FADE IN: EXTERIOR MASH COMPOUND -- DAY Unit is being inundated with wounded, who are lying about on the ground. At least two trucks are in the process of disgorging more wounded soldiers. Helicopters overhead bringing still more. Frenzied activity around wounded men. Cries of pain and groans mix with barked orders ("Morphine! Stat!") and questions ("More plasma here, Doctor?") INTO FRAME Jeep with driver and passenger. The passenger, a nurse, takes one look at the situation, jumps out of the still-moving jeep and starts toward the nearest wounded man. DRIVER Hey! What about your bags? JACKIE Just leave them anywhere. I'll find them later. And... thanks. Driver starts to unload a large suitcase from the back of the jeep. DRIVER Sure thing. And hey, (looking around; softly) Good luck. ANGLE ON Jackie, who doesn't hear him. She's kneeling beside a wounded man, checking beneath his bandage. Beside them is a fresh-faced kid with strawberry blond hair escaping from beneath his head bandages. The blond kid sits up and winks at Jackie with a come-on smile. She busies herself with another patient. Despite her dress uniform, Jackie blends in with her surroundings. None of the MASH regulars notice her. LONG SHOT. Jackie moves on to another patient. The blond kid is still sitting up, following her with his eyes. INTERIOR OPERATING ROOM Crowded. Tumultuous. The usual compliment of doctors and nurses operating, enlisted men carrying wounded in and out. Klinger is seen rushing to and fro with x-rays or i.v.s. B.J. Is there a sale on? This is the biggest crowd I've ever seen in here. Hawekeye doesn't look up from his patient. Jackie, appropriately outfitted, is assisting him. HAWKEYE (bitterly) What did they do, find another irresistible piece of Korea? POTTER (with disgust) Hill 7086. This is punctuated with the metallic SOUND of a piece of shrapnel that he angrily throws into a bucket. HAWKEYE Maybe we should collect all the hardware we've mined out of these boys -- clamp! -- gift wrap it -- sponge! -- and send it to the generals of both sides. At each order, Hawkeye reaches for the requested item and finds it already waiting for him. Jackie is anticipating his needs. B.J. Let them build their own hill. HAWKEYE Let them build a mountain. Let them build a mountain range! In fact -- sponge! -- we've got enough material right here for each side to build its own country. Silk! As before, each time Hawkeye asks for something, Jackie already has it waiting. He pauses for a half second, looks questioningly at her masked face, shrugs and turns back to his patient. POTTER Done! (shouts) Next! He rips off his gloves. A nurse brings him a fresh pair. At the same time, another patient has been wheeled in beside him. He begins another operation. CHARLES If Edward R. Murrow would comment less and operate more, he might get some work done. HAWKEYE All right, Speedy, if you think you can resection this bowel any faster, be my guest. CHARLES (chuckling) I'd hate to take you away from your natural habitat. Besides, this gentleman (indicates his own patient) has a vested interest in retaining the best surgeon present. HAWKEYE (like an announcer) And this, ladies and gentlemen, from a man whose head has already outgrown his hair! Charles is too busy with his operation to reply. Hawkeye pulls off his gloves and nods to another nurse to bring him a fresh pair. To Jackie: Close for me. (shouts) Next! Another patient is immediately rolled up to him, and he gets to work. Another nurse assists him. JACKIE Done. Hawkeye looks up briefly, apparently surprised that she has finished so quickly, then turns back to his patient. The blond kid with the head bandages staggers confusedly into the operating room. CHARLES (without looking up. annoyed.) Get that fellow out of here! He'll contaminate everything! Jackie turns to see who Charles is referring to and recognizes the young soldier from triage. Concerned, she goes over to him. JACKIE What's your name, Soldier? SOLDIER (mumbles incoherently. He's spacey, confused.) Jackie gently pushes him into a chair. She pulls a penlight out of her pocket and examines his eyes. With growing alarm, she notices blood draining out of his left ear. JACKIE (loudly; alarmed) Doctor! I think we have a left cerebral hemorrhage here! B.J. immediately looks up at Jackie, then turns to Margaret who is assisting him. B.J. Can you finish this? Margaret nods. B.J. rushes to Jackie's side. JACKIE His left pupil's dilated and he's bleeding from his left ear... B.J. (shouts) Get me a table -- stat! I need to drill! INTERIOR SCRUB ROOM -- NIGHT Hawkeye and B.J. are draped across the bench. Potter staggers in, takes a bleary-eyed look at them and slumps beside them. Charles stumbles in and falls across one of the sinks. Throughout the following, Hawkeye looks as if he's trying to remember something. CHARLES Cruel and unusual punishment. Twenty-eight hours of unremitting surgery at breakneck speed is cruel and unusual... B.J. (interrupting) Be glad it isn't your neck that's broken. CHARLES That isn't an operating room in there -- it's an assembly line. B.J. (wryly) Fisher Bodies. POTTER I know what yo're saying. Sure, twenty-eight hours of stringing wet spaghetti is tough, but I can't think of crueler or more unusual punishment than what those boys have been through. B.J. The waste. The incredible waste. And we would've lost one more if it wasn't for that quick thinking nurse who caught the cerebral hemorrhage... Who was she, anyway? HAWKEYE (sits up abruptly) That's it! Tell me if I'm crazy... CHARLES (drily) I assure you, you are. HAWKEYE No, seriously. Did anyone else notice a well-oiled machine in there, in the gorgeous shape of a nurse? POTTER Now that you mention it, it did seem as if Radar'd come back in female form. CHARLES Quite an improvement, I must say. HAWKEYE Yes, I suppose you must. POTTER (musing) Seemed like the woman could see right into my upper story. Hawkeye springs up, seemingly recharged. HAWKEYE I've got to know. (stumbles toward door) Who was that masked woman? INTERIOR POST OP Margaret, obviously still tired from the marathon surgery, is on duty. Klinger bursts in. KLINGER (exuberantly) Neither rain nor snow nor sleet nor dark of night shall stay this courier from his appointed rounds! He hands her a letter with a flourish. MARGARET (annoyed) That's enough, Klinger. Thank you and be gone. Klinger bows deeply and walks to the other end of the room, past the rows of recovering wounded. One calls to him. BIG AL Hey you! Klinger turns to see who called. BIG AL Yeah, you. C'mere! (gestures to Klinger) KLINGER Anything I can do for you, Soldier? BIG AL Ain't you the guy with the dresses? KLINGER (brightens) You've heard of me? BIG AL I been here before, but the docs patched me up and I got back to the action. KLINGER (smiling, friendly) So, how're you doing? (comes closer to Big Al) Anything I can get for you? We have special rates for return customers. By now Klinger is about to sit on the side of Big Al's bed, ready for a friendly chat. BIG AL Stay away from me, Queer! KLINGER (shocked) What? BIG AL You heard me! I remember you. You're the queer with more dresses than a movie star. KLINGER You've got it all wrong! I was bucking for a Section Eight but it didn't work out and I got tired of trying. (half to himself) I don't know why it worked for Uncle Ahmed... BIG AL (hysterical) There's a whole family of them! Get away! Get away from me! Margaret comes running. She pushes past Klinger. MARGARET (impatiently) Get out of the way! (to Big Al; soothingly) Now, now. You don't want to open your stitches, do you? BIG AL (still hysterical) Get him away from me! MARGARET Klinger, you idiot! Can't you see you're upsetting him? Big Al shakes his fist threateningly at Klinger. BIG AL You get away and stay away! Big Al is warnin' ya for the first and last time! Pervert! (he spits) Klinger exits, puzzled and hurt. INTERIOR MESS TENT Hawkeye joins the line of people waiting to be served. Among those near him is Jackie. He stares at the brown stuff that is slopped onto his tray. HAWKEYE (bitterly) I've seen more appetizing piles under water buffalo. JACKIE (with good-humored, exaggerated surprise) And I thought this was the cream of the crap. Hawkeye brightens. He studies her with the appreciation of a connoisseur. HAWKEYE Ah, you must be our mystery nurse. JACKIE Mystery nurse? HAWKEYE Faster than a speeding hemorrhage, more powerful than a retractor, able to leap tall gurneys in a single bound... Jackie laughs. HAWKEYE Benjamin Franklin Pierce at your service. You can call me Hawkeye. JACKIE Jackie Hyde. Both are standing, holding full trays. They awkwardly try to shake hands and laugh. Jackie, followed by Hawkeye, goes over to get some coffee. HAWKEYE (with mock horror) You aren't going to =DRINK= that, are you? JACKIE What else would I do with it? HAWKEYE (thoughtfully) I hear it works pretty well as anti-freeze, paint thinner or battery acid. JACKIE Judging from the unappetizing mass on my tray, the coffee should go with it perfectly. As they sit together at the nearest available table, Hawkeye's anticipatory lecherous grin makes it clear that he regards Jackie as sexual prey. She doesn't see his expression. HAWKEYE So, when did you blow in and, more importantly, for how long? JACKIE To answer in order of importance, I've been assigned here (pause) and it already feels like forever. Are you always this busy? HAWKEYE (looking grim) You caught us during our two-for-one special -- send us one regiment and we'll patch up another for free. (changes his tone) But that's enough shop. Let's talk about you. Where are you from? JACKIE You've never heard of it. Elmsford, New York. And you? HAWKEYE You've never heard of it, either, but it's the most wonderful town in the world. Crab Apple Cove, Maine. JACKIE You sound like you miss it. HAWKEYE More than I ever thought possibl. Don't you miss Elmsford? JACKIE I spent too much energy trying to get away. Maybe I haven't been gone long enough to miss it. Charles sets his tray beside jackie's and sits down. She is now flanked by the two men. CHARLES Well, well. You must be the new nurse. I must say, I was most impressed with your work in o.r. JACKIE Thank you... Doctor? CHARLES Charles Emerson Winchester the Third. HAWKEYE (annoyed) Chuckles to his friends. Don't you have something better to do, Charles? Somewhere =ELSE=? CHARLES Now, Hawkeye, what could be better than making the acquaintance of a nurse who is as skilled as she is fair? JACKIE (smiling) You are too kind. HAWKEYE (sarcastically) Yes, Charles, you're just too, too. B.J. joins them, sliding his tray onto the table and sitting opposite the others. Hawkeye looks disgusted. B.J. Hi! You must be the new kid on the block. I'm B.J. Hunnicutt. JACKIE Jackie Hyde They shake hands. JACKIE What's the B.J. stand for? B.J. (broad, open grin) Anything you like. CHARLES (drily) B.J.'s from California. You'll have to excuse him. JACKIE For what? I think he's charming. HAWKEYE (meaningfully) He's charmingly =MARRIED=. B.J. (grinning contentedly) Happily. JACKIE (shrugs) That's good. HAWKEYE (enthusiastically) Good! That's =GREAT=! (catches himself) I mean, it's wonderful when a man and a woman find one another and something meshes and... Jackie stands up abruptly. JACKIE (coldly) I'm sure it is. Jackie exits. Hawkeye, B.J. and Charles exchange puzzled looks as Hawkeye hastily rises to follow her. EXTERIOR MESS TENT Zale is in the background working on a jeep. Throughout the following, he listens carefully. Hawkeye rushes to walk beside Jackie, who has just come out of the Mess Tent. HAWKEYE Hey, I didn't mean to come on so strong. I mean, it isn't every day that an attractive woman comes to this corner of hell. I guess I got carried away. I'm sorry. Can't we be friends? Jackie stops and smiles. HAWKEYE Friends? JACKIE Friends. Hawkeye and Jackie walk together. Zale follows surreptitiously. HAWKEYE To continue our rudely interrupted conversation, are you married, engaged or otherwise encumbered? Jackie stops, frowns and starts to move away. JACKIE Friends, huh? HAWKEYE (affirmatively) Yes, friends. (follows her) Friends hav to know about one another. For instance, I am not spoken for in any way. How about you? JACKIE (in a tone of dismissal) I speak for myself. She walks away, stiffly. Hawkeye pensively watches Jackie's receding form. A nurse passes him. NURSE (with satisfaction) Looks like you've met your match. Colonel Potter and Father Mulcahy step beside Hawkeye. In the background we see Zale approach the nurse and converse with her. POTTER (appreciateively, indicating the departed Jackie) A spirited filly. I don't know if she can be broken. HAWKEYE I don't want to break her. I just want to (pause. looks at Mulcahy) know her (pause) biblically. MULCAHY I'll pretend I didn't hear that. But I think you should check with the lady. HAWKEYE That's what I'm trying to do. INTERIOR POST OP Margaret and Jackie are making the rounds together, checking the patient in the bed next to Big Al's. The patient is the blond kid, and he's unconscious. MARGARET (reading chart) And this is Bob Tyler. (pause) I guess I don't have to tell you about him. (admiringly) You were really quick in there. JACKIE (embarrassed) I was just doing my job. MARGARET If you keep doing it like that, you may discover you're an officer before long. Well, as you know, his reflexes mustbe checked hourly for any sign of paralysis. Jackie nods. They move on to Big Al. MARGARET (reading chart) Dressing must be checked three times a day. Big Al raises himself part way to leer at Jackie. BIG AL Hey, good lookin'! What ya got cookin'? JACKIE (quietly) Nothing that would interest you. Now, lie back and relax. You don't want to aggravate your wounds, do you? Gently, but firmly, she pushes him back against his pillow. BIG AL For you, Babe, anything. (to Margaret) Hey, Blondie. MARGARET (restraining herself) What. BIG AL Who's in charge of this joint? MARGARET Colonel Potter. Why? BIG AL I wanna talk to him. MARGARET Is it anything we can do? He's very busy. BIG AL (importantly) Naw. This is =MAN'S= business. But (meaningfully) there's plenty =OTHER= things you can do for me... Big Al's hand shoots toward Jackie, who is still standing beside his bed, but she's too quick for him. She grasps his hand and forces it to his side. BIG AL (leering) Wait 'till I'm stronger, Babe. Margaret and Jackie walk toward the door. MARGARET (indicating Big Al) Occupational hazard. It comes with the territory. JACKIE (sighing) I know. I only wish it were restricted to the patients. MARGARET (sympathetically) Hawkeye. Jackie nods. They exit. INTERIOR "THE SWAMP" Hawkeye is carefully pouring liquid from the still into a wine bottle. B.J. is watching him dubiously B.J. I thought you wanted to impress her, not poison her. HAWKEYE (grinning) She's already passed the acid test -- she walked out of the Mess Tent on her own power. B.J. Rather hastily, I recall. Look, Hawk, maybe you're just not her type. HAWKEYE (insistently) Ridiculous! She's a woman; I'm a man. It's fate. Enter Charles. CHARLES (chuckling) Well, well. I hear Dulcinea isn't responding to your amorous advances. HAWKEYE I wouldn't want this conquest to be too easy, Sancho. I'm warming her up for the legendary Pierce treatment. CHARLES (sarcastically) Yes. And we'll see who gets shafted. HAWKEYE I don't suppose you'd spare me your pompous pearls. CHARLES (exaggerated surprise) I? Toss pearls before swine? (self satisfied laugh) Although I admit she's a pretty wench, I prefer to remain aloof from another's affaire du coeur. I'll simply sit back (he does) and enjoy your little comic opera. HAWKEYE Great! (heads for the door) And while you exercise your tush, I'll exercise my fabled prowess! Carrying the bottle of "wine" and two glasses, he exits whistling. EXTERIOR "THE SWAMP" As Hawkeye is leaving the tent, Margaret almost collides into him. MARGARET Hawkeye! I was just coming to see you. HAWKEYE (dramatically) Hot Lips! Darling! I had no idea... MARGARET (annoyed) Stop it, Hawkeye. This is serious. Hawkeye puts on a mock-serious expression. MARGARET My nurses are not here for your enjoyment. She looks meaningfully at his "wine" and two glasses. HAWKEYE (exaggerated surprise) They aren't? MARGARET (frustrated) Stop it! My nurses are trained medical professionals. They are here to do a job. I won't allow anyone to interfere with that -- not even you. Do you understand? HAWKEYE (seriously) Nobody's interfering with their job. But what they -- and I -- do on our own time is our own business. He turns and walks away. MARGARET (shouting, to his back) If I see any nurse falling down on her duties, I will hold you directly responsible. Hawkeye turns, grinning widely. HAWKEYE And I'll love every minute of it! He gaily waves his wine bottle and walks away. INTERIOR POST OP Klinger crashes in. The nurse on duty tries to stop him. NURSE (hissing) Stop it! Quiet! This is a hospital! By this time, Klinger has reached Big Al's bedside. He proudly displays a prominent, fresh black eye. KLINGER Hey, Big Al! You want proof I'm all man? When's the last time you saw a sissy with one of these? BIG AL The last time I gave him one. Get the hell outa here, Fairy. KLINGER (surprised) Oh yeah? (with righteous indignation) I got this fightin' over at Rosie's Bar. You can ask anyone! You ever hear of a fightin' fairy? Huh? I'm a charter member of the Toledo Mud Hens! Looka that! He makes a muscle. NURSE (trying to pull him away) Klinger! What are you doing? KLINGER (ignoring her) Ya call that a sissy? I'm tough -- maybe the toughest guy in this camp. I survived the streets of Toledo! I'm king of the pool halls... BIG AL (interrupting; voice low) I warned ya once already, Pervert. Get the hell away from me. Big Al raises himself part way and grabs Klinger. BIG AL (menacingly) I eat fairies like you for breakfast. KLINGER Oh yeah? They are nose to nose, fists poised. NURSE Doctor! Someone! Help! The nurse ineffectively pulls at first one then the other. Colonel Potter rushes in. POTTER Klinger! What in the name of crosspatch are you doing? Klinger is pulled up short. As he disentangles himself from his adversary, he says the following. KLINGER Uh oh. His master's voice. POTTER Get out. I'll deal with you later. Klinger eits apprehensively. POTTER (to Big Al) Now, what's put a burr under your saddle blanket? BIG AL (indicating the departed Klinger) Why isn't he locked up somewheres? POTTER All right, what did he do? I know he's a mite hot- blooded -- Mediterranean, you know. BIG AL (surprised) Do? Don't you know what he is? His kind don't belong with real men. POTTER (also surprised) Klinger? Now what ever put that notion in your noggin? BIG AL Ain't he the guy used to waltz around here like a dame? In dresses? POTTER Sure. But that was only to get out of the army. BIG AL Well, why didn't they kick him out and lock him up? POTTER Because everyone knw it was a scam. And anyway, those days are over. BIG AL It's a scam, all right. That fairy's got you all fooled. POTTER (reassuringly) Klinger's a good boy. Sure he has his quirks, but then, don't we all? And he does a bang-up job as our company clerk. (he stands up) I wouldn't worry about it, Son. You just concentrate on getting better. As Potter exits,Big Al's expression is one of deepening suspicion. He is not convinced about Klinger, and now he's wondering about Potter's masculinity. EXTERIOR POST OP Klinger, confused and angry, sees Potter coming out of Post Op. KLINGER (under his breath) Oh boy. Here it comes. POTTER What happened in there? KLINGER That guy's crazy! POTTER Seems the feeling's mutual. The two walk together. KLINGER Every time he sees me, he calls me something worse. He thinks I'm a sissy. POTTER And you got that shiner proving otherwise? Klinger gingerly feels his eye. KLINGER Huh? Oh yeah. (thinks) Guess so. POTTER Was it worth it? Klinger's face slowly breaks into a broad grin as he remembers the terrific fight he had. KLINGER (enthusiastically) You shoulda seen it! It was like the old days at Toledo Fats'. I sent Zale flyin' through the window... Potter, not understanding the attraction of this form of recreation, shakes his head and puts a fatherly hand on Klinger's shoulder. POTTER Well, just make sure you don't fight any more patients. No matter how pesky they get, we're here to cure 'em, not kill 'em. Klinger nods. EXTERIOR MESS TENT Jackie is about to enter the Mess Tent when Hawkeye, carrying the "wine" and two glasses, stops her. Charles is seen approaching in the background, but he stops to listen to the following. HAWKEYE (indicating the Mess) How would you like to be saved from a fate worse than death? Jackie looks at his eager face and at what he's carrying. JACKIE Is that your standard courtship kit? Hawkeye nods, smiling at what he sees as his imminent triumph. Jackie turns to the Mess Tent and enters. JACKIE (dramatically) Death be not proud! Charles, his interest in Jackie obviously kindled, passes the disappointed Hawkeye and follows her through the door. INTERIOR MESS TENT Jackie is being served. Charles joins her. CHARLES I coldn't help overhearing your conversation outside. Do you like poetry? John Donne? JACKIE Oh yes. I enjoy his intellectual games. It's sort of like playing chess, isn't it? CHARLES (surprised) Do you play chess? JACKIE Is that so surprising? They sit together. Hawkeye in the background sits beside B.J. Also in the background Margaret, at another table, is seen with her back to Jackie and Charles. CHARLES Un, no, not at all. Well, yes, actually. It is unusual -- at least in my experience -- to find a woman who plays the game. JACKIE (ruefully) In mine, too. CHARLES (speculatively) A penchant for poetry and chess, too. Tell me, who are some of your favorite poets? JACKIE Lately I've been rereading Blake. He gives me a lift. CHARLES (approving) Ah, William Blake. (quotes) Abstinence sows sand all over The ruddy limbs and flaming hair, But Desire gratified Plants fruits of life and beauty there. JACKIE (retaliates; quoting) Love is like the wild rose-briar Friendship like the holly tree -- The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms But which will bloom most constantly? CHARLES I'm afraid I can't place that one. JACKIE Emily Bronte. During the foregoing, Zale has been approaching Hawkeye and B.J. ANGLE ON them. ZALE You wanna join the pool? B.J. What's the bet? Zale nods toward Jackie and Charles, who are still seen talking and eating in the background. ZALE Who's gonna be the lucky man. Hawkeye frowns and looks as if he's going to take a swing at Zale. ZALE (fawningly) You're the clear favorite, Sir. In fact, so many people are bettin' on you that I've got a second pool right here -- on the day you'll get her. Wednesday's still open. HAWKEYE (angrily) Get out of here! ZALE (moving away quickly) Yes, sir! Zale approaches Margaret in the background while Hawkeye gets up. B.J. Leaving so soon? HAWKEYE I have to check on a patient. MARGARET (standing abruptly; shouts) Absolutely not! I won't have everyone in camp betting on my nurses! She and Jackie exchange a glance before Margaret exits in a huff. INTERIOR POTTER'S OFFICE Margaret rushes in angrily. MARGARET My nurses are not sexual playthings! They are highly trained medical professionals. POTTER (amiably) So they are. Who says different? MARGARET (with growing indignation) Apparently, everyone in camp! No sooner does a new nurse report for duty than every male in sight rushes to the attack! I won't have it! These women are here to do a job, and they can't do it if they are constantly accosted by drooling, cow-eyed males! POTTER Whoa! Now slow down! Don't you think you're blowing this out of proportion? It's only natural that a winsome filly will raise a few libidos. MARGARET With all due respect, Sir, this isn't a breeding farm! POTTER Don't you think the same thing would happen in reverse if a handsome new doctor showed up? MARGARET Within limits. But this thing is getting way out of hand. POTTER I think you're just overreacting. It's the natural order of... (he breaks off) Zale and one of the enlisted men pass by the open window. They are speaking loudly. ZALE (hooting incredulously) Ten-to-one on Major Winchester? You gotta be kiddin'! Didn't you see him at Mess? His chances of gettin' that new nurse are real good, real good. I can't give you any better odds than three-to-one... They walk out of earshot. Before Potter and Margaret can resume their conversation, they see Hawkeye walking past, conpicuously carrying the "wine" and glasses. POTTER (understandingly) I'll get right on it. MARGARET Thank you, Colonel. She exits. INTERIOR POST OP Hawkeye is examining a patient. BIG AL Hey, Doc. Can you come here a minut? Hawkeye gets up and goes over to Big Al. HAWKEYE (concerned) Is anything the matter? (starts to read his chart) BIG AL Naw. I just gotta ask you somethin'. (confidential whisper) Colonel Potter. Is he one of us? HAWKEYE (mystified) One of us? Do you think he's a Communist? BIG AL (shakes his head) No, no. I wanna know if he's... you know... one of =US=. A regular guy. HAWKEYE What exactly are you asking? BIG AL (exasperated) Don't it seem strange he lets that fairy, Klinger, hang around us normal guys? HAWKEYE (light dawns) Ah, you want to know if Colonel Potter's like =US= =NORMAL= guys! BIG AL Yeah... HAWKEYE (with high-pitched lisp and limp wrist) Oh yes. He's =JUST= like us! He smooths his hair as he minces back to his patient, shaking his head in disbelief. HAWKEYE (to himself) Colonel Potter! Big Al's eyes narrow with suspicion as he watches Hawkeye. Enter Jackie, looking tired. She's followed by Charles, who continues to follow her as she walks over to Bob Tyler's bed. CHARLES (insistently) Let me not to the marriage of true minds/ Admit impediments... JACKIE (picking up chart) Don't you think marriage a bit premature, Doctor? (faces him) Now, if you'll let me get back to work? Charles, noticing Hawkeye, exits. Jackie checks the patient's pupils. BIG AL Hey, Babe. Ready for a real man yet? JACKIE (wearily) Sure. Know any? BIG AL That ain't funny, Babe. What's the matter -- don't ya like men? Yeah, that's it. (triumphantly) You wouldn't know what to do with a real man! Jackie's expression, unseen by Hawkeye, is fearful as she rushes out the door. Hawkeye strides angrily over to Big Al. HAWKEYE Who the hell do you think you are? You've accused everything that moves of the same thing. If you do it again -- I don't care if it's a man singing soprano or a woman singing bass -- I swear I'll make you croak! He rushes out after Jackie. xEXTERIOR POST OP -- NIGHT Hawkeye finds Jackie leaning against a tree. HAWKEYE You all right? JACKIE Leave me alone. HAWKEYE Hey, I want to apologize. JACKIE (indignantly) What do you want, a medal? Have you ever considered what I want? Once? Instead of treating me as a thing, a prize to be won -- and probably stuffed and mounted -- have you ever considered treating me as a human being? Surprised? Well, buddy-boy, here's a news flash for you. Get this! I'm human! I have needs and desires and feelings and all the rest of it! And none of it has anything to do with you. HAWKEYE (contritely) I deserve that. Look, Jackie, I got a picture back there, an all-too-clear picture, of what I've been doing to you. It wasn't pretty. JACKIE (softly) That's not the worst of it. HAWKEYE What do you mean? JACKIE (pacing) Oh, I knew it was only a matter of time. Sooner or later, someone would have had to wonder. It's just that it happened so soon. (she stops, looks at him speculatively) The pity of it is, we probably could have been friends. HAWKEYE What are you talking about? JACKIE Don't you understand? What Big Al said in there. It's true. HAWKEYE (with growing awareness) Oh my God... JACKIE (turning away) You don't have to worry. I'll go quietly. HAWKEYE Go? Where? JACKIE (shrugs) Good question. HAWKEYE Why do you have to go anywhere? JACKIE Be realistic. Once the colonel finds out, he'll have me out of here so fast the tents will flap for a week! HAWKEYE Who'll tell him? JACKIE (gratefully) Even if you don't report me, someone else will. And it won't take long, either if even a creep like Big Al could figure it out. HAWKEYE He didn't figure anything out. He's been accusing everyone -- even Colonel Potter. JACKIE (laughing nervously) Colonel Potter! HAWKEYE (thinking) We have to get the heat off you somehow... I know! Why don't we spend an evening in the storeroom together? Everyone knows I don't go there to play Parcheesi! JACKIE I don't know. Let me think about it. EXTERIOR MASH COMPOUND -- DAY A bus is evacuating the patients that are well enough to be moved.The scene is similar to -- though not as frantic as -- the opening scene. Big Al is carried out on a stretcher. He sees Klinger, who is helping with another patient. BIG AL Hey you! Klinger! Klinger tries to move away, but he can't avoid him due to the logistics of loading his own patient. BIG AL Hey, Klinger! Per... (he sees Hawkeye's warning look) fectly nice day, ain't it? KLINGER Huh? BIG AL (eyeing Hawkeye) I just wanna tell ya I don't think you're such a bad guy after all. KLINGER (hesitating) Ya mean it? BIG AL Sure. (smiles) Just don't come anywhere near Pittsburg. Ya got that? KLINGER (broad grin) Sure thing. And, Al? BIG AL Yeah? KLINGER If I ever catch ya in Toledo, I'll cream ya! Big Al's stretcher disappears into the bus as Bob Tyler's stretcher moves INTO FRAME. Jackie comes over and grasps his hand. He grips back. JACKIE With a grip like that, you have nothing to worry about. Bob smiles weakly, then winks at her the way he had when she first saw him. His stretcher is loaded. Jackie turns away to pick up her suitcase. Hawkeye, seeing the suitcase, rushes over to her. HAWKEYE (indicating suitcase) Did I do this? JACKIE Not alone. HAWKEYE Where are you going? JACKIE Tokyo, for three days of "R and R." I'm going to look up a Japanese couple some friends back home told me about. HAWKEYE Are they... JACKIE ...lesbians? Yes. HAWKEYE I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. What happens next JACKIE (shrugging) I've requested a transfer. HAWKEYE They take time. Maybe when you get back, we can still become friends. JACKIE Maybe. Jackie gets onto the bus. The doors are closed and it drives away, leaving Hawkeye standing alone. INTERIOR ROSIE'S BAR -- NIGHT Hawkeye, B.J., Colonel Potter, Father Mulcahy and Charles are drinking at the bar. Zale approaches Potter, looking indignant. ZALE What's this I hear about that new nurse gettin' transferred out? (catches himself) Sir? POTTER (menacingly) What business is it of yours, Soldier? ZALE (obsequiously) You're absolutely right, Sir. (backing away) It's none of my business. None at all. Just idle talk, is all... Sir... Zale exits. The others turn to look at Potter questioningly. POTTER It's true. She's at Tokyo General. B.J. That was fast. POTTER I had them push it through. HAWKEYE Push it through? Why? POTTER (meaningfully) She was under a lot of pressure here. MULCAHY Makes me grateful for this collar. B.J. Keep off the cleric. POTTER (musing) Damn shame, too. A talented nurse like that belongs here, in the field. CHARLES (ruefully) Not during open season. Hawkeye isn't listening. He's turned with his back to the bar. Hawkeye's POINT OF VIEW as camera PANS slowly, showing couples dancing and friends sitting at the tables talking, laughing and sharing drinks. FADE OUT.