=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= JOURNAL ENTRIES 1992 -------------------- Written for F.U.C.K. Feb 10, 1996 During my college years (1988-1993) I kept a journal off and on. For the better part of 1989-1990 I made entries in my journal whether or not anything exciting happened. It was more of a way of getting my thoughts and ideas down on paper for future reference. After my journal entries slowed in 1990 I began doing a "zine." (Zine being an underground magazine.) The zine was called "Fathoms Below" and was more or less my journal entries on a less personal and smaller scale to a wider audience than myself. I produced some intense issues (5 in all) from Summer 1989 to Summer 1992 during which time I made very few journal entries. Below are two of my final journal entries-both of which happen to lean towards a more angry/uncertain self. I hope to bundle a bunch of my "better" journal entries and other writings into a future book entitled "Swimming in the Hate Pool." But for now, it is time to take a trip back in time to 1992. January 12, 1992-Sunday Wow, it is another semester again. I moved from the "Hell hole" I was in last semester to perhaps another bad situation. So I decide to go to the library in order to get some studying done. I decide 5th floor CES (at the University of Florida) because no talking should be going on (i.e. it is not allowed). I choose a seat and proceed to study and sure enough, about 15 fee away some girl and guy are talking. Well, since no talking is allowed I am getting seriously pissed off. My anger grows and that is all I seemed to be able to concentrate on at the time. Finally, I gave up trying to study-due to the talking and my anger-and proceeded on home to my dorm room. I caught a glimpse of Buffalo winning the AFC. They will now be going to the Super Bowl. Sometimes I feel I am too serious about studying. If I could relax and "breath" easier I don't think all these things would piss me off. My anger makes me mean and I do attempt to control my anger but sometimes am unable too. Like last night. My roommate-the frat brat Gary-and his friends came in around 2am and were making noise. I finally got my ear plugs out and used them but they were rude, inconsiderate, and just plain assholes. I wonder what I should or could do. My insides want me to go out and break these guys but I know it is a bit unrealistic. I'm strong but 3 against 1 would make things a bit uneven, even if I did use a bat. I am surprised I can control myself to keep from smashing though. When people disturb me at night I want to destroy. Talk it over with your roommate. That seems realistic but what happens when I become angry and nervous and say the wrong thing. Maybe he will get the point. Right now my throat feels like it has a knot in it and my stomach almost feels empty. Something's not right, I need a release, I need something. I least I think I need something. I try to do my best at school and stuff but when things get in my way I get upset. When I lose control I get down. So when I am disturbed by noise or a roommate I usually blow it all out of proportion and wham I'm back to where I was last semester-depressed, angry, and wanting out. Perhaps it is the vitamins. It is hard to say what is really going on. I'm reading a book called "Happiness is a choice." Is it really? I seem to let too many things get me down. Welp, the RA wanted me to reconstruct my bed-housing policy says furniture can not be disassembled since this is a new complex. I have more room in my 7'x11' cell this way, plus I don't care for springy beds. Anyhow, because I told him I'm not going to do it I will probably end up seeing a conduct board. [Which did happen.] Who knows what will happen. I will fight to keep my bed as it is or ask to be let off campus. I'm tired of their crap. Having assholes for roommates and such. It is really hard to say how all this is going to affect me. I will continue to fight for what I believe is right and do what I can to achieve it. Resorting to violence or destruction is not how I care to go about doing things. However if that happens it is simply because I was pushed too far. I'm trying to stay happy and content this semester and not let things overwhelm me. I pray that I can make it through the semester okay. This will be my last semester on campus housing-thank goodness-I can only hope for better in the real world or get help and face reality. January 27, 1992 Wow, just got out of Fields and I felt this intense feeling of anger, hatred, and just wanted to utterly destroy. The anger is over the new roommate Mark. I'm not sure about him but he doesn't seem to respect other individuals. Or, at least that is the way I see it. Sometimes I have a low frustration tolerance and this will help me but.Let me think of things he does or has done that bother me. Maybe that will make me feel better. Well, the first thing is he often plays his music loud assuming no one else cares. That annoys me and every once in awhile I tell him to turn it down. Thick skull. He as also used some of my silverware and not cleaned/replaced it back to where it belongs. Another thing is he smokes and I have noticed that he doesn't only do it in his own room-and I've talked to him about this. Haven't caught him at it though. And when I do want to talk to him he might just have his radio on loud. So the radio, smoke, using my stuff without cleaning it and not cleaning up messes he sometimes makes. Well, I think I will confront him about his smoke and ask him to keep it in his room as well as keeping the door shut when he does smoke. My roommates seem to have been manufactured in Roommate Hell. Where some mean asshole is mass producing indifferent mother- fuckers. At least, or at least I feel that, I'm not indifferent. I try to be considerate and not annoy others. So maybe this keeps me to myself. I can tolerate some stuff but I feel a little is enough. It is just when it starts effecting my emotions and gets me pissed off that I hate. Reflecting more on the positives and trying to be more tolerant as well as letting my thoughts known in a tactful manner is something I will attempt to do. Then it is time to bring someone like the RA in and after that it is time to play the same game-you live by the sword and you die by the sword. Okay, I'm calming down and trying to relieve myself of any anger and will attempt to be a nice guy again. If you let them, they will destroy you, Pallbearer =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, etc etc... = = Internet : jericho@netcom.com (Mail is welcome) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = gote land +27.31.441115 = = Arrested Development +31.77.3547477 = = Chemical Persuasion 203.324.0894 Celestial Woodlands 214.252.6455 = = that stupid place 215.985.0462 Hacker's Haven 303.343.4053 = = E.L.F. (NUP) 314.272.3426 Misery 318.625.4532 = = Dungeon Sys. 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