s$ $$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1091 [-- $$""b. $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --] $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ss$$ "Male Nature: A Rebuttal" $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ *or* "Effy, Go Out With Me" $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ by Quarex [06/14/00] [-- $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --] $$ $$ "TssT" "TssT" HOE #1088, Effy's release "The Nature of the Male", is an article which was clearly written with a good deal of thought, preparation, and emotion. No, that is not sarcasm, the sarcasm comes in the actual rebuttal. This is just the exposition. Look, can I fucking finish? Thanks. Anyway, Effy's article is well and good in and of itself. The problem, of course, is its almost universally cliched nature. Every woman on the planet has already written a text file about how annoying it is when guys do not put the toilet seat down. Granted, my text files are not any less cliche. Every guy will at some point complain about women, even if their success with women is every bit as complete and total as my failure with women. Men and women enjoy complaining. They enjoy it far too much, in fact. So much, that all men, women, and children on the planet have already written five megs of angst text files by the time they reach adolescence. But, popular culture is the deciding factor between acceptable and unacceptable cliches. This is not to say Effy's article is entirely unacceptable. In fact, how about I just go fucking analyze it already. "There is no altering mother nature's decision to make you all cunt grubbing pig slime." - Effy, Paragraph #3, "The Nature of the Male" Now, I certainly cannot argue this point. I have a "Cunt Grubbing Pig Slime Life" tattoo arched across my stomach. However, I can certainly argue the individual points that created my unfortunate cunt-grubbing nature. "#10 Worst Male Attribute of All Time: --LEAVING THE TOILET SEAT UP." Okay. Now, remember earlier when I talked about cliches, pop culture, and all that? This is the first good example. There have been an ungodly number of references in pop culture to men leaving the toilet seat up. Yes, it happens. Yes, as far as I can tell, most men do this. No, I cannot tell you why, either. However, I can certainly tell you that not all women put the goddamn seat down, either. In fact, in my parents' house, we always put not just one seat, but BOTH seats down, due to my cat's propensity to jumping into the toilet and then running around the house, getting toilet water everywhere. Thus, not only do I put both seats down on the toilet every time, but I have more than once had to reprimand a girl who left the top toilet seat up, eventually causing my cat to DO IT AGAIN. Man, why can women not learn to put the fucking toilet seat down? I think I should also keep track during this text file of how much better I apparently am than "everyman," through whether or not any of the top 10 worst male attributes apply to me. BAD MALES: 1 QUAREX: 0 "#9 Worst Male Attribute of All Time: --GRABBING YOURSELF." No, I am not afraid my dick and balls are going to fall off if I do not check to see if they are there. In fact, not only do I not grab myself in public, but I only do it at all if I am in some variety of pain as a result of accidental misplacement. I have always found it unnecessarily revolting when men grabbed themselves in public, and never understood how the male ideal was sitting in a recliner (which, I might add, I also dislike), wearing a wifebeater (oh fucking boy), watching T.V. (Fuck T.V.) and grabbing himself. That pretty much encapsulates everything I hate right there. Again, I guess a lot of guys do it. But as with every text file I write, this is all about me, and I sure as fuck do not. BAD MALES: 2 QUAREX: 0 "#8 Worst Male Attribute of All Time: --THE BLONDE BABE OBSESSION." The very first problem with this Worst Attribute is the title. "Why are chicks with yellow hair and brown skin attractive? I think they look like a fecal accident." Then why call them blonde babes? Quite frankly, I agree with you 100%. Unsurprisingly. My friends and I have alternating names for the ultra-tanned blonde girls we see. Among my favorites are "Cheese Beast" and "Butter Monster," though I think we use "Butter Monster" to describe just about anything that sucks. Even if it were not an easily verifiable fact that blondes with cheese-textured tanned skin are extremely aloof, there is still the fact that, well, they are also not attractive. I am so glad that I actually consider myself too good for women like that. Quite frankly, I have always been really into pale women, though I certainly also really like, you know, NATURAL SKIN COLORS. Not ORANGE. Everyone knows the most attractive women are brunettes and redheads, anyway. Even if I myself am blond and should therefore theoretically find blonde women more attractive, this has not proven accurate at all. BAD MALES: 3 QUAREX: 0 "#7 Worst Male Attribute of All Time: --THE LESBIAN FETISH." The most important thing to clear up here, right off the bat, is the reason behind men finding lesbians getting it on attractive and women finding gay men getting it on unattractive. WOMEN ARE ATTRACTIVE, MEN ARE UNATTRACTIVE. It is pretty hard to find someone who disagrees with this statement. The only people I know who find men truly attractive in the way women are happen to be either women who REALLY REALLY REALLY like sex or gay men. Most everyone can easily agree that women are the more attractive sex. Therefore, it stands to reason quite easily that lesbian pornography is appealing, and gay pornography is not. This is a case that I might even defend the BAD MALE, because I do not know any guys who find hot lesbian action more arousing than hot non-lesbian action. Yes, I am always entertained when I see two women kissing. Yes, I shy away from men kissing. That does not give me a lesbian fetish, it gives me a lesbian appreciation, and one which I believe is wholly understandable considering the construction of the two sexes. I will, however, still give BAD MALES a BAD POINT for this category, just for comparison. BAD MALES: 4 QUAREX: 0 "#6 Worst Male Attribute of All Time: --THE INTERNET PORN ADDICTION." God damn, is this one ever hard to defend. It is so hard to find anything wrong with wanting to see pictures of naked women on the internet, when they are in such abundance. It is no different than having a pornographic bookstore down the street from you that did not charge a browsing fee and has private booths everywhere. There is just no sensible male reason _NOT_ to look at internet porn. However, I can certainly say I have never masturbated while looking at a picture of Madonna taking on an entire baseball team, Janet Reno giving a dog head, Bill and Monica having a smokin' time, or Young Barely Legal Teenage Lesbian Sluts Caught On Video, thus I declare myself free. And, furthermore, you give men absolutely no credit for anything. "If any of your keys stick boys, we know why." Maybe I am the only one, but my computer is a goddamn shrine. I would never in my worst nightmares dream of masturbating near enough to my computer to risk possible ricochet or direct-hit semen damage. BAD MALES: 5 QUAREX: 0 "#5 Worst Male Attribute of All Time: --THE MALE POTHEAD." This, of course, is the most interesting one so far. Pardon me if I am making liberal assumptions, but it sounds like you slept with the guy you are referencing. This is the ideal opportunity to insert my own standard fare pro-male (well, really, pro-me, not pro-male at all, in fact, quite anti-male) rhetoric. What, may I ask, were you doing dating someone in the first place who not only grew his own pot, but smoked it constantly, and then could not even get it up for an hour after fore play began? What, did you find him INTERESTING? No, you sure as fuck do not find someone like that interesting. You find them pitiable, if even that. Did you find him ATTRACTIVE? Probably not, if the people I know who smoke pot that frequently are any good indication. Did you find him WORTHWHILE? No, you freely admit that in the description. So, as much as I can tell, you fucked this guy because you had nothing better to do. And this simple behavior is one of the biggest problems I see, day in and day out. Girls date guys because they feel like they should be dating somebody, and the more disposable, the better. No women is ready to make a commitment to someone who has easily definable value, including, but of course not limited to, being interesting, worthwhile, and likable. You know, people like me. But enough about me. Well, there can never be enough about me. But about something else, anyway--even beyond anything else, this point makes me laugh simply because you yourself talk about how much you love smoking pot. Granted, women do not work like men, so I am sure your own shirt-removal time during fore play is unaffected. However, I still cannot support the idea that you hate them so. It seems to me this is like me having a vendetta against women who drink too much milk. I mean, sure, I love milk, but why do you have to drink it SO OFTEN? It, uh, causes . . . blindness. . . and don't. . let the bitches be . . blind. . BAD MALES: 6 QUAREX: 0 "#4 Worst Male Attribute of All Time: --MEN ON IRC." Well, it sure seems like I am not going to be able to defend myself against this one. However, thankfully, her actual description of the men on IRC is easy to defend, as difficult as the idea of "Men on IRC" is not. It is true, most men who use irc a lot pretty much act like assholes as a rule. And, indeed, a great deal of them are 135 pound weaklings with puny dicks, or at least certainly no taller than 5'6". And they do just talk big to make their own real lives seem more useful as a result, as since they cannot defend themselves against bullying in real life, they lash out with bullying of their own online. I, however, am 6'4", 245 pounds, and inadvertently hurt people when I shake their hands. I do not need to be an asshole on IRC to make myself feel good in real life, and pretend I can defend myself. I am the equivalent of an IRCOP in real life, since people actually do flock to me for defense whenever we are in an even remotely dangerous area, and rely on me to /kill people should the need ever arise. It pretty much never does, but at least you have the option. BAD MALES: 7 QUAREX: 0 "#3 Worst Male Attribute of All Time: --UNRELIABILITY." I do not even feel like I should defend myself, or men, on this point. Men are always striving towards the ultimate goal of having sex with every woman they see, and as such, we are completely reliable in that aspect. Women, however, are actually fully unreliable, so far as I can tell. If I examine most any relationship I have ever had with a woman, or most of my friends have had, the overlying theme is the unreliability of the woman. No matter how many times it has been painfully obvious that some girl was showing clear interest in me, her reliability is quickly reduced to nothingness when she will not even go out on a date with me. Well, granted, that has little to do with reliability at all, and was just an excuse for me to say "Wahh wahh, I am a little baby, wahh wahh." The point is, though, that I think at the very least, men and women are equally unreliable, and at the same time as a man does not call when he says he will, women are not always around when you make dates with them, either. "Oh, I was busy." "Oh, I forgot." The excuses are the same for either sex--"I have something better to do than make out with you." And, of course, this is saying nothing of the fact that, since I have never drank, smoked, or done drugs in my life, and never will, that I am apparently completely reliable. BAD MALES: 8 QUAREX: 0 "#2 Worst Male Attribute of All Time: --SIZEMATIC SUPERIORITY." "Please, put that elongated blue tank inside me and rip my insides to shreds. Please let me choke on your big German bratwurst; I just can't help myself." Calm down, Effy. There will be plenty of THROBBING WANG to share on Judgment day. In the mean time, . . . Let me start this paragraph again. I am ALMOST guilty as charged under this rule. I have found myself talking about the size of my penis more than once, and not always in a sarcastic "I have the world's smallest penis" tone. Yes, I have talked openly about the size of my penis. However, I can virtually guarantee you that in every circumstance someone else brought the topic up. Just as, I imagine, if someone were speculating on the size of your breasts, or perhaps insisting you were a 42A, you would feel inclined to join the conversation, so is it with a man and his penis. Well, a good man, anyway. Also, I do find it rather embarrassing that any man would think a woman would care enough about his penis size to actively care at all or want to see it. The woman may be vaguely impressed, but that is the best that we can possibly hope to achieve. And that is assuming you are not lying, something I assume most men are doing, especially in this aspect, every waking moment of their lives. BAD MALES: 9 QUAREX: 0 "#1 Worst Male Attribute of All Time: --CONQUESTS." AHahhahhahahahaha. . . HAahaHAHAHA Well, rather obviously, I scarcely have to even defend myself against this accusation. There is only so much that a virgin can say to brag about his sexual experience, after all. "Hey, dude, check it out. Last night. . . dude, this was SO COOL. Last night, I fuckin' hugged Melissa for _FIVE MINUTES._ HAHAHA! God damn, that ruled." Most men, of course, yes, do indeed talk about their conquests. Well, at least, I assume they do. No, I know they do. It is just that I surround myself with so many men that care more about their computers than they do women that it is really hard to remember how shitty most guys are sometimes. Especially when conquests for me are statements like "Dude! This is the third summer apartment I have had in a row where NOBODY DRINKS OR SMOKES! WOOO! WE FUCKING RULE!" I have to say, though, that I DO wish my penis were shaped like a cross, and that three godly bitches could suck it at once. BAD MALES: 10 QUAREX: 0 There you have it. No guys are worth dating, except for me, and I will be unsurprised when my door is broken down later today with women begging to be my new girlfriend. Women, men, cats, dogs, Yemen, Latvia. Things will always be diametrically opposed, even if there is no goddamn reason for the opposition. Whatever force causes men to treat women like shit and women to crush men's fragile egos is the same force that made Effy go off on men, and forced me to write a rebuttal. And that same force also hopefully made you elated or enraged while reading this file. In conclusion, Effy, god, I want you. [-------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu HOE #1091, BY QUAREX - 6/14/00 ]