[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #603 `888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8 888 888 888 888 888 "The Girl From Mars' 888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 Superhero Story" 888 888 888 888 888 " 888 888 `88b d88' 888 o (based on actual events, kinda) o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 by Girl From Mars [5/6/99] [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Once upon a time there was a small village inhabited by shiny happy college students. All was peaceful in the village because it was protected by the all-powerful superhero, the Girl From Mars. The shiny happy college students all loved their Martian protector, and she loved them as well. Every time there was a problem, the Girl from Mars came to the rescue. Problems with registering for classes? She had a magic touch when it came to getting through to the phone registration system. Don't know where your classes are? Her mind was a veritable map of the village. Hung over? Her remedies were the best. The Girl from Mars never faced much adversity, her usual enemy was the giant unnecessary bureaucracy which governed the village. She was an uncommon superhero in that she did not have an Arch-Enemy. That would soon change, or else this is a pretty stupid story. It was a beautiful sunny day in the village. Everyone went about their business with smiles on their faces, for they knew that nothing could go wrong under the supervision of their resident superhero. Suddenly, the sky grew dark. "Funny, it wasn't supposed to rain today," all the students said to each other. "The Girl from Mars makes sure the forecasts in the newspaper are accurate." Then the students heard a thunderous guffawing. A voice, from out of nowhere, said, "Haw haw haw, I am Superstank, a superhero from the Twonk galaxy. I have come to overthrow the Girl from Mars! Haw haw haw!" The students hurried to the Girl from Mars' house to tell her the dreadful news. The Girl from Mars had never had to deal with a threat of this nature, and was not sure what to do. She consulted her beloved students, and came to the conclusion that a showdown was in order. She had heard much of the Twonk galaxy, and its residents' below-average superhero skills. She laced up her steel-toe boots, put on her favorite superhero cape, and ventured outside to face her Twonky enemy. "Alright Superstank, give me all you've got!" she shouted, ready to face anything to save her dear village. Suddenly, a hideous misshapen face peered out from behind a tree. "Come and face me, I can handle anything you dish out!" the Girl from Mars challenged. The face continued to leer out at her from behind the tree. "Come on, then!" the Girl from Mars yelled. The creature made itself visible, and shouted at our hero, "I am Superstank and I will take over your village!" then Superstank ran off in the other direction. "Sheesh, that was weird," thought the Girl from Mars. For the next few weeks, the Girl from Mars went about her business in the village, but wherever she went she saw the horrid countenance of her enemy peering out from behind a building or a tree. "Whenever she is ready to face me, I am ready," she told her beloved villagers. Superstank continued her cat-and-mouse-like game for a few more weeks, then she disappeared for a short while. The Girl from Mars was out one morning watering flowers when she saw Superstank peering out from behind a park bench. This time, Superstank was wearing a big floppy hat and a new superhero cape. "Must have gone shopping," thought our hero. It turns out that Superstank thought that her frequent costume changes would fool the Girl from Mars. Hah! Our hero is not so easily fooled. The Girl from Mars had long tired of Superstank's puerile antics, and had begun to ignore her, until one day she opened her front door to find a flaming bag of some animal's excrement. "OK, I've just got to kick this raunchy superhero-wannabe's arse now!" yelled the Girl from Mars. The Girl from Mars knew of the Twonkians' love of writing and their lack of talent for doing so. The superheroes of the Twonk galaxy were pretentious idiots, according to her Superhero Handbook. Our hero had an idea. She walked outside and shouted at the sky, "Alright Superstank, it's time for a showdown. Bring your best writing and I'll bring mine, and the professors from the college in the village will rate them. The professors are neutral parties, in that they are not the students whom I look after, and they are not the bureaucracy with whom I spar. Now bring it on, you stank biatch!" Superstank was definitely up for this contest, being as she thought she was a great writer. She dug up her favorite of her poems, entitled "S&M and Sucking Cock." "This'll get 'em," she thought, "They're going to love it because I say 'cock' in it and it's so cool and trendy to be vulgar and crass! I will definitely take over the village, MWAHAHA!" The Girl from Mars grabbed any old thing she wrote and brought it to the panel of professors. The professors looked at Superstank's poem, and shouts of "Christ! What pretentious crap!" and "I wrote shit like this when I was twelve!" were heard. When they read the Girl from Mars' poem, they shrugged and said that it would do. The crowd of our hero's beloved students all pointed at the so-called villain and laughed as she flew off back to her galaxy. "I'll be back, Girl from Mars," she cackled, "and I'll bring some of my friends, you won't be so tough then!" The Girl from Mars shrugged and said "Do what you will, I'll still KICK YO ASS!!!" The crowd cheered, and lived happily ever after. There were occasional visits from the staring eyes of Superstank, but she was laughed out of the village whenever she surfaced. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #603 - WRITTEN BY: GIRL FROM MARS - 5/6/99 ]