$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #128 $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% >> "The Fun I Had with a Crazy, Old Vietnamese Lady" << by -> Muze ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Listen to this wild story. I have a radio show here at college with two other guys. It's a morning talk show called "The Chattershack". Dumb name, yes I know, but I didn't make it up, so that makes me happy. Woz and Chicago are the guys I do the show with. My radio name......we won't discuss that now, that's a whole different story. Ok, so I have this radio show and we do crazy shit on it. This is the dumbest tho. One night I was out driving around with one of my friends. We drive around aimlessly all the time. What else is there to do in Rensselaer? drink. But I didn't feel like doing that this night. So my friend, Jason, starts talking about spooky stuff that happens around the area. He mentions something about a crazy Vietnamese lady that throws things at people as they drive by in their cars. Sure they're not minding their own business, you have to honk at her to get her to come out of her house, but anyways. After Jason mentioned this I got _really_ curious. So I started asking tons and tons of questions. I find out all I need to know from Jason and move on to other sources. After I get all the info I can, I tell Woz and Chicago about it. They thought it was the funniest thing, so Woz gets the brilliant idea that he'll send me out one morning to harrass the old lady. And I did, we braodcasted it and everything. I even have in on videotape. So Woz sends me, Schneider, Michelle and Sam out to this ladies house. Mind you, this house isn't easy to find. It took me two nights to find it. Let me describe the location. Corn, corn,corn, soybeans, jungle, soybeans, corn, corn, corn. The jungle would be Vietnam . It's set back pretty far from the dirt road. It looks like a neat little house, what you can see of it. Except there's this little car sitting in the frontyard. All the windows and lights are smashed out of it. We're still not sure who's car it is, hers, or her victims. Anyway, the house is really hard to see from the road, but if you're at the right angle you can see parts of it. So the four of us truck on out to the middle of nowhere at 7am not really expecting much. We drive be the house and honk the horn and blow an airhorn and stuff at the house. Nothing. So we turn around and drive back. I'm sitting in the passenger seat, so I have a nice view of this ladies jungle. I see her. At first I thought it was a broken tree branch. You know how the inside of a tree can have that yellowish color......well, it wasn't a tree branch. She was out there plain as day. All I can remember is the yellow. As soon as I realized it was her I ducked. Sure I had the video camera, but I feared for my life. I couldn't just sit there and tape it. I screamed as loud as I could, we all did. the cell phone we had was on and we were live on the air on the radio. This lady chucked a fucking $8.00 hammer at us. And hit us hard.......she's got good fucking aim. Schneider yells "She broke my fucking window!@#$^". On the air. ouch. fcc. So when I look up, there's a fucking _claw_ hammer stuck in the windshield. Had we been going any faster the hammer would've shattered the passenger side window and knocked me in the face. I have it all on video and audio. I'll have to make a .wav file out of it. Funny shit after the fact. I'm still traumatized. So no one believes us until we show them the video. They all laughed at my near death, but then so did I. The van we were driving got a flat tire about one mile from this ladies house. We thought she was going to come bounding out of a field wielding another $8.00 hammer and kill us all. I've got to get the license plate number and run it. Must find out who that car belongs to. Crazy bitch almost took my life. But then, two nights later, I went back. Not of my own choice of course. I wasn't driving. She wasn't out tho, we only drove by once. I freaked out. Joel, who was sitting in the backseat with me had my head in his lap for about 5 minutes. I think he liked it. but that's it. that's my story. Except, before we went there the first time, I knew that she throws things at people. Hammers, axes, shovels.....she shoots shotguns. Rumor has it that she killed someone and got off. Crazy people in Rensselaer. Never drink the water. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- * (c) HoE publications. HoE #128 -- written by Muze -- 11/5/97 *