below and it will be forwarded to him.) All Back-issues are available by E-mail request from or by anonymous ftp from (128.227.224.1) in directory /pub/mikesmad. "Thanks Eric!"