[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #527 `888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8 888 888 888 888 888 "Four Stories To Giggle Over" 888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 888 888 888 888 888 " by Anilos 888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 3/21/99 o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] I: Advanced Life Saving, Baywatch Style ======================================== Mitch gives mouth to mouth to victim (preferably with large breasts). Mitch exhales to side. Mitch gives CPR. Terrorists attack. Mitch beats them up (even though they have neat fatigues and machine guns). CJ Cries. Mitch comforts her with his love and wisdom (uses the aptly named "affectionate, get laid face"). CJ achieves higher understanding. Mitch gets laid. Mitch receives gobs of cash. Mitch holds globe in his hands, towering godlike over creation. People of Earth rejoice. II: The Saga Of Dorothy Dahmer (Mockery of Marilyn Manson) =========================================================== Idiot #1: Cool! Idiot #2: It's gonna rock! Monroe: What are you guys talking about? Idiot #1: Dylan got tickets to the dorothy dahmer concert. Dylan/Idiot#2: What's with you Monroe, You'd never go to a rock concert! Your a fag! Idiot #1: Fag! Good one dylan, Huhuhu... Monroe: Uh, oh yeah? It just so happens that I'm going to the concert, front row seats! Dylan: Is that right? I got front row seats! I don't see ya there, I kick your ass!?! Monroe: Whu..? Monroe: Mom I... uh need a hundred bucks to buy a ticket from a scalper! Monroe's Mom: A hundred bucks! Dear lord, I'm hallucinating after only half a bottle. Monroe: If I don't go I'll get my ass kicked. Monroe's Mom: Relax! You go get ready, and I'll get you in for free. Monroe's Mom: This is the style, dude! Monroe: Oh my god! Mom! You don't know how stupid you look! Monroe's Mom: Backstage pass? Who want that? I Hate rock stars! It's the security guards I like! (Psst, go on in the door.) Monroe: Whoa... I'm in. Evil voice: Hey! Monroe: Huh? Dahmonite #1: Wanna do a luuude? Monroe: No! Leave me alone, please! Dahmonite #1: Still has morals, definately a virgin. Dahmonite #2: A perfect offering to the master. Dahmonite #2: Your gonna watch the show from backstage, little man! Monroe: Sweet! Monroe: Wow Dorothy Dahmer: I eat the sacrificial lamb with a bit of mint jelly I've got Satan's baby a-growing in my belly. Dorothy Dahmer: Thank you, you all suck! Dorothy Dahmer: For this next song I demand... a human sacrifice! Dorothy Dahmer: YOU! Monroe: Dorothy Dahmer: Hold him down, my impish minions, while I shower him with my wrath. Monroe: Please don't kill me! Dorothy Dahmer: A one and a two a braaallppphhh . Dorothy Dahmer: Give it up for puke boy, you maggots. Crowd: Yea pukey! Monroe: Hey, they like me! Monroe: Hey, Dylan, say, did you happen to see me on stage with the band? Dylan: That was pretty cool dillweed. In fact I'm not even gonna kick your ass. Monroe: All right! Dylan: But we'd all like to puke on the same guy that Dorothy Dahmer puke on, right guys? Crowd of Morons: Oh yeah! Dylan: Enough with the chit chat, let's get to pukin'. Monroe: Oh man! Maybe next time I'll just let them kick my ass! III: The Cap'n Made It Happen ============================= Nathaniel: Girl: Ah duh... What the hell are YOU looking at... Nathaniel: My manhood musta scared her... Ya, that's it. Hey, Look, It's da "Cap'n" Nathaniel: : How about you suck my tree trunk Cap'n! Nathaniel: Oh god Cap'n Intensity: So, so fed up. Thus ends the product of multiple inbreedings. IV: Why Peeing On An Electric Fence is Bad =========================================== Kid walks up to electric fence and begins to pee on it. - Cranial activity ends soon after, becomes a shadle high school student. - Head begins to catch fire, Looks like cancer stick (chicks dig it) - Hair loss may occur, use rogaine with minoxodyl. - Loss of ability to have kids as penis catches fire, But thats Ok all kids are evil. - Upper torso reduced to ash, oh well at least you don't need to get any New fashionable T-shirts (Note: May kill chance of females being attracted to you, awwww.) - After being totally set ablaze only a pair of shoes remain. [-----] First off, I would like to thank my friend Josh, me and him cooked these stories up at school a few weeks ago. He drew some comics for them and those are pretty nifty, but I couldn't draw them in ascii. I suck. There are no morals or lessons to be learned except for the following: - Baywatch and most other television programs are horrible (Who didn't see that one coming?) - Marilyn Manson is a waste of precious oxygen that would be better spent burning things in an inorganic chemistry class. - Don't ever call Josh "Captain Intensity" (A lot of you won't ever meet him, so I'm not worried.) - All warning labels need to be removed from dangerous products and places so idiots that pee on electric fences and ingest bleach are cleansed from the gene pool. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #527 - WRITTEN BY: ANILOS - 3/21/99 ]