Ĩp] Well, here I sit in the wee hours of the morning wondering what I shoulddo at this point in my life. Things sure have deteriorated to a point wherethey can not now be fixed as they could in the past. How did I come to this?What am I to do now? Only one thing that I can think of, but I am reluctant todo it for some strange reason. Maybe I have an intense subconcious desire toactually live. If I did, though, I wouldn't have let myself get to this point.I know what can happen now if @0ontinue to go on. Things will only get worseand then... Let me examine how I got here in the first place. Maybe I should go wayback to the beginning. Born to a couple of aging people in their upperthirties, I have come to the conclusion that I was what some people have termedas a "mistake." What a way to start out with people saying that I was anaccident or a mistake. Growing up in a lower-middle-class family I managed tosurvive. Things would happen to me that would seem endangering, but I wouldlive through it. Father: Alcoholic. Mother: Neurotic. Sibling: Nuttierthan a fruitcake in my opinion. Maybe some of it rubbed off on me. All inall, I grew up a somewhat normal kid. Things would happen to me that woulddamage my ego and scar me without me knowing, but I have forgotten most of thatby now since I don't care about anything. Blessed (?) with a higher I.Q., I found myself stuck in acceleratedclasses in addition to being one year early in school. Everyone is older andit sometimes shows. I think one of the problems is that I am too analytical.I try to figure everything out. I have trouble accepting things that I don'tknow about. I am constantly trying to find new sources of information. It hasbecome an obsession which is not good for the health of one's mind. I stumbled through my early teen years as mostly an outsider. I tried tofind my identity with one group or another, but I just wasn't accepted or feltlike VXywhere. Then crawling through some things, I met people thatI could trust. Some people that I could actually and truly call friends. Then like some stupid line out of a cheap novel, "She walked into mylife." I don't know what happened at this point, but it hit me over the head.I finally felt something special for one person for the first (and last) timein my life. We talked and grew closer. I learned more about her. I grew moreemotionally attached to her. I felt her growing into me. Become a part of methat you just can't explain in words. We existed together. Time brought uscloser together. Then something happened that I'm not really sure about. Timeseparated us. At least it separated her from me. She no longer felt theemotional attachment. I felt it growing stronger. I was being led around likea blind fool. Then one day, with no warning, the attachment was brokenpermanently. 1ۅѥɁɕٕ5the call I never wanted to hear. I could hear it in her voice without hersaying it directly. Tears came to my eyes. I was trying to prepare myselfmentally for what would come next. I'm not sure why it happened. All of thepreparation in the world didn't or wouldn't have helped. It slipped away fromme. The dream that I had had for so long had finally died. And all I was leftwith was the pain. I had a dream once, but not now. I don't dream sincedreams are just too painful when they die. A dream is wishing to possesssomething that would make you complete. A hope...a wish...now dead. Now, without that dream, I have become what I am. My life hasdeteriorated to nothingness. I refuse to love again. I loved once and it waspainful when it ended. I can not allow myself to love again since I know thateverything must end...even life._______________________________________________________________________________