______________________________________________________________________________ T ||==\\ || || ||==\\ ||==|| || || B L E N D E R C O R P O R A T I O N || || || || || || || \\ // ------------------------------------ H || || || || ||==// ||=|| >|< >>> Presents <<< || || || || || \\ || // \\ HLYTOAST.DBC E ||==// \\==// || \\ ||==|| || || #025-RT08 -- [09/29/92] ______________________________________________________________________________ The Holiness Parable of the Toast --------------------------------- by Random Tox While meditating and making a small talisman during an autumn equinox ritual, Reverend Doktor Random Tox was asked as to the nature of his amulet by a young seeker. "Does this amulet represent the Most Holy Blender to you, oh great one?" the seeker asked. "It represents the passing of the seasons, the rotation of the earth beneath the brilliant stars above and the changes of nature -- and it symbolizes eggs and Toast." Reverend Tox replied, thinking back to his breakfast that morning, one of the few breakfasts he has time to eat in his brief life. "I see." said the seeker, appearing pensive, yet showing some confusion. "But what is this you say about Toast?" Reverend Tox proceeded to illuminate the young inquirer as to the holy nature of Toast and burnt crumbs, and how they link the universe to our souls and spirits, leading nature forward with firm, bold footsteps. "Toast parallels the cycle of the seasons, and in fact the seasons follow the cycle of Toast. As the Toast slowly becomes warmer, the days become colder. Ask your science teacher about heat conduction and he will verify this, for everything need not be mystical. The Toast browns, as do to the leaves on the mighty trees, from the elm to the oak, from the towering redwood to the newly planted dogwood sapling. As the Toast deepens in shade, the trees likewise deepen, and adopt earth-tones (which are quite popular this year, and I hear plaid is coming back). The Toast darkens even more as you forget about it, and there is nothing you can do to halt the process, save for unplugging the Toaster, which symbolizes the halt of the seasons, and the death of the world. The seasons are likewise unstoppable, and to cease their turn can only mean that the gods themselves have left us. Nights darken and come earlier, and as the Toast burns, blackens and the little crumbly bits fall off, so do the leaves on the trees, no more than crisped, darkened parodies of their former selves. The black crumbs of Toast collect at the bottom of the Toaster and leave a burnt, charred smell in your kitchen as the fallen leaves collect in the streets of cities and hamlets across the globe and begin to rot in their own special brown morass of bacteria and lack of chlorophyll. "Your Toast becomes a blackened, inedible charcoal crust, and then the leaves are bare, the world barren and covered with a warming blanket of snow. You attempt, in vain, to disguise the repulsive nature of dying, benighted Toast with a plethora of jams and sugars. Yet, beneath the coating of flavorful pleasure, the foul, besmirched Toast remains, and the earth remains beneath the snow. You eventually give up trying to eat it, tearfully surrendering to the inevitable cycle. The Toast sits untouched, cooling, and the earth grows warmer as the Toast releases the heat taken, signalling the return of the temperate days. It is then you realize you will never in your life eat this piece of Toast. "Spring comes about and in despair, you crumble the Toast and throw it out your window for the birds. From all across the land, hundreds of newborn birds and squirrels flock to the Toast in an effort to eat what to *them* is no doubt a wonderful treat, however stale, black and sticky it may be. The Toast has then provided nourishment for these little creatures, which are now happy little animals. They shall then proceed to live out fruitful lives until they are cruelly shot and killed, only to be sold as bits of feathers and fur, a piece of skin and a yummy meal for a hungry man. And for what? Pieces of paper with green pictures on them. "This man, well fed on happy little animals, plants majestic, sweeping fields, filled with amber waves of grain. The wheat is harvested and pounded into white dust called flour, made into bread, which you throw in your Toaster, and thus ensure the perpetuation of the seasons. There initiate, does this answer satisfy you?" "Yes, oh wise one. But what about eggs?" the initiate asked. "They go very well with Toast, either scrambld or fried. I put them on top of my Toast, and sometimes I eat cheese with it too. A truly excellent breakfast." With this, the Reverend Doktor Random Tox ate pieces of cake and the ritual proceeded, and a good time was had by all. ______________________________________________________________________________ (C)1992 by Random Tox and The Durex Blender Corporation All Rights Available at the Door. No Reservations. "Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Random Tox. I have the great honor and pleasure to present you with Turnex, the Blender for the Next Millenium! Slice tomatoes, smash potatoes, apples, cherries, blueberries, raspberries in a fraction of a second. Turnex, the son of Durex, the ONLY BLENDER WHICH CAN BE TURNED INTO A MOST POWERFUL VACUUM CLEANER!" The Durex Blender Corporation : Boston (617) 696-8156 - 24oo/8N1 - 24 hours