$Q1: Do you own a modem? 
$N: 0: STOP! Go no further.  Anyone who would use a borrowed modem to access
$N: a BBS may one day become a BBS addict, but is not yet hooked.
$Y: 1:
$Q2: Is your modem capable of 1200 BPS or higher?  (c'mon now, another
$Q2: obvious question, but one that needs asking...we need to weed out the
$Q2: impostors, here.)
$N: 0: Very good.  You are exhibit the trait of patience, which is unusual
$N:among BBS addicts.
$Y: 1:
$Q3: Regardless of the speed of your modem (even if you have a 14,400 BPS
$Q3: monster-modem) do you wish your modem was faster?
$N: 0: Excellent.  Once again, patience is demonstrated.  Things are looking
$N:good for you.
$Y: 2: Uh Oh.  This is an important danger sign!
$Q4: Have you used your modem in the past week?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1:
$Q5: Have you used your modem in the past 24 hours?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1:
$Q6: Have you used your modem in the past 30 minutes?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1: Hmmm...could be indicative of a problem...
$Q7: Do you regularly call more than 5 BBSs?
$N: 0: Ah.  Restraint and moderation are indicated...very good prognosis.
$Y: 1:
$Q8: Do you regularly call more than 10 BBSs?
$N: 0: Not great, but still not necessarily dangerous.
$Y: 2: Another danger signal.  You are beginning to look like a good candidate.
$Q9: Have you filled your dialing directory to capacity, and then call all of
$Q9: them?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: You are definitely beginning to show danger signs.
$Q10: Are your phone bills regularly over $100 per month?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2: Not good, not good...
$Q11: Are your phone bills regularly over $300 per month?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2: Whoooeee!  You have it ba-a-a-d!
$Q12: Are your phone bills regularly over $500 per month?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Oh dear me.  I sincerely hope you are independently wealthy.
$Q13: Is there any other monthly bill that you pay that is higher than your
$Q13: phone bill?
$N: 4: Please lie down.  Tell me, do you hate your mother?
$Y: 0:
$Q14: Is your phone bill so large it gets delivered by UPS?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4: You are definitely showing signs of addiction here...
$Q15: Do you tell yourself after receiving a phone bull that you will cut back
$Q15: on your long distance BBSing, and end up subscribing to Dial-A-Visit instead?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2: ~mumble~ serious symptoms of ~mumble~ ~mumble~ therapy ~mumble~
$Q16: Do you leave long, tearful announcements on long distance BBSs telling
$Q16: everyone that you will no longer be calling due to financial strains, and 
$Q16: then check back every 3 or 4 days anyway, "just to see if anyone left me any
$Q16: mail?"
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Classic symptomology...open your mouth and say Ahhhhh....
$Q17: Does your phone company send you hand-written thank-you notes?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4: Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine and Dr. Howard...
$Q18: When you return from vacations, do you get a phone call from your phone
$Q18: company, asking if everything is alright?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:
$Q19: Do you find yourself taking naps so that you can be awake and refreshed
$Q19: for a late-night BBS session?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4: Most addictive/compulsive behaviour can be traced to childhood trauma...
$Y: Did your parents ever threaten you with a telephone?
$Q20: Did you ever cancel a date because s/he wanted a late-night dinner (when
$Q20: the phone rates are lowest)?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:  Social dysfunctionality is common among addictive personalities...
$Q21: Do you call during the morning hours, knowing that the phone rates are
$Q20: highest, with the excuse that "At least I'll be able to get on?"
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Fiscal irresponsibility is another common trait of the compulsive
$Y: individual...
$Q22: Is your spouse ready to oil your keyboard to get rid of that annoying
$Q22: late-night "clickety-clack?"
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Disruption of familial relations is quite common as well...
$Q23: Do you ever sleep for more than 2 hours at a stretch?
$N: 5: Sleep disorders are not at all uncommon among addicts.
$Q24: Have you suddenly discovered that you can touch-type, from all those BBS
$Q22: sessions done in the dark?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2: Coping mechanisms take unusual forms, sometimes.  They can even appear
$Y: to be positive.
$Q25: Do you cringe when you see lightning coming your way, and rush to unplug
$Q25: your modem from the wall?
$N: 0: Either a calm, non-addict or an addict with a good surge protector...
$Y: 2: 
$Q26: Do you continue your BBS session anyway because you are in the middle of
$Q25: a 1200 block download at 1200 BPS...and you don't want to foul it up?
$N: 0: Excellent.  A well developed sense of priorities is a good sign.
$Y: 3: Priorities are lacking.  Not a good sign...
$Q27: Do you own a backup generator so you can run your computer even when
$Q25: the power company can't?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4: Definitely compulsive, and probably obsessive as well...
$Q28: Do you have a complicated set of air motion devices hanging all around
$Q25: your computer and modem, because you never turn them off?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Haven't you heard about environmental conservation?
$Q29: Have you ever logged onto a BBS, and then realized you had no idea what
$Q25: city, state or country it is in?
$N: 0: Good contact with reality is an important sign of stability.
$Y: 3: Lack of contact with reality is an important sign of instability.
$Q30: Can you log on a BBS, browse, and log off without ever having turned
$Q25: your monitor on?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q31: Can your spouse spot you in a crowd from the back of your head?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1:
$Q32: Is there a worn spot on the rug in front of the computer?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q33: Are the words "ON LINE" burnt into the screen of your monitor?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q34: Do you know your modem initialization string by heart?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Obsessive attention to trivia can be a sign of compulsive behaviour
$Q35: Do you consider yourself a militant non-techie, yet still know enough
$Q35: to change your modem initialization string to make the system run silently?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Deception and secretiveness are both strong indications of addiciton
$Q36: Do you know more about what is going on in ther lives of the people
$Q35: in your BBS community than you do about the people with whom you live?
$N: 0:
$Y: 5: Disruption of familial responsibilities and contact is a very harmful
$Y: symptom of addiction.
$Q37: Do you order diskettes in lots of 100 or more?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1:
$Q38: Have you recently purchased a hard disk drive, because you have wearied
$Q35: of constantly flipping floppy diskettes in and out of your computer?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1:
$Q39: Have you discovered that the hard disk drive you just bought isn't
$Q35: large enough to hold all of your downloaded files, and you have to use
$Q35: floppy diskettes anyway?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q40: Does your hard disk drive contain more files than any of the BBSs you
$Q35: call?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q41: Do you actually use any of the files you download and archive?
$N: 3: Hoarding of useless items is a common activity among addicts.
$Y: 0:
$Q42: Do you compete with others to be the #1 user on every BBS you call?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4: An addict will often make blatant public displays of their dysfunctionality.
$Q43: Have you had to install yet another phone line into the house, because
$Q35: no one can reach you due to the busy signals?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q44: Do you know how to disabled "Call Waiting" so as not to have petty
$Q35: voice calls interfere with your BBS connections?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2: There's that messed up sense of priorities again!
$Q45: Have you ever put a BBS on automatic re-dial, and waiting hours to get on?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:
$Q46: ...and then suddenly be struck with an urgent need to visit the bathroom
$Q35: just as the word "CONNECT" appears on your screen?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q47: Do you make it a point to call a SYSOP whose BBS is down, even if it is
$Q35: 4:00 A.M.?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Willingness to inconvenience others in the persuit of one's addiction is
$Y: common and destructive to relationships.
$Q48: Do you have 9 zillion copies of your communications program...just in
$Q35: case any of the crashes?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:
$Q49: Do you page the SYSOP for a chat, even though the message "SYSOP is
$Q35: unavailable" keeps appearing, because you think that s/he might see your
$Q35: page and answer anyway?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4: Desperation is not a good sign.
$Q50: Do SYSOPs hate you and wish that lightning would fry your modem?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q51: Do you run to your computer in the morning to see what is happening in
$Q35: BBS-land, even before you have completed your morning toilet?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Denial of personal needs in deference to practicing one's addiction is
$Y: a sign of a really dysfunctional individual.
$Q52: Are you late for work/school because you insist on answering all 235 net
$Q35: mail messages you've received overnight...all with one word replies?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:
$Q53: Have you forgotten how to turn on your TV because it's been so long since
$Q35: you watched it?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1:
$Q54: Do you still own a TV?
$N: 3: A possible sign of addiction, but still not a bad idea!
$Y: 0: You may not be a BBS addict, but that TV will probably rot your brain!
$Q55: Have you ever found yourself talking on the phone at the same time that
$Q35: you are in chat with someone on the computer?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:
$Q56: Have you ever found yourself chatting on the BBS and talking on the phone
$Q35: with the same person?
$N: 0:
$Y: 5: You appear to have an exceesive need for "bandwidth."
$Q57: Are you a SYSOP?
$N: 0:
$Y: 10:  The ULTIMATE BBS addict!  You are in DEEP trouble!
$Q58: As a sysop, have you had to go out and buy another computer because
$Q35: otherwise noone would be able to reach your BBS anyway?
$N: 0:
$Y: 10:  Deeper and deeper...
$Q59: Do you ever call your own BBS?
$N: 0:
$Y: 5: ...and deeper still...
$Q60: Do you call your own BBS from another computer while siiting in the
$Q35: same house.
$N: 0:
$Y: 5: 
$Q61: Do you ever call your BBS from another computer while sitting in the 
$Q35: same room?
$N: 0:
$Y: 7:  You have a SERIOUS problem.
$Q62: Do you advertise your BBS in the local newspaper classified sections?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q63: Do you advertise your BBS on business cards?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:
$Q64: Are you a co-SYSOP on any other BBSs?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:  A real glutton for punishment, eh?
$Q65: Are you a co-SYSOP on any out-of-state BBSs?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4:  Lots of punishement, at you're willing to PAY for it!?
$Q66: Have you been a SYSOP for more than 6 months?
$N: 0: There is still hope...
$Y: 5: Things look glum, but you may recover quickly...
$Q67: Have you been a SYSOP for more than a year?
$N: 0:
$Y: 7: Things are looking very dark indeed...
$Q68: Have you been a SYSOP for more than 3 years?
$N: 0:
$Y: 10: You are a lost soul...
$Q69: As a SYSOP, do you enjoy chatting with users so much that you have been
$Q35: known to answer the page at 3AM?
$N: 0:
$Y: 5: Oh my.  Oh my, oh my, oh my!
$Q70: Do you drag unsuspecting users into chat..whether they paged you or not?
$N: 0:
$Y: 5: Being an addict is bad enough...trying to create new ones is reprehensible!
$Q71: Have you ever started a late-night chat with a user, and the next thing
$Q35: you know, the sun is rising?
$N: 0:
$Y: 8: There's that lack of contact with reality again...
$Q72: VARIATION: have you ever started a late-night chat with a user, and the
$Q35: next thing you know you are face down on your keyboard, with the words "press
$Q35: any key to continue" flashing on your screen?
$N: 0:
$Y: 10: Reality?  What's that?
$Q73: Do you upload copies of a log-on script to all the BBSs in your area so
$Q35: that no-one has any excuse not to log on to your BBS?
$N: 0:
$Y: 5:
$Q74: Do you promise your spouse that you WILL spend more time with the
$Q35: family, but then find yourself jumping up to answer the SYSOP page, even
$Q35: in the middle of that special video tape rented just for the two of you?
$N: 0:
$Y: 10: *OUCH*
$Q75: Do you still HAVE a spouse?
$N: 10: well, you sure blew that one.
$Y: 0:
$Q76: After reading through all these questions, do you get the feeling that
$Q35: you just MIGHT have a little problem with modem addiction?
$N: 0:  If you're taking this test, I doubt that...check yourself for self-
$N:delusion.
$Y: 10:
$Q77: In spite of this knowledge, do you realize that you'll never make it
$Q35: to any MA (Modems Anonymous) meetings, because you just can't pull yourself
$Q35: away from the keyboard loong enough to attend?
$N: 0:  Uh huh.
$Y: 10: well, at least your honest with yourself.
$Q78: Do you find that more and more of the people you socialize with are
$Q35: BBS addicts just like you, because no one else seems to understand ANYTHING
$Q35: you are talking about anymore?
$N: 0:
$Y: 10:  Birds of a feather, and all that...
$END