旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � � � STONEHENGE BBS � � SAN RAFAEL, CA. � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � Your Sysop is John Chipps � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 (415) 479-8328 24 HOURS 300-1200-2400 BAUD 8-N-1 The following are a collection of humorous text files that I have gathered from bulletin boards from across the country as well as from other sources. They have appeared weekly in the VARIETY section on STONEHENGE BBS. I would like to share this collection. If you have anything to add, your upload would be appreciated. PART I x SISTER MARY ELIZABETH O'REILLY THE RESCUE MISSION FARMINGTON, MICHIGAN 48041 Perhaps you have heard of me and my nationwide campaign in the crusade of temperance. Each year, for the past fourteen, I have made a tour of Michigan, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and California. I have delivered a series of lectures on the evils of drinking. In this tour, I have been accompanied by my young assistant, Warren Butterworth. Warren, a young man of good family and excellent background is a pathetic example of life ruined by excessive indulgence in whiskey and women. Warren would appear with me at the lectures and sit on the platform wheezing and staring at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes, sweating profusely, picking his nose, passing gas and making obscene gestures at the audience setting an example of what over indulgence can do to a person. Last fall, unfortunately, Warren died. Shortly our crusade will be travelling in your area. A mutual friend has given me your name and address. I wonder if you would be able to take Warren's place on my annual tour. I will call when I get to your locale. Yours in Faith, Sister Mary Elizabeth O'Reilly Rescue Mission President Stonehenge BBS [415]479-8328 x MEN'S ROOM BEHAVIOR You may expect to find one or more of the following behaviors in a men's room at any time. 1. EXCITABLE: shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. 2. SOCIABLE: joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not. 3. CROSSEYED: looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is hung. 4. TIMID: cannot piss if someone is watching, flushed urinal and comes back later. 5. INDIFFERENT: all urinals being used, pisses in sink. 6. CLEVER: no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor. 7. WORRIED: not sure where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. 8. PLAYFUL: plays stream up. down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug. 9. ABSENT MINDED: opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. 10. CHILDISH: pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. 11. SNEAK: farts silently when pissing, acts very innocent, knows man at next stall will get blamed. 12. PATIENT: stands very close for a long time while waiting, reads with free hand. 13. DESPARATE: waits in long line, legs crossed, pisses in pants. 14. TOUGH: bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it. 15. EFFICIENT: wait til he has to shit, then does both. 16. FAT: backs up and takes a blind shot urinal, pisses in shoe. 17. Little: Stands on box. 18. Drunk: holds left thumb in right hand. Pisses in pants. 19. DISGRUNTLED: stands for a while, gives up, walks away. 20. CONCEITED: holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat. x ---- EVERYBODY DOES IT Part I. (A-B) ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures. ACTORS do it on cue. ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method. AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker. ANSI does it in the standard way. ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old. ARCHITECTS have great plans. ARTISTS are exhibitionists. ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over. ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus. ATTORNEYS make better motions. AUDITORS like to examine figures. BABYSITTERS charge by the hour. BAILIFFS always come to order. BAKERS knead it daily. BAND MEMBERS play all night. BANKERS do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal!) BARBERS do it with shear pleasure. BARTENDERS do it on the rocks. BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base. BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often. BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey. BEER BREWERS do it with more hops. BEER DRINKERS get more head. BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds. BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry BOSSES delegate the task to others. BOWLERS have bigger balls. BRICKLAYERS lay all day. BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber. BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time. BUTCHERS have better meat. XX HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? A. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." .....the end XX Stonehenge BBS [415]479-8328 SELF IMPROVEMENT CLASSES NOW AVAILABLE BELOW IS A PARTIAL LIST OF CLASSES BEING OFFERED THIS SPRING 1. SELF IMPROVEMENT Creative Suffering Overcoming Peace of Mind Guilt Without Sex Ego Gratification Through Violence Creative Depression Whine Your Way to Alienation How to Overcome Self Doubt Through Pretense and Ostentation A New Drug to Enhance Your Social Life 2. BUSINESS AND CAREER Money Can Make You Rich. I made $100 in Real Estate Career Opportunities in El Salvador How to Profit From Your Own Body The Underachievers Guide to Very Small Business Looters Guide to American Cities Growing Grass For Fun and Profit 3. HOME ECONOMICS How You Can Convert Your Family Room Into a Garage 1001 Other Uses For Your Vacuum Cleaner Burglarproof Your Home With Concrete The Repair and Maintenance of Your Virginity How to Convert a Wheelchair Into a Dunebuggy Christianity and the Art of RV Maintenance 4. HEALTH AND FITNESS Creative Tooth Decay Exorcism and Acne The Joys of Hyperchondria High Fiber Sex Biofeedback and How to Stop it. Skate Yourself to Regularity Tap Dance Yourself to Social Ridicule Optimum Body Functions 5. CRAFTS Self-Actualization Through Macrame How to Draw Genitalia Needlecraft for Junkies XX Stonehenge BBS [415]479-8328 INSURANCE REPORTS The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of their accidents. * Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have. * The other car collided with me without giving warning of its intentions. * I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. * A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. * A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. * The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. * I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed for the embankment. * To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me, I hit a pedestrian * My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. * I told the police I was not injured, but removing my cap I found I had a fractured skull. * The pedestrian had no idea in which direction to run, so I ran over him. * The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. * An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. * I saw a slow-moving sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. * I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I hit him. * The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end. * I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave out causing the accident. * I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident. XX WHY CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN: The average cucumber is at least six inches long. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't count. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety. A cucumber will never leave you for another woman. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. Cucumbers don't get TOO excited. Cucumbers are easy to pick up. It's easy to drop a cucumber. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry. You always know where your cucumber has been. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month. You can eat a cucumber when YOU feel like it. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin. Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is married, A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. XX EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS TO: All Department Heads FROM: Personnel Department SUBJ: New Employee Evaluation Forms NAME:__________________________________ DATE:_______________________ JOB TITLE:_____________________________ DATE HIRED:_________________ DEPARTMENT:____________________________ SUPERVISOR:_________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ACCURACY __DOES SHITTY WORK AND CONSTANTLY FUCKS UP __DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT IF OUTPUT IS RIGHT OR WRONG __PRETTY GOOD, ONLY AN OCCASIONAL SCREW-UP __DOES GOOD WORK IF NOT PRE-OCCUPIED WITH BROADS/STUDS ________________________________________________________________________ RATE OF __DOESN'T DO A FUCKING THING ALL DAY LONG WORK __WORKS ONLY IF KICKED IN THE ASS VERY OFTEN __DOES A LOT OF WORK AT REVIEW TIME __GOES LIKE A SON-OF-A-BITCH IF HE THINKS HE'LL GET A RAISE __FASTEST MOTHER-FUCKER IN THE WEST ________________________________________________________________________ DEPENDABILITY __COMPLETELY INCOMPETENT MOTHER-HUMPING JERK __NEEDS FREQUENT THREATS AND ASS CHEWINGS __CONSCIENTIOUS ONLY IF SEX URGE IS SATISFIED __USUALLY DEPENDABLE AT SALARY REVIEW TIME __REALLY A RELIABLE COCK-SUCKER ________________________________________________________________________ KNOWLEDGE __STUPID BASTARD, DOESN'T KNOW HIS ASS FROM FIRST BASE __KNOWS JUST ENOUGH TO BE DANGEROUS __ADEQUATE BRAIN POWER, BUT DOESN'T USE IT __KNOWS MOST PHASES OF THE JOB __SON-OF-A-BITCH REALLY KNOWS HIS SHIT ________________________________________________________________________ COOPERATION __PISS POOR ATTITUDE, THINKS HE IS BEING SHIT ON __OFTEN PISSES OFF CO-WORKERS __COOPERATIVE ONLY IF ASS IS KISSED FREQUENTLY __BROWN NOSER FIRST CLASS __COOPERATIVE IF PAID ENOUGH ________________________________________________________________________ ORDERLINESS __SLOPPY, DIRTY, FILTHY BASTARD-WORSE THAN OSCAR __PISSES IN ASH TRYS, SHITS IN THE CORNER __SOMETIMES EMPTIES ASH TRAYS AND HITS THE WASTBASKET __NEAT AND ORDERLY __NEATER THAN FELIX _________________________________________________________________________ HANDLING __CONSTANTLY PISSES OFF THE TROOPS AND __FREQUENTLY GETS THE FINGER DEVELOPING__OCCASIONALLY GETS TOLD TO GET FUCKED PEOPLE __ONLY THE JANITORS OBEY HIM __CARRIES HATCHET AND GETS EXCELLENT RESULTS SUPERVISOR:______________________ ___________________________________ ___________________________________ The word "Fuck" Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the english language today is "fuck." It is one magical word which by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. Fuck is derived from the German word "Fricken" which means "Whoopee." In language "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb - both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary really doesnt give a fuck). Use it as an adverb (Mary is fucking intrested in John) or a noun (Mary is fucking beautiful). How many words are as versatile as fuck? Besides its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations. Fraud I got fucked by the insurance agent. Dismay Oh, fuck... Trouble I guess I am fucked now. Aggression Fuck you! Passion Let's fuck Confusion What the fuck? Difficulty I can't understand this fucking business. Dispair The VAX fucked me again... Philosophy Who gives a flying fuck Incompetence He's a fuck up. Laziness He's a fuck off. Displeasure What the fuck's going on Rebellion Aw, fuck it. It can be used antomically; He's really a fucking asshole. It can be used to tell time; It's five fucking thirty. It can be used in business; How did I get this fucking job. It can be a prediction; Oh well, I'll be fucked. It can be maternal; He's a mother fucker. It can be incestous; I'll be a mother fucker. It can be nautical; Fuck the admiral. It can be political; Fuck the president. It can be used to enhance another word's meaning; Fan-Fucking Tastic It can open the door to wonderful relationships; Let's fuck. How can anyone be offended when you say "fuck"? Use it in your daily speech, it adds prestige. Tell someone "Fuck You" today. The above files have been selected so they are one page in length. You might want to pick your choices and post on your office bulletin board. VARIETY2 will soon be forthcoming, a continuation of the above. VARIETY3 will follow consisting of computer humor. Please! If you can add to these files, your upload would be appreciated. STONEHENGE BBS San Rafael, Calif. 415 479-8328 2400 BAUD 8-N-1 24 HOURS