You know its time to go on the wagon when: You say to your wife, 'honey if you can carry me to the car, I'll drive' You are on top of the empire state building and you try to step on an ant and its really a brown Volvo on 34th street You're so high your hair starts to hurt You'd like to take an aspirin but cant find your mouth You'd like to make yourself a hot chocolate but cant stand the thunderous plop of the marshmallow You stand fumbling desperately with your house keys trying to open the door and cry out 'somebody stole my keyhole!' You can chin yourself on your breath You try to scratch something off your back and discover its the floor You pass the public library and toss sticks for the lions to fetch The person sitting next to you in the bar begs you for a lock of your breath You try to phone a friend by dialing your wife's birth control pill case You see a pink elephant and he knows you by your first name All your strength seems to be concentrated in your breath You sit down and miss the chair You breath on your plastic collar stays and they melt The more you loosen up the tighter you get Your girlfriend gives you freeway directions home by pointing to the veins in your eyes You drag your wife away from a swinging party at 2:00 in the morning and the party is at your house You've just made it up the stairs to your apartment and some idiot steps on your fingers.... and its you You get up in the middle of the night, look back at the empty bed and call the police to say 'I've been kidnaped' You walk your dog around the block and you've really spent 15 minutes in a revolving door You've had one too many and you can't remember which one was the too many Your wife won't let you in the front door until you've wiped your knees Your head feels tighter than a can of rolled anchovies You insist on playing the piano in the bar the next time it comes around You can tell the guy at the bar next to you,'you better not have another drink.. your face is getting blurry.' You feel your way around a lamp post and mutter' its no use, they got me walled in' You turn on your ignition with a cigarette because you smoked your car keys You wake up in the morning with both feet in the same leg of the pajamas You announce' I'm buying one for the house' an your at the Rose Bowl on New Years Day You drop the pennies into the sewer grate and keep looking up at the city hall clock to see how muck you weigh You trade in the 16th olive on a 17th martini You can hold your key all right but your apartment house door keeps going up and down You swallow a shot glass without burping You ran out of money and cant remember the correct way to spell I.O.U. You get home and a lady in a negligee greets you at the door and says 'come to bed' and you say ' i may as well. my wife will give me hell anyway' The bubbles from an alka seltzer give you a migraine Everyone around you seems to be talking to you with capital letters Your doing 75 mph on the freeway and the CHP officer points out you forgot your car You cant walk across an oriental rug without tripping on the flowers You come home and your wife is wearing a flannel nightgown and you don't know the difference Your staying at a dude ranch and they have to wheel yourself on your spurs You spill a bottle of vodka on the floor and wake up the next morning with splinters on your tongue You're more polluted than the air you breathe You're at a baseball game and reach the bottom of the fifth before the teams do You accuse the bartender of cutting the water Your wife wants you to promise you'll give up drinking...and you agree Your head feels like a jar of peach pits. You look out at the ocean and say 'now that's what i call a chaser' A cop asks you for your license and you try to pull it out of your back pocket and wind up handing him your underwear label You're carrying home a manhole cover home and you say to yourself ' he sure put a lot of toppings on this pizza' The doctor tells you he found a little blood in your alcohol stream You try to shave with your toothbrush Your afraid to open your eyelids because your afraid of the fireworks You go to a massage parlor and insist on a massage Your mouth tastes like a mailman's sock You find yourself practicing trombone in a phone booth You stand in front of your neighbors cat making bird calls The doctor tells you your suffering from an impacted shot glass You get your license revoked for drunk drinking You complain to the bartender that the martini is fuzzy and the girl next to you is wearing a veil You call the police at 3:00 in the morning to stop the lady upstairs from making noise because she bit into a potato chip You put pennies into a parking meter and complain that no peanuts came out You look around and find things are missing like your teeth The police arrest you for singing Xmas carols--on the 4th of July You practice hitting a golfball in a tile bathroom You call the police and tell them somebody stole your steering wheel from your car and discover you sitting in the back seat After the 6th margarita you wake up with a ring of salt around your nose You get your tongue caught in a pretzel You ask the waiter,'whats the correct win with booze?' You answer the telephone and you feel your ear is unlisted You want to climb up the side of the empire state building and hold memorial services for king kong You get into bed, open a book and turns out to be you attache case You think the olive in your martini is sticking its pimento at you You try to donate a fifth of blood and the red cross and they wont give it to anyone under twenty one You try to spell Mississippi and don't know when to stop sississipping You look at the leaning tower of pisa and say 'I don't see whats wrong with it' You grab the air bag in your car and say 'your place or mine?' You stop to peep into a window to watch a lady undress and you realize its your own wife You cant lie on the floor without holding on ============================================================================== ___ ___ (___><___) .....And if you enjoyed this TextFile, call The Works, 914's \ _[]_ TextFile BBS: \______/ \_____ The Works _\ ========= _______________ \>\ (914)-238-8195 24 Hrs. 900+ Textfiles Online / \ \ 300/1200 Baud, N,8,1 Home of Terror Ferret / \___> 10 Megabytes of Storage ANSI Graphics Optional ==============================================================================